From my journal... 12/26/03
Quote:
It's fuckign killing me... I don't know why I need love to be happy...
I should be able to lead a perfectly normal existence without NEEDING love, and being a normally functioning human being.
I know what you're going to say- but love is beautiful, love is the greatest of all human emotions and expressions... love is what makes the world go around... how can you say you want to live without love?
I don't want to live without love. I just wish that I could spend a few days without feeling the heartache...without feeling that deep-down inside pain I feel... I want to be able to be me, without feeling the constant tug of the want for love.
Why can't I just feel that love and hold onto it? Is it that I fall in love too easily, or that I mentally find myself open to loving faster because I want to have that love? That's so fuckign selfish...
Can you imagine feeling confused as to why you're with someone, but you refuse to leave them because you feel you love them... but then you think about it and a relationship just wouldn't work in the long-run.....?
Fuck... why? Why? Why can't I wait to love? Why must I rush it each time, only to "fall in love" with someone I find out i'm not compatible with, and only wanted to be with because of the love they showed me? All it does it make me hurt, and kill the feelings of a poor girl deeply in love with a guy, who dumps her suddenly and without coherent reason.... I am a disgusting person for this... and I can't reconcile it to myself... but I can't help being overcome by the desire for love.
Someone please tell me... why do I have to love? Why so suddenly, why so easily, and why so deeply? It's killing me... and my heart has ached for far too long.
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I feel your pain, I feel it right now. It happens... but you have more love to look forward to in the future. Best wishes, and best of luck to you. -analog.