Redrum,
I feel you pain bro, and it brought some back that i've not felt in years.
I was engaged to my sweetheart from highschool and flew back east when I was 20 to get my head togetherand check out a job.
We talked every night at at specific times depending on our schedules.
Well the one night she was supposed to call at 10pm her time the call never came.
The next morning I received the call that I will never forget....she was plowed into by a drunk driver
I flew back home to see her and well she died that night and exactly one year to the day we were to get married.
I fucking hated the world and every motherfucker in it, I even got the address to the asshole that killed her and went to his home to kill that son of a bitch.....I didn't!
Everyone offered advice and told me how wonderful she and I were together...blah...blah...blah.....I didn't want to hear it....I WAS ANGRY!!
The worst thing about it all was her parents gave me a letter she intended to mail to me that was found in her car(it still had blood on it) and they felt I should have it. It was the hardest thing to read it but it made me realize that she really was not gone unless I looked at it that way. I still talk to her at night and sometimes during the day...she will always be with me.
I can tell you this now but it did hurt for a long time and I crawled into a bottle of Jack Daniels for 8 years to deal with the pain....DON'T DO THAT....I lost 8 years of my life that way.
I've never found anyone to fill her place in my heart and most likely never will, but I know it was her that caused me to wake up one morning and walk into a rehab.
You will find a way to deal with the pain on your own terms, but don't choose the route I took.
Your post brought back many memories that I have forgotten over the past few years of my sobriety.
Thanks for putting my life back into perspective.
Sorry for your loss.
God Bless you and your's