Community: What's yours?

[abaya]

What kinds of communities are you a part of? Are they physical, virtual, or something else? How do you go about finding a new community, e.g. when you move? Or do you prefer to remain isolated and not involved in a community?

I never really thought consciously about "community" until I moved to Iceland with ktspktsp last year, and realized that we basically had to start over from scratch--previously, I had always been immersed in some kind of community or another, though I had never realized it (always being in some kind of school had made it very easy for me, along with sports clubs, church, etc).

Of course, the TFP is one of my favorite communities, one that I have been a part of for going on 4 years now, and one that I believe in very strongly. I've always been able to find a place here, no matter where I am in the world, even with the ebbs and flows (and occasional drama) that are a natural function of a community like this.

As for meeting people in real life--it took us 9 months in Iceland (and my joining Facebook, incidentally) before we were able to help organize and plug into a community here in Iceland. I also participate in a kind of "immigrant assistance" community here in Iceland (human rights lawyers, language teachers, etc), and through that I was able to make some friends, which gave us people to do things with. But it took some serious effort--nothing came naturally, as it used to for me.

Now that we're looking at moving back to the US, possibly my hometown (Seattle)--I find myself wondering about this community thing again. I know the streets, I know the cool places to go in Seattle--but I know very few people other than family and a couple of friends. We'll have to start over again... I hope it won't be as difficult as it was in Iceland.

[girldetective]

I doubt it would be as difficult to start again in Seattle given that you already have an in. Although i can imagine that being in a brand new place has an appeal and excitement that would draw one out.

Ive been thinking a lot about community lately. I really have sort of lost the community I had for many years when I left my husband. Im not sure that anything changed with them, but it changed with me. I dont want to see those people anymore on a regular basis for some reason, Ive moved on I guess. The same holds true for some of my family and some other friends.

At the same time, I am not a loner. I am a very social person and have always been surrounded by people. Now, living alone for the first time, I find Im uncomfortable and am having to sort of get to know myself anew in this new order so I am seeking community. I like it and am having great fun. It seems if Im friendly to people, theyre usually friendly back and Ive learned all sorts of new things about people, my city, and other things of general interest.

[Redjake]

some places are better suited for making it easy to be a part of the community. the city I live in now doesn't have a lot of people our age and it's kind of awkward. I long for the days of college again - probably the best possible environment for a community (you are all up in each other's business). a lot of people rely on church as a community builder but it sucks if you don't go.

[snowy]

I can't recommend community-organized adult sports highly enough for getting to know a community; volunteerism also helps a great deal in meeting new people. I still live in the town I went to university in; most of my friends have graduated and moved away. I have been pretty reliant on my guy for introducing me to new people, but playing sports with them has really cemented the friendships I have.

Additionally, here it's about getting out into the community that really puts you into contact. You meet people at an event, say, and then you run into them again at Saturday Market or walking around downtown or in the park or at the hippie food co-op or at whatever coffeeshop you frequent (and there are more than a few). I like living in a town small enough that I run into a lot of people I know while I'm out and about but it's also big enough that not everyone knows my business or other people's business. Works well.

[abaya]

Originally Posted by Redjake

I long for the days of college again - probably the best possible environment for a community (you are all up in each other's business).

Ha, I'd never thought of that as a definition of community (being "all up in each other's business,") but you might have a point, there.

And yeah, I used to rely on church for one of my big communities, so it did suck when I stopped going. The only remotely similar type of community I've found (in a secular sense--and one that is as regular and tight as church is) has been the TFP. Scary, huh?

[MSD]

Originally Posted by abaya

Ha, I'd never thought of that as a definition of community (being "all up in each other's business,") but you might have a point, there.

And yeah, I used to rely on church for one of my big communities, so it did suck when I stopped going. The only remotely similar type of community I've found (in a secular sense--and one that is as regular and tight as church is) has been the TFP. Scary, huh?

Can we get a tax exemption for that?

[shesus]

We have lived in 4 different states in the past 7 years. This means 4 start overs for having a community feel. They were all different experiences.

I grew up in Parkersburg, WV so I had a huge sense of community there. JJ didn't since he had only lived there for a few years and honestly he didn't like many people there. I didn't either because of their backward thinking and that is why we made the move.

Next, was Columbus, OH. The first couple of years, we had no community except the people we worked with. Then we moved to a historical neighborhood (McCain was actually there yesterday) and started hanging out at the coffee shop and parks. We started meeting people and making friends. Then I waited tables down the street and volunteered for the historical society, we had just fit into a community when another opportunity arose and we moved again.

