forkies

A friend of mine from high school and I started being together non-stop in our senior year of school (2000). Our friendship and relationship as best friends continued into the summer, and then I began to have romantic feelings for him. At the same time I was dealing with my bisexuality. I told him of my feelings before we went to college together, and he said that he wasn't gay/bi so nothing could happen between us. I continued to ask him if anything would be possible or if he would just give it a shot. In Feb. the next year (2001) we had a sexual encounter where I gave him oral. From then on we considered ourselves a couple, and he tried to deal with his sexuality.

However, he always prefers to get off on lesbian porn (which has no men in it...), and we've always struggled with his unwillingness to do certain sexual things to me. But this isn't just an uneasiness with me, as he's told me he is nervous about sex with a woman too. Recently things got better in that he seemed to be more comfortable with sex. However, he isn't attracted to me (or men at all, he says), so he never feels a desire to have sex. When we do get it on, he says it can be hot though--so he enjoys it.

I absolutely love him and I know he cares deeply for me too. If the problem with attraction wasn't an issue, I know we could be very happy together. I think we both feel like we have found each other as soul mates, but the lack of attraction causes sexual issues. He says he wishes this didn't have to happen (because we both want to be together), but that he doesn't know if things will ever change between us.

I've asked if he's been abused in he past, but he said no, and I trust him. His father is an alcoholic, and my friend is very afraid of conflict. He is also very unmotivated in doing things--he proctrastinates a lot, and I feel like maybe he is doing the same thing with self-betterment or exploration.

We've kind of broken up a few times in that we both see there is a problem, but this time he is the one saying it, and he's very serious. I am absolutely crushed because I thought things were getting better, and I want so badly to be with him. I feel rejected and a bit used. I feel like the one thing I want in life, to be with him, is gone forever.

I can help with any more background if my description of the situation isn't clear enough. Thanks for any help and encouragement.

[edit: his father is also very racist and homophic, saying he would disown my friend if he was ever in an interracial or same-sex relationship]