Once upon a time, there was a little bear named Roland. Roland, as bears go, was an asshole. He was always stomping on small trees and kicking rabbits in the balls and mocking baby birds' inability to fly 'till they started crying. He also made a habit of peeing upstream from the other bears while they were catching salmon. This annoyed the other bears and set them to plotting against Roland.
The chief bear, Fred, called the other bears together to discuss what should be done about Roland.
"Let's kick his ass!" said Bob bear.
"Let's throw porcupines at him!" said Guido bear
"Let's kill him!" said Sally bear.
"We can't kill him," said Fred, "but I like the porcupine thing, let's do that".
So Fred and Guido and a bear to be named later gathered eight porcupines together and set a trap for Roland. It was at a point in the bear trail where the trail wove between two large rocks. When Roland came strolling down the trail, he was sodomizing a squirrel with a pine cone while whistling a happy little bear tune. The theme from The Bear In The Big Blue House, I think. Anyway, just as Roland stepped into the aiming point a bolt of lightning pierced the gloom, fried little Roland, and sent the squirrel into multiple orgasms (the squirrel, we'll call him Ralph, was always a little messed up in the head afterwards). Since the source of their annoyance was now dead, the bears and the porcupines went back to their idyllic existances in the heart of the woods. Never in a million years would they have imagined that God had a favorite squirrel.
Hey, YOU wanted a story.
Edit: not too shabby for just making it up as I typed it.