Chicago the first time around was overwhelming. It's huge with a lot of people who are very busy. This is when I got involved in TFP and met Chicago members. We also met a few people that lived in our building. However, I never felt a sense of community when we lived here then. I relied heavily on TFP and that's when it became my main community.

Then we moved to Phoenix. I never fit in there. I was always the outsider. The people I worked with would invite me places, but they were not the type of people I associated with. They were mostly Mormon and on the family track. I felt repressed there and made it clear that I was biding my time.

When we moved back to Chicago, we agreed to move to a neighborhood to gain a sense of community. We already know a few people on our floor, I'm making friends through my volunteer experiences, and we still have the friends that we left behind.

I find it gets more difficult with time to find that sense of community. We generally tend to be isolated although not necessarily by choice. In school, it is forced upon you and very simple. However, I'm sure you will have no trouble finding people with similar interests to do things with if you live in a somewhat urban area.

[abaya]

Originally Posted by shesus

I find it gets more difficult with time to find that sense of community. We generally tend to be isolated although not necessarily by choice. In school, it is forced upon you and very simple. However, I'm sure you will have no trouble finding people with similar interests to do things with if you live in a somewhat urban area.

Do you think it gets more difficult, because we're just getting older and more picky about what kind of people we want to hang out with? Sometimes I find myself being overly critical about a new group of people, without really giving them a chance--maybe because I'm married and that makes it easier to be "alone," in a way. I hope we won't have trouble in Seattle--I'd like to get back into the rowing community again, somehow--but it remains to be seen. It's been years since I was back there, and people keep telling me how much the ethos has changed there.

[girldetective]

Years have changed Seattle, but not necessarily the rowing community. In dragoboating we are always looking for new paddlers. Team members come and go, especially women who seem to have children and other sorts of darling meddles, which is understandable.

Also, I dont know but the Mazamas may extend up into the Seattle area.

[shesus]

Originally Posted by abaya

Do you think it gets more difficult, because we're just getting older and more picky about what kind of people we want to hang out with? Sometimes I find myself being overly critical about a new group of people, without really giving them a chance--maybe because I'm married and that makes it easier to be "alone," in a way.

That is an interesting view point. I often do have preconceived notions about people. Possibly as we get older, we become our own worst enemy when making friends. This thought will definitely be rolling around my head for a bit.

[abaya]

Originally Posted by girldetective

Years have changed Seattle, but not necessarily the rowing community. In dragoboating we are always looking for new paddlers. Team members come and go, especially women who seem to have children and other sorts of darling meddles, which is understandable.

Also, I dont know but the Mazamas may extend up into the Seattle area.

I didn't know you were a Seattleite--great to hear that!

I never tried dragon-boating, but was in crew for many years--mostly as a coxswain (and there's always demand for those). I think my major adjustment would have to be getting up at 4:30am again every day. May have to just take up an afternoon rec-rowing club or something, to see if I still have the passion. (And I might end up with kids in the next few years as well, sigh.)

[Meditrina]

The community I currently live in seems to revolve mainly around the Catholic church, besides it being the largest building in town, I think most of the residents consider themselves Catholic. The school district is also a big part of the community. When we first moved in I was neither part of the church or the schools, my neighbors were all busy with their own lives, and I just kind of existed. I was not part of the community, but I also didn't feel excluded. It's hard to explain. When my daughter was 4, we started going to church (long story, not really important for this post). In that church, I felt lost in the crowd. Many people knew each other and I was too shy to just start talking with them. Looking back, I wonder if I just didn't have enough in common with them, as I am not as religious (if at all) as they are. Forcing myself to become part of the religion community was not good for me or my family, and we stopped going. Since we stopped going, I feel more at peace, more like my own person. I do not miss the community feeling people talk about. Maybe I just don't need to feel that, where I once thought I did (maybe I should thank the internet for that?) I do like the town I live in, it is close to everything I need, but not *too* close, the school district is great for both of my kids (each of them with their own needs), and the neighbors pretty much leave us alone. They are there if we need them though, so that is good.

If I were to ever move, my internet community would go with me, relieving some pressure to find a physical community, because I think that would be very hard for me to do.

[abaya]

Originally Posted by Meditrina

I just kind of existed. I was not part of the community, but I also didn't feel excluded. It's hard to explain.

