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Old 02-04-2004, 06:49 PM   #1 (permalink)
Crazy
 
how to deal with this?

Yesterday I got a phone call from my dad



well lets start this different...



Everyone remember thier first love? I mean thier first true love, not puppy love, not what you thought was love..but true love?


A trip out of town yesterday caused me to be unreachable for the majority of the day, I had my cell phone off while I was in memphis since I was there on business. anyhow I come out and check my voicemail, my dad is tripping with message after message telling me to call him asap. So I did, and he asks me to come over to his house when I get in from memphis. This leaves me with 3 hours while I drive home to freak about wtf is up.

I get there and he sits me down and tells me the girl I end a 4 year relationship with 2 years ago, died in a house fire.

Now, I cant eat, sleep, think, ..I cant fucking function. Her dad and I are close, her mother was murdered while her and I were a couple, when we went our seperate ways, she got married to a jerk who beat her. This ass knows I would kill him if given the chance to get away with it. So going to the service is iffy at best.

Im told I should go in respect of her and only her, and my memories.....




I have this HUGE void right now...its something I have never felt before, and want to wake up in the morning and it be gone.


Its driving me insane, now Im starting the

"what if I had done this..or that..and she was with me still...and alive...."
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Old 02-04-2004, 06:56 PM   #2 (permalink)
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life happens when you're not looking...

go to the services - hide towards the back of the chapel if necessary - but go. You'll only get one chance to say good-bye. If you're on good terms with her family (minus the jerk husband) it will be important for them that you came.

My sympathies for you loss.
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Old 02-04-2004, 07:18 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Go...pay your respects, get closure. But as mentioned, stay towards the back, be discreet, and try not to focus on what might have been. It'll eat you up.
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Old 02-04-2004, 07:21 PM   #4 (permalink)
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damn, redrum....sorry to hear that. I agree totally with SabrinaFair. Go, but lay kind of low. Get closure for yourself.
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Old 02-04-2004, 08:30 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Absolutely go! A memorial service is for the living to say their goodbyes and to deal with, at least to some extent, their grief. You have a right to those feelings. Go, cry, heal (or at least begin to)!

My thoughts are with you.
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Old 02-04-2004, 08:38 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Get some closure. If you don't go, it'll only eat you up even more with regret about not going. Sorry for your loss...
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Old 02-04-2004, 09:07 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Redrum,

I feel you pain bro, and it brought some back that i've not felt in years.


I was engaged to my sweetheart from highschool and flew back east when I was 20 to get my head togetherand check out a job.

We talked every night at at specific times depending on our schedules.

Well the one night she was supposed to call at 10pm her time the call never came.

The next morning I received the call that I will never forget....she was plowed into by a drunk driver

I flew back home to see her and well she died that night and exactly one year to the day we were to get married.

I fucking hated the world and every motherfucker in it, I even got the address to the asshole that killed her and went to his home to kill that son of a bitch.....I didn't!

Everyone offered advice and told me how wonderful she and I were together...blah...blah...blah.....I didn't want to hear it....I WAS ANGRY!!

The worst thing about it all was her parents gave me a letter she intended to mail to me that was found in her car(it still had blood on it) and they felt I should have it. It was the hardest thing to read it but it made me realize that she really was not gone unless I looked at it that way. I still talk to her at night and sometimes during the day...she will always be with me.

I can tell you this now but it did hurt for a long time and I crawled into a bottle of Jack Daniels for 8 years to deal with the pain....DON'T DO THAT....I lost 8 years of my life that way.

I've never found anyone to fill her place in my heart and most likely never will, but I know it was her that caused me to wake up one morning and walk into a rehab.

You will find a way to deal with the pain on your own terms, but don't choose the route I took.

Your post brought back many memories that I have forgotten over the past few years of my sobriety.

Thanks for putting my life back into perspective.


Sorry for your loss.


God Bless you and your's
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Old 02-04-2004, 09:10 PM   #8 (permalink)
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If its practical, go, because you care, and to close the chapter. If its not practical, call her dad and arrange something where you could pay your respects in private, maybe at the funeral home before the main services. Condolences...

Last edited by powerclown; 02-04-2004 at 09:13 PM..
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Old 02-04-2004, 09:39 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I am so sorry to hear of what has happened.
The best thing to do is stop trying to figure out what could have been done. That won't help the situation at all.
Now, I can sound impersonal about this, but I want you to keep on going and find out what you can do right now and for the rest of your life.
Also, I really hope that you take the opportunity to find closure, or else you will never be released of this void. Do whatever needs to be done to do so- see a therapist, visit her grave, cry it out, write a letter.......just release it. And know that they are still there in spirit- with you.
 
Old 02-04-2004, 10:17 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Different people celebrate the life of a lost friend or relative in different ways. Some people need things like memorial services. These can be good when the person involved in the service is very close to the person lost. If not they tend to get overly religious and preachy without focusing on why they are there.

I prefer to skip all memorial services. Instead I like to do something like start a campfire and sit down with one or maybe two other people. (Not too many - this is not a party). These folks can know her, or only just you, or maybe both of you. Either way, sit around the fire with maybe a LITTLE booze (this should not be a time to get faced) and tell some stories about that person. Remember some good things and cleanse yourself (hope you are comfy crying in front of the person you have at the fire). Celebrate what was good and maybe even see if there is anything that that person taught you in either life or death that you can use to make things just a little better.

Sorry about the loss. The wife beater deadbeat will get his. Don't you worry about making sure. Forget about him and he will get his on his own in his very own personal hell.
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Old 02-04-2004, 10:37 PM   #11 (permalink)
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everyone seems that closure is the best idea, but to add to the already painful situation


her and I never had closure in the relationship ending...we just sorta walked seperate directions.

so now I will never have the chance to close that chapter, and that is what is hurting.
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Old 02-04-2004, 11:24 PM   #12 (permalink)
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First let me say I m sorry. Its hard to deal with the passing of people you care for.
I was 11 years old when I lost one of my friends who was 16. He was hit by a drunk driver and killed instantly. He was coming home from work on his bicycle and the driver claimed that James was swerving in and out of the yellow lines on the road. The driver of the car had way over the legal limit of alchohol and all he got was a heavy fine, 3 months in jail, probation for 1 year, and suspended licence for 2.
Back in june of 2001 one of my ex boyfriends who I still remained bestfriends with after we broke up was murdered. It really hit me hard. I had just talked to him the day before and we were planing on getting together on the weekend to have a few drinks.
I never went to either funeral for James or Pat. James I think for my age was best that I didnt go, and Pats I couldnt bring myself to go and It took me forever to get over the fact that I didnt and I regreted it for the longest time.
Go to the funeral for her parents and for her and for yourself to say your final goodbye. Dont worry about the other people that are there and the differences you have with them.
Going will help the healing process. Not going will prolong it and fill you with even more hate and more regret.
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Old 02-05-2004, 12:10 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Go to the funeral. Ignore the dickhead husband. Pay your respects to her, and to her family as long as you're good with them still. THAT will mean the world to them. As far as personal closure, I'm sorry for your loss... but let me put this into perspective a moment.

Two people who loved each other so much decide to go their seperate ways. Perhaps there was no closure because there's no possible way to select a "closure option" for such a strong bond. You couldn't very well have just said "well fuck this", nor could you continue to dwell on it. Do you really want to think of her, in your memories of her, as something you had to categorize or "finalize"?

If love is truly everlasting, as I belive it is, then there will often not be such closure. As others have said- just because she's now gone from this world, does not mean she cannot live on in spirit through your love for her. You can "what if" anything in life, don't bother with it for soemthing as important as a memory of a lost love, it'll chew you up.

Best luck and wishes...
-analog.
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Old 02-05-2004, 12:57 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Great to see so many people comforting you. And yeah, at the very least go to the ceremony. Even if you're not sure you are the person that needs ceremonies to have closure... You'll only get one shot at attending it. Even if it's only to pay your respects to who she was and to her parents.

Talk to people about it, remember her. And allow yourself time to grieve. Don't push it away.

I'm sorry for your loss
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Old 02-05-2004, 01:05 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I am so sorry to hear about your loss man. This woman obviously was something very special to you. And her poor father has now lost the two women in his life; that's so tragic. Like everyone else here, I definately say you need to go to the ceremony to bring closure not only for you, but I think she would want you to be there. I hate that she married an ass but I am a firm believer in karma and what goes around, WILL come back around at him. But anyways, definately go to her ceremony if you feel comfortable. You definately don't want to have to worry about possibly regretting not going, much like Yalaynia said she now feels after not going to her friends' funerals. Remember the good times you guys had together. Best wishes for you and her family.
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Old 02-05-2004, 01:14 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Im sorry for your loss, and I understand exactly what you are going through. I lost my first love while we were still together. I still think that we would have lasted forever if it werent for death.

Go to the service to pay your respects, it is the highest respect you can offer someone after they have passed.

I still have nights I cant sleep, and I remember for my first year after she was gone I couldnt function, I was shellshocked for 6 months.

Take this advice, go see a psychiatrist, it will be the best thing for you right now, this kind of loss is the worst a spirit can endure.

And as best you can, dont do the 'what if' game, it is self defeating, and impossible, I am sure that you did all you could for her while she was alive. Put aside your differences with the husband, go to the funeral, and get help.

I've been there, and I'm only barely here to talk to you thanks to some very good friends.

Losing someone you love, someone who was a part of you is a terrible thing. Please feel free to find me on a messaging program (see profile) or hop on #tfp, Im almost always watching if you need a hand.
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Old 02-05-2004, 01:28 AM   #17 (permalink)
Psycho
 
OMG redrum, I'm so sorry for your pain and loss. You know you have to go to the service. Don't bring your anger toward her husband. That won't do any good. Just go and pay your respects.
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Old 02-05-2004, 05:35 AM   #18 (permalink)
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I'm so sorry, redrum.

Quote:
Originally posted by redrum
her and I never had closure in the relationship ending...we just sorta walked seperate directions.

so now I will never have the chance to close that chapter, and that is what is hurting.
You can still get closure for yourself about it, about the whole thing.

Listen, I think you can expect your mind to be on overdrive for a while about this. That's normal. What you described--the "if only I had..." thing--is totally, totally normal. Don't beat yourself up that you're going there. AND know that it's temporary, shock-induced thinking that will subside over time.
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Old 02-05-2004, 06:59 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Sorry man. I tend to agree with numist, find a psychiatrist, or at least a friendly ear to talk this over with. Crying never hurts, but beating yourself up will do no good.

Good luck
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Old 02-06-2004, 06:45 AM   #20 (permalink)
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sorry too hear that redrum. i have never lost my first love but i have been through a friends suicide and i never went to his funeral. i regret everyday that i never went to his funeral, but i made the wrong decision at the time (i should have come home instead of spending time with my ex).

although i can offer no other words to help, im deeply sorry dude. i know how i would feel if the same thing happened to me and i dont think i could function.

godbless and you will make the right decision for you in the end.
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Old 02-06-2004, 07:07 AM   #21 (permalink)
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sorry for the loss, but you don't get so caught up in the what if scenarios they can drive you mad. Sure you'll think about those things, but don't worry too much about it, as the choices you made were the right choices already for you at the time.
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Old 02-06-2004, 08:57 AM   #22 (permalink)
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i am sorry about your loss...be gentle with yourself.
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Old 02-16-2004, 05:14 PM   #23 (permalink)
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I can't even begin to advise you on this, but I just had to say I was sorry to read it.

My sympathies.
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Old 02-16-2004, 05:31 PM   #24 (permalink)
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There is still a a part of her waiting for closure as well.....her dad. If you were close to him, it may be helpful to you both to talk and cry....helping others thru loss can often lead to a breakthrough for the helper as well. It is also helpful to remember that the grief we feel is mostly a selfish reaction to "our" loss, as the one who passed is likely far better off than when they were here.
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Old 02-16-2004, 05:36 PM   #25 (permalink)
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I am so sorry.

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. If that means going to the service, go. If it means staying away, find some other way to honor her memory. You know best how she would have wanted you to deal with this. You have my deepest sympathies.
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