Number 17 appeals to my warped sense of humour
1. Use a husky, dirty phone sex voice but ask normal questions about the proposed offer.
"Is it a low interest rate ? mmmmm...I like low interest rates...really low..."
2. In an outrageously excited tone: "Thank god you called!!!" Explain
that an online psychic told you that your future lover would randomly call
disguised as an ars ehole.
3. Say you are hard of hearing and see how loud they will shout into the
phone.
4. Allow the telemarketer to fully explain his offer. When he is finished
explain that his company hired you to randomly spot check telemarketers
on their performance. Tell him that he did a good job overall, but that he is a
bit monotone and needs to fluctuate his tone of voice more to sound
convincing. He also should pause longer between sentences, and more clearly
pronounce the letter "s". Tell him you won't report him if he repeats his
speech to you with the appropriate corrections. Repeat.
5. Be incredibly polite as they explain their offer, but make farting
noises once in a while and ask whether there is something wrong with the
connection
6. In an annoyed tone cut the telemarketer off mid sentence : "Dan, stop
screwing around...we have to get rid of this body fast, did you find a
chainsaw or not?"
7. "Congratulations! You're the 100th caller on the (insert local radio
station) Sweet Vacation Giveaway Blast Marathon. You've just won a pair
of tickets to Negril, Jamaica and the use of Elton John's celebrity vacation
house." Take down her address and send her all of your Betterware catalogues
for the rest of your life...after you use them as liner for your cat's
litter box.
8. Flirt.
9. Keep repeating, "I knew you were going to say that..."
10. Stutter on a syllable of an obvious word in a sentence... see how
long it takes before he completes the phrase. When he does, get upset, and say
"That really hurts my fee...fee... fee... fee...feel...fee... fee... fee..."
ad infinitum.
11. Pee whilst on the phone while he's talking.
12. Mid pitch, stop him and complement him on his wonderful
voice. Explain that you are a voiceover scout and might have a breakthrough commercial
job for him. Ask if he wouldn't mind doing a quick test. Ask him to say in
a deep husky voice "May cause dizziness, diarrhea, vomiting and shortness
of breath. A small number of participants in a recent clinical trial
experienced weight loss, irregular clotting, abnormally frequent and/or
painful urination and hair loss. Results may vary"
13. Ask how much it would take to get him to stop working as a telemarketer.
Start at £1000. Say you are dead serious.
14. Ask if he will be your friend if you sign up.
15. Tie obscure facts about Barbara Streisand to everything thing he says,,
"2.3% interest rate? oh my...did you know Barbara
was 23 when she filmed Funny Girl..."
16. Every few minutes repeat, "You're going to have to bear with me, I
have a slight short term memory loss problem...who is this again?"
17. "Oh my god, I used to have your job...does Bob still work
there (repeat names until you find a match)...which building are you in?" Escalate
coincidence until you both realize that you sat in the same chair. Explain
that you had to quit work when your genitals mysteriously vanished.
18. Regardles of the offer tell him you'll take 7. If he asks what you mean
say he drives a hard bargain and you'll take 9, but that's as far as you'll go.
19. Every half-minute ask him to hold and pretend to scream at your invalid
mother. "You want to use the bathroom??? Well stop whining and get up out of
the wheelchair for a change. You just sit there and think about that for
a while, mother. Can't you see I'm on the damn phone?"
20. Forgive him. Tell him you did so. Over and over again, until he hangs up.
Then secretly take it back.