No, I really understand where you're coming from, there--that's how we felt for most of last year. I still don't think we'll ever be part of the Icelandic community, but I've come to accept that that's more reflective of them than it is of me. It's another reason we want to get back to the US, where I feel communities can be more open to newcomers (although in your case, Medi, I can see how an all-Catholic town would be quite difficult to fit into without being a die-hard Catholic in the first place--that's discouraging). It might be just a language thing, I don't know--but even in Spain, with our few words of Spanish and big smiles, we felt more welcome than we ever have in Iceland.

Not all communities are equal... I don't like the ones that have a cold shoulder towards newcomers, especially when the new arrivals are doing their best to make connections.

[Redjake]

Originally Posted by abaya

Do you think it gets more difficult, because we're just getting older and more picky about what kind of people we want to hang out with? Sometimes I find myself being overly critical about a new group of people, without really giving them a chance--maybe because I'm married and that makes it easier to be "alone," in a way. I hope we won't have trouble in Seattle--I'd like to get back into the rowing community again, somehow--but it remains to be seen. It's been years since I was back there, and people keep telling me how much the ethos has changed there.

I think you hit the nail on the head - being married gives you a sense of confidence that you'll never be lonely and you get used to being around another person that is perfect for your tastes. when you meet new people that are different, it's really easy to overly criticize them because you are used to the perfect partner.

[Cynthetiq]

I'm formulating my response to the community aspect. It's been something I've been thinking about for a few months actually. I need to sort out exactly what I've started to understand.

It is also harder to meet people when you are partnered. There is a dual approval that has to happen. So you've got 4 people (2 couples) who all have to like each other. It is also awkward for a single sometimes.

[abaya]

Originally Posted by Cynthetiq

It is also harder to meet people when you are partnered. There is a dual approval that has to happen. So you've got 4 people (2 couples) who all have to like each other. It is also awkward for a single sometimes.

Yeah, it's like blind dating, all over again--ktsp and I felt so lucky to finally hit it off with not just one, but TWO couples (and an additional one later on, so basically a group of 4 couples who all get along)--and we went hiking with those guys last weekend. It felt really good to have a group of 6 and know that we're all taken care of when "coupling" off, but that any 2 of us in the crowd gets along fine, too--it's a rare find, and one thing that makes us shuffle our feet about leaving Iceland. But then again, they're all transitory, international couples as well, so none of them will be here that long after we leave, either.

We've made some new single friends here, but I guess they must feel awkward or something, just hanging out with us--the only time we really get to hang out with them is in mixed groups, with several couples and several singles together. I wonder if all these dynamics are going to go even more to shit when we have kids.

[ASU2003]

When you have kids there is the Mommy community. I was a kid in that community growing up. If you watch the TV show Swingtown, think of a bunch of Janet's who as soon as something happens every other Mom knows about it.

I also figured out that it was the lack of a regular group that was causing problems in my life. Yeah, there are forums on-line and work buddies, but it was like I was walking past thousands of people and knew nobody. They were each living their own lives and I was doing my own thing. I found a good bike riding group that meets every Saturday morning and does bike rides on the bike paths around town. It is fun and a regularly scheduled event.

College was the best, so I would recommend going back for one easy class, but really just to become part of the student body again and meet people. The only problem there is that most of them will probably leave after a few years as well.

[inBOIL]

I'm a peripheral member of a local sport-based community. I joined simply to have people to play against, and have no desire to expand my involvement with them. However, most of them view the community as more than just a group of strangers who play together, and it can be difficult for me to stay on the edge. I wish there were a polite way to say "I like you as a teammate or opponent, just not as a friend" I'm slow to join into new communities, because for me, socializing is difficult and usually unpleasant, even with people I like.

[girldetective]

abaya wrote : I didn't know you were a Seattleite--great to hear that!

I never tried dragon-boating, but was in crew for many years--mostly as a coxswain (and there's always demand for those). I think my major adjustment would have to be getting up at 4:30am again every day. May have to just take up an afternoon rec-rowing club or something, to see if I still have the passion. (And I might end up with kids in the next few years as well, sigh.)

I live in PDX, abaya, but have quite a few friends in Seattle. Its changed, but still remains Seattle.

Dragonboating is different from crew in the paddles, muscle groups, timing, etc. We dont so much row as dig. What is similar is the team aspect, hard work, and the ungodly hours. Its just cruel in the dark of winter - a.m. or p.m.

