Friendship hanging by a thread

[pornclerk]

There is really a lot to this story so I will try to keep it as short as possible.
I have this friend whom I am currently in an arguement with over something stupid and I am seriously thinking of calling it quits on the friendship.

I am not normally one to rid myself of someone unless they have hurt me. I have been friends with this person for about 7 years and we have a strong connection. Basically he is very manipulative. If he does something wrong he will try to find a way to convince you that he is right. He has violated my trust several times. One time he did something really bad and only apologized because I found out about it. Shouldn't a friend come to you and apologize for sake of their conscience? He also tends to be very dramatic about things, blow them out of proportion, and blame everyone else but himself. He constantly ditches our plans, but when I have to cancel he freaks out. Many times if I call him to go somewhere he will say no. I eventually just stopped inviting him to certain places because I knew he wouldn't go, but if he found out I went with someone else and didn't invite him he'd flip on me.

I have seriously been thinking about ditching this friendship for quite some time but have never really found a way to get out. With us fighting about this thing he blew out of proportion, I almost want him to be pissed at me so I can just walk away. The reason why I haven't done so sooner is because he always finds a way to win my friendship again.

Today he called me 12 times and I didn't answer it. He left messages to me saying that I was immature and I had no right to ignore his calls, meanwhile he was the one who completely over reacted.

I really don't know what to do with this. Part of me really wants out. I don't want to deal with the drama and the manipulation. The other part of me fears letting him go because we have grown so close over the last 7 years. I think about all the good things and I know that I will miss it.

Please help me! What should I do?

[cj2112]

Originally Posted by pornclerk

Please help me! What should I do?

You should read what you wrote, and decide if this person is really a friend, or if he is somebody who serves to bring you down, more than they build you up.....after that the decision is simple, putting it into practice is difficult.

[krwlz]

Yea, you seem to know what you want, and what you should do. You're just looking for us to tell you the same thing, to aid you in the "conscience/confidence to pull it off" aspect, albeit, indirectly.

None of us can tell you for sure what to do.

[analog]

Just stop being his friend. Don't let him win you back again. Easier said than done, maybe, but there are no two ways about it- you are just going to have to deal with it and move on by yourself. He's certainly not gonna help you move on.

[Lady Sage]

Let him fend for himself, it doesnt sound like you will be missing out on anything but heartache and problems. Who doesnt need less of those??

[Infinite_Loser]

Been there, done that. As other posters have said, it seems that you already know what you want to do. Besides, if he is manipulative and continues to violate your trust without feeling any remorse, he's not much of a friend to begin with.

[Ace_O_Spades]

probably better for both of you for you to distance yourself.

perhaps some distance will offer him some maturity

[clavus]

Doesn't sound like a friend to me. Unless you have a need for a lot of drama in your life (and some people do), just walk away from this one. You don't need a grand exit scene, a debate or a speech explaining your actions. Move on.

[CaliLivChick]

*in her stereotypical SF gay voice* Drama Queen! *normal voice* I've had a friend like that... had to be the center of my world, and I was content to have her be that. However, it's not healthy, and it sounds like you've realized that you want something better for yourself. Good for you for finding that out on your own. Now do something about it. =)

[ngdawg]

This is how I handled just about the same situation with a 'friend' of over 20 years:

"Dear..........
When I lent you that money and had you sign the note, I believed you would pay me back. I helped you when you asked. But every time I asked for some sort of payment you blew me off.
I have learned a lot these past few years and you are nothing but a negative in my life and I don't need negatives...."
And so on. She got all 'upset' but even then was her same taker self. I sued. She signed the court order to pay. She paid less than half back. I have no use for her.
Life's short. There are people who just will always be takers. They take your time, they take your things, they take your patience.
Not answering is a good start. I'd write to him, saying buh-bye with a brief why and be done with it. Don't hang around a taker/drama queen for the sake of some good memories-it's really NOT worth it.

