aphex140

Number 17 appeals to my warped sense of humour


1. Use a husky, dirty phone sex voice but ask normal questions about the proposed offer.
"Is it a low interest rate ? mmmmm...I like low interest rates...really low..."

2. In an outrageously excited tone: "Thank god you called!!!" Explain
that an online psychic told you that your future lover would randomly call
disguised as an ars ehole.

3. Say you are hard of hearing and see how loud they will shout into the
phone.

4. Allow the telemarketer to fully explain his offer. When he is finished
explain that his company hired you to randomly spot check telemarketers
on their performance. Tell him that he did a good job overall, but that he is a
bit monotone and needs to fluctuate his tone of voice more to sound
convincing. He also should pause longer between sentences, and more clearly
pronounce the letter "s". Tell him you won't report him if he repeats his
speech to you with the appropriate corrections. Repeat.

5. Be incredibly polite as they explain their offer, but make farting
noises once in a while and ask whether there is something wrong with the
connection

6. In an annoyed tone cut the telemarketer off mid sentence : "Dan, stop
screwing around...we have to get rid of this body fast, did you find a
chainsaw or not?"

7. "Congratulations! You're the 100th caller on the (insert local radio
station) Sweet Vacation Giveaway Blast Marathon. You've just won a pair
of tickets to Negril, Jamaica and the use of Elton John's celebrity vacation
house." Take down her address and send her all of your Betterware catalogues
for the rest of your life...after you use them as liner for your cat's
litter box.

8. Flirt.

9. Keep repeating, "I knew you were going to say that..."

10. Stutter on a syllable of an obvious word in a sentence... see how
long it takes before he completes the phrase. When he does, get upset, and say
"That really hurts my fee...fee... fee... fee...feel...fee... fee... fee..."
ad infinitum.

11. Pee whilst on the phone while he's talking.

12. Mid pitch, stop him and complement him on his wonderful
voice. Explain that you are a voiceover scout and might have a breakthrough commercial
job for him. Ask if he wouldn't mind doing a quick test. Ask him to say in
a deep husky voice "May cause dizziness, diarrhea, vomiting and shortness
of breath. A small number of participants in a recent clinical trial
experienced weight loss, irregular clotting, abnormally frequent and/or
painful urination and hair loss. Results may vary"

13. Ask how much it would take to get him to stop working as a telemarketer.
Start at £1000. Say you are dead serious.

14. Ask if he will be your friend if you sign up.

15. Tie obscure facts about Barbara Streisand to everything thing he says,,
"2.3% interest rate? oh my...did you know Barbara
was 23 when she filmed Funny Girl..."

16. Every few minutes repeat, "You're going to have to bear with me, I
have a slight short term memory loss problem...who is this again?"

17. "Oh my god, I used to have your job...does Bob still work
there (repeat names until you find a match)...which building are you in?" Escalate
coincidence until you both realize that you sat in the same chair. Explain
that you had to quit work when your genitals mysteriously vanished.

18. Regardles of the offer tell him you'll take 7. If he asks what you mean
say he drives a hard bargain and you'll take 9, but that's as far as you'll go.

19. Every half-minute ask him to hold and pretend to scream at your invalid
mother. "You want to use the bathroom??? Well stop whining and get up out of
the wheelchair for a change. You just sit there and think about that for
a while, mother. Can't you see I'm on the damn phone?"

20. Forgive him. Tell him you did so. Over and over again, until he hangs up.
Then secretly take it back.

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[/QUOTE=BAMF]Do they role a die, with a 1/3 chance of being flacid?[/QUOTE]

mordret

Excellent !!!! Numbers 4 and 16 are my favorite !!!

fizzledorf

number 4 is my fav, I wish I could get myself to try it

majik_6

As a former telemarketer, I wish people would use some of these!

I mean, if you're going to be rude to 'em, at least be creative! Everyone always tried the same stuff: putting the phone next to the radio, faking their own death, or my favorite, answering the phone, confirming their name, then switching to a fake Mexican accent and claiming that "They no live here...no English".


It's these kind of things that actually made the job tolerable, believe it or not.

Just be aware, that most telemarkers will retaliate. Usually just something as simple as changing your name in the records to Pat McGroin and putting you on the foreign language callback list, but sometimes they can get pretty creative.

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sillygirl

I like the phone sex operator one.

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Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

gowen

I just tell them that im on the national do not call list and not to call me anymore or i will turn them in. I don't even bother to listen to there song and dance. SO THERE !!!!!!!!!!!

lucidity

All of em were great. #6 is my fav.

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xim

bwahahaha reminds me of this one time in the backwoods of arkansaws when my.....oh wait was I saying something?

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If I could be anyone in the world I would be Britney Spears. Shes in so many commercials about pepsi... www.ximcity.com

bt8624

lol 16 is great

-Ever-

those are really funny! 17 is my favorite for sure

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Embracing the goddess energy within yourselves will bring all of you to a new understanding and valuing of life. A vision that inspires you to live and love on planet Earth. Like a priceless jewel buried in dark layers of soil and stone, Earth radiates her brilliant beauty into the caverns of space and time. Perhaps you are aware of those who watch over your home And experience of this place to visit and play with reality. You are becoming aware of yourself as a gamemaster...
--Acknowledge your weaknesses--

xim

I know this girl whose dad died when she was really young.
13 years later when telemarketers still ask for her dad on the phone so she says "I KNOW HES DEAD BUT YOU DONT HAVE TO MAKE JOKES ABOUT IT" and starts crying really hard

Its hilarious...

__________________
If I could be anyone in the world I would be Britney Spears. Shes in so many commercials about pepsi... www.ximcity.com

fallen_angel

ok first off im not exactly telemarketing i work for an independent reasearch company. our main goal is to collect opinions about certain products for the better of man kind (aitn that just a load of horse shit) anyways the other night i got a #3 and one survey we had was called washlet and i had someone say hang on im in the bathroom. i said ok and i heard him put on a british accent and say ok now just push the little button and water squirts on your bum. . . then i heard another person in the background make a yelping noise. i preceded to say that was so disgusting and odd have fun playing. anywho, you should be nice to people who arent selling anything just the people who want to get your credit card numbers for magizines or credit cards.

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from the Havens I have fallen. . . to the earth as a mangled form. . . writhing in pain, my wings torn and bloodied. . . I have one purpose, only one goal. . . to find you and love you, for I am your. . . fallen angel

fallen_angel

oh ya and the do not call list only applies to people who are selling things and research companies can call anytime of the day they want they just make courtesy hours and never call after 9pm. and the reason why you get calls from sales people or contests is because sometime you bought something or signed up for a drawing and that gives that company the right to do whatever they want with that kind of information. and credit card companies get names from banks and other card companies that they deal with.

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from the Havens I have fallen. . . to the earth as a mangled form. . . writhing in pain, my wings torn and bloodied. . . I have one purpose, only one goal. . . to find you and love you, for I am your. . . fallen angel

KellyC

# 11. I've tried that on my friend before so funny

Good list!

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Me: Shit happens.

xepherys

Those are pretty good... I'll have to give some a shot!

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Brewmaniac

Somebodys been digin' the archives again!

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