[mixedsubstance]

My man & I have recently really been involved with yelp.com- where you go places and review them- they also have MANY Yelp events where you can meet fellow Yelpers. Quite fun! There's never a dull moment here and it gives you an excuse to always try something new...

[Halx]

Now that I've moved into Manhattan, my friend count has quadrupled in the last month. I don't know what it is; I guess I'm now a part of some elite fraternity and people want to hang out with me. Of course that sounds funny as I sit here on my computer at 10 on a Saturday night. I'm actually just taking a break from the partying because I've been out, drinking, spending money and hanging out more in the last 3 weeks than I have in my life.

[Cavi Mike]

Fortunately I'm a 'raver' so my community is actually world-wide. It doesn't matter where I visit or where I move to, my community is already there. I am going to have to add that it's the best community I've ever joined.

I'm also a car fanatic and the community also spreads world-wide but I am sorry to say it is not a very nice community so I don't take much part in it.

[mixedsubstance]

A 'raver'? Those still exist?

[ngdawg]

Originally Posted by Cynthetiq

I'm formulating my response to the community aspect. It's been something I've been thinking about for a few months actually. I need to sort out exactly what I've started to understand.

It is also harder to meet people when you are partnered. There is a dual approval that has to happen. So you've got 4 people (2 couples) who all have to like each other. It is also awkward for a single sometimes.

I kind of have to disagree. No one ever made the rule that you could only meet other partnered people. That's a choice.
We have separate friends for the most part. Spouse is friendly with the guys on our street(just got home from a party), but I am not friendly with their wives nor wish to be. I have my friends in the biker community, he has his from his car clubs. Some know each other, most do not. And while he doesn't ride so has never gone with us, I do, on occasion, go with him to his meets. I have my women friends that have nothing to do with being a couple as they are single.

When we were in our 20's and early 30's we coupled all the time, going to dinner or hanging out playing boardgames and also separately hanging with respective half of the couple(s). But interests change and one shouldn't deny one's interests just because one is half of a partnership.

[levite]

Well, for me the constant has always been the Jewish community. Jews love networking, and we seem to be in the running for "most up in each other's business, ever," so that works out well for me.

But I've collected friends from stints in different communities, passed through in different jobs: the film industry, the nonprofit world, professional writers.

Way back when I lived in Santa Cruz, California, I was part of the stoner community, but true stoner communities are hard to find outside places like Santa Cruz. Now I just have friends from other communities who happen to toke.

I guess now that I think about it, one of the reasons I value TFP so much is that, since my Jewish world and my professional world became one when I entered rabbinical school, it's really refreshing and helpful to be part of a group interaction that involves mostly people from outside my usual spheres. I think without you guys, or something like TFP, my world would be getting a little too confining, my interactions a little too incestuous, if you take my meaning....

[Cynthetiq]

Originally Posted by Halx

Now that I've moved into Manhattan, my friend count has quadrupled in the last month. I don't know what it is; I guess I'm now a part of some elite fraternity and people want to hang out with me. Of course that sounds funny as I sit here on my computer at 10 on a Saturday night. I'm actually just taking a break from the partying because I've been out, drinking, spending money and hanging out more in the last 3 weeks than I have in my life.

Yes, living Bright Lights, Big City has it's advantages... not having to take 40 minutes to get home is rather nice!

It's one of the reasons why we're usually booked and out all the time.

Originally Posted by ngdawg

I kind of have to disagree. No one ever made the rule that you could only meet other partnered people. That's a choice.
We have separate friends for the most part. Spouse is friendly with the guys on our street(just got home from a party), but I am not friendly with their wives nor wish to be. I have my friends in the biker community, he has his from his car clubs. Some know each other, most do not. And while he doesn't ride so has never gone with us, I do, on occasion, go with him to his meets. I have my women friends that have nothing to do with being a couple as they are single.

When we were in our 20's and early 30's we coupled all the time, going to dinner or hanging out playing boardgames and also separately hanging with respective half of the couple(s). But interests change and one shouldn't deny one's interests just because one is half of a partnership.

I understand that, Skogafoss and I tend to do just about everything together. We like each other's company and add people to the mix. It may be odd for some, but we work together in the same company and same office building. We have commute together to and from work, and have lunch together most days. This isn't something new as we met in the workplace at a different company over 10 years ago. While I do have a small circle of friends that I see without her it is out of the ordinary.

Again, though, we don't care if the single joins us. It's just rare, and again, still both of us have to like the individual to make it work in a long sustainable manner. I have some friends that I don't hang out with her. But that's quite rare.