[Necrosis]

Originally Posted by ngdawg

This is how I handled just about the same situation with a 'friend' of over 20 years:

"Dear..........
When I lent you that money and had you sign the note, I believed you would pay me back. I helped you when you asked. But every time I asked for some sort of payment you blew me off.
I have learned a lot these past few years and you are nothing but a negative in my life and I don't need negatives...."
And so on. She got all 'upset' but even then was her same taker self. I sued. She signed the court order to pay. She paid less than half back. I have no use for her.
Life's short. There are people who just will always be takers. They take your time, they take your things, they take your patience.
Not answering is a good start. I'd write to him, saying buh-bye with a brief why and be done with it. Don't hang around a taker/drama queen for the sake of some good memories-it's really NOT worth it.

Just a wild guess, but by any chance, were you told you were a terrible person because

a)you basically forced her to honor her commitment, and
b) "you didn't really need the money, and she did?"

[pornclerk]

Wow, thanks everyone for posting so soon. I think I am coming to the point where I realize I am only 25 but I am way too old for drama. I just want to have friends that I can enjoy being with. I don't want to fight over stupid things or deal with people who are emotionally needy, I had lots of that in high school.
I think you are all right. It's time to move on to better things. There's no time for toxic friendships.
I know it's easy to say that, but it will be very hard to move on. I just have to cut myself off and find some other friends.

[Swirlie]

just playing Devil's advocate here, but we're obviously only hearing one side of the story.

A friend of 7 years isn't anything to throw away quickly. Examine your own actions/reactions objectively, and if you can honestly say that you have been nothing but truthful, honest, and forthright in the relationship, the it's time to break it off. You "not inviting him because you *knew* he wouldn't go" says something... true friends invite you regardless.

If you can't say that you haven't always been truthful, honest, and forthright... then confront the friend. Explain how pissed off you are, and why... If you can't work it out, it's time to end it.

[newtx]

Sad to lose a friend of 7 years. I also think you have already made your decision. I think you will be happier in the long run. However the short term loss will be tough.

[Sultana]

Sorry, but he doesn't sound like a "friend of seven years", he sounds like someone who's been a clingy, self-centered pain in your butt for seven years. Follow ng's advice, it's dead on (I find myself saying that a lot lately, heh).

[pornclerk]

Okay so here is an update. After a long conversation of manipulation and him trying to win my friendship back, I ended it.
At first I felt really bad and I was crying because I threw away a friendship. Then he came back to the conversation and said he didn't want it to end. I explained why I couldn't go on. He said some very cruel things to me which I don't think were deserved. He lied about many things too and tried to make me look bad. It made me feel less remorse because he was so hurtful.
I think I made a good decision.

[Nisses]

Don't think you made a good decision.

KNOW you made a good decision. The way he reacted when he realised his usual MO didn't work anymore, should tell you all you need to know.

[abaya]

I posted a thread about a somewhat similar issue a few months back, about a friendship that had become unacceptable to me. I had known the guy for going on ten years, and had been a maid of honor in his wedding (even though I hardly knew the girl; that was around the time it started feeling really weird). We hadn't talked for 1.5 years before this year, and he still thought we were close apparently... but I wanted out of it by then. So I ended it outright, which was a difficult decision because I generally like to help people's suffering, not cause it. But in the end it was what I needed to do to get out of an increasingly uncomfortable situation.

[little_tippler]

I have had a manipulative friend like this and one day we had a big argument and he just wouldn't stop sticking th knife in one more time because I basically told him he wasn't getting any more chances from me unless he'd admit what he did and apologized. I wasn't the only one involved. I wasn't the only one to take the same stance. And of course, he revealed himself in all his glory by saying he couldn't remember quite what he'd done because he was drunk (bullshit), so he didn't trust what we told him he'd done enough to feel he must apologize. Then he also proceeded tomake it worse by turning directly to me and saying "I never expected this from you, I never thought you'd be so cruel, you of all people....you'll regret this". I never did. He's history, and I think you made the right choice. Like Clavus said, some people just like drama in their lives but not me.