Strange Famous

And sometimes she doesnt.

She used to work where I still am, and we used to flirt a lot, but I know that doesnt necessarily mean anything - but sometimes she acts like she likes me more, and then other times, she kind of pulls away.

We used to have like email conversations and stuff all through work, but when she left she never gave me her new email, but she did give me her cell number, but I kind have never rang her cos I couldnt think of an excuse to.

She used to have a long term boyfriend, but I heard that they have broken up, but also that she is dating someone else now. When we used to go out as a group from work, sometimes she would be really flirty, like touching my arm all the time, or resting against me or sitting on my lap and stuff, but then she could be kind of distant too.

One time, she asked me to come back to her house for some more drinks, and I was thinking "oh, this is cool" but when we were waiting for the taxi, her boyfriend and another couple turned up, and it turned out we were all supposed to be going back, and in the end I didnt go anyway.

I dont think she finds me physically attractive, another occassion I guess I was flirting with her, and her boyfriend wanted to try and beat me up, but she apparently told him "please dont hit him, he's fat"

I mean, firstly, that doesnt make sense anyway - just cos I am heavy doesnt mean I cant fight, I prolly could have kicked that guy's ass anyway, I used box a little when I was younger, plus I have watched a lot of wrestling, and I am quite strong... but anyway, it was just the way she said it that was kind of unflattering. i didnt even hear her say it, but she apologised for saying it the next day because she thought I did and she was like "I dont think of you as being fat, I think you are a normal person"

I mean, I do go on about my weight sometimes, its not like I am freak show, people stop in the street and laugh, fat. I am about 280 and 5 9, and I am quite broad shouldered, my ideal weight would be between 200 and 220... so I am overweight, but not huge, I certainly am not so big I couldnt ger in a fight if I wanted to!

Anyway, last night, there was a thing cos it was my birthday, and this girl was there. She acted kind of pleased to see me, and she was kind of tickling me and idly playing with the buttons on my shirt while she was talking to someone else, and this guy was like "yo, Adam, it looks like you have pulled" - which means, if Americans arent familiar with that phrase, like it looked like I had hooked up with her. And she was laughing and going "yeah" and so I, kind of jokingly was "allright, cool!" and then she was just like "haha, not really!"

Anyway, she confuses me, and I dont know if it is just wishful thinking. Most of the time I am pretty convinced she probably just likes me as a friend and she is just kind of a flirty person - but then sometimes I think maybe she likes me - but then I know she probably wouldnt be with me, cos, she is REALLY attractive, and obviously I am not. A lot of people at work didnt like her, and thought she was stuck up and thought she was better than other people, but she really isnt, she is a nice person, and plus, she is really really hot.

But the thing is, I am thinking - one of two things is the case. One, she just likes me as someone to hang around with sometimes, and she can be flirty, and maybe enjoys the attention and knows I like her so she flirts with me sometimes but no way would she ever date me - and sometimes I just think "well, what if she likes me" out of wishful thinking

Or, far more unlikely I admit, maybe she does sometimes kind of like me, and maybe she is confused that she might like my personality but at the same time doesnt fancy me that much cos of my weight or whatever... and I could have a chance, but cos I have low self esteem I just assum she wouldnt be interested.

I dont know. I mean, it isnt like she flirts that way with me ALL the time, but she isnt like that with every guy at work or anything.

And obviously I am not anyone's ideal man, but I could still be a pretty good boyfriend, I mean, I treat people pretty nice, and I try to be caring and everything, plus I have two degree's and I am probably at least more than average intelligence, I could beat someone up if they were harrassing in a dance club, or I could try anyway... I think I am a nice person, and its not that I am especially ugly or anything, I just could lose some weight. But then again, because she is really kind of beautiful, she could probably have her pick of men, so she wouldnt need to settle for someone like me, when she could have someone who had everything, or at least lots of money, and a car that didnt have four bald tyres and the sunroof is broke so you get wet when it rains...

I think I have written too much already, relationship things confuse me, I havent dated someone for over 3 years now, and I have only ever dated a couple of people. i guess I could just come out and ask her, but I dont want to humiliate myself, plus I heard she is dating some new guy, so the situation wouldnt even sound possible.

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas