breaking up - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

forkies · 04-29-2003, 12:09 PM

A friend of mine from high school and I started being together non-stop in our senior year of school (2000). Our friendship and relationship as best friends continued into the summer, and then I began to have romantic feelings for him. At the same time I was dealing with my bisexuality. I told him of my feelings before we went to college together, and he said that he wasn't gay/bi so nothing could happen between us. I continued to ask him if anything would be possible or if he would just give it a shot. In Feb. the next year (2001) we had a sexual encounter where I gave him oral. From then on we considered ourselves a couple, and he tried to deal with his sexuality.

However, he always prefers to get off on lesbian porn (which has no men in it...), and we've always struggled with his unwillingness to do certain sexual things to me. But this isn't just an uneasiness with me, as he's told me he is nervous about sex with a woman too. Recently things got better in that he seemed to be more comfortable with sex. However, he isn't attracted to me (or men at all, he says), so he never feels a desire to have sex. When we do get it on, he says it can be hot though--so he enjoys it.

I absolutely love him and I know he cares deeply for me too. If the problem with attraction wasn't an issue, I know we could be very happy together. I think we both feel like we have found each other as soul mates, but the lack of attraction causes sexual issues. He says he wishes this didn't have to happen (because we both want to be together), but that he doesn't know if things will ever change between us.

I've asked if he's been abused in he past, but he said no, and I trust him. His father is an alcoholic, and my friend is very afraid of conflict. He is also very unmotivated in doing things--he proctrastinates a lot, and I feel like maybe he is doing the same thing with self-betterment or exploration.

We've kind of broken up a few times in that we both see there is a problem, but this time he is the one saying it, and he's very serious. I am absolutely crushed because I thought things were getting better, and I want so badly to be with him. I feel rejected and a bit used. I feel like the one thing I want in life, to be with him, is gone forever.

I can help with any more background if my description of the situation isn't clear enough. Thanks for any help and encouragement.

[edit: his father is also very racist and homophic, saying he would disown my friend if he was ever in an interracial or same-sex relationship]

Lebell · 04-29-2003, 01:01 PM

It sounds like your friend is dealing with many issues, all of which are tied around each other. These probably include dealing with his father, questions about his sexuality, and possibly molestation issues.

I hate to say it, but a relationship will be very difficult with him until he can start to deal with these things, probably in therapy. I worked through many of these myself, especially anger at my father (also an alcoholic).

I wish I could be more encouraging, but I'll tell you that time does heal and that you'll find someone.

Good luck bro.

cheerios · 04-29-2003, 06:47 PM

not much to add to Lebell, but wanted to say bummer, and good luck, too. Sounds like it's a serious blockage in a relationship, and maybe you just wanna take a break and let him get his shit worked out. if he can't well... there's plenty of other fish in the sea. Kinda a bummer, but there it is.

Slims · 05-01-2003, 10:43 PM

...Lots of gay people get involved with women and are unhappy. Maybe he is having sortof the reverse problem? He might care for you deeply as a friend and is confusing those feelings with, for lack of better words, romantic love.

Hope things work out

forkies · 05-05-2003, 02:24 PM

Lebell, if you don't mind my asking, how did you exhibit this anger toward your father? Did you not talk to him? My friend often gives in to his father to avoid confrontation/creating friction between the two of them.

Also, you say there could be issues of sexual abuse even though I mentioned I have asked him before and he said no. Do you think he wasn't telling the truth? Could it have happened and he repressed it? I guess I'm asking, did you simply overlook my stating that I have already asked him about it? or do you think there could be more to the story in that area?

04-29-2003, 12:09 PM	#1 (permalink)
forkies Tilted	breaking up A friend of mine from high school and I started being together non-stop in our senior year of school (2000). Our friendship and relationship as best friends continued into the summer, and then I began to have romantic feelings for him. At the same time I was dealing with my bisexuality. I told him of my feelings before we went to college together, and he said that he wasn't gay/bi so nothing could happen between us. I continued to ask him if anything would be possible or if he would just give it a shot. In Feb. the next year (2001) we had a sexual encounter where I gave him oral. From then on we considered ourselves a couple, and he tried to deal with his sexuality. However, he always prefers to get off on lesbian porn (which has no men in it...), and we've always struggled with his unwillingness to do certain sexual things to me. But this isn't just an uneasiness with me, as he's told me he is nervous about sex with a woman too. Recently things got better in that he seemed to be more comfortable with sex. However, he isn't attracted to me (or men at all, he says), so he never feels a desire to have sex. When we do get it on, he says it can be hot though--so he enjoys it. I absolutely love him and I know he cares deeply for me too. If the problem with attraction wasn't an issue, I know we could be very happy together. I think we both feel like we have found each other as soul mates, but the lack of attraction causes sexual issues. He says he wishes this didn't have to happen (because we both want to be together), but that he doesn't know if things will ever change between us. I've asked if he's been abused in he past, but he said no, and I trust him. His father is an alcoholic, and my friend is very afraid of conflict. He is also very unmotivated in doing things--he proctrastinates a lot, and I feel like maybe he is doing the same thing with self-betterment or exploration. We've kind of broken up a few times in that we both see there is a problem, but this time he is the one saying it, and he's very serious. I am absolutely crushed because I thought things were getting better, and I want so badly to be with him. I feel rejected and a bit used. I feel like the one thing I want in life, to be with him, is gone forever. I can help with any more background if my description of the situation isn't clear enough. Thanks for any help and encouragement. [edit: his father is also very racist and homophic, saying he would disown my friend if he was ever in an interracial or same-sex relationship] Last edited by forkies; 04-29-2003 at 06:45 PM..

04-29-2003, 01:01 PM	#2 (permalink)
Lebell Cracking the Whip Location: Sexymama's arms...	It sounds like your friend is dealing with many issues, all of which are tied around each other. These probably include dealing with his father, questions about his sexuality, and possibly molestation issues. I hate to say it, but a relationship will be very difficult with him until he can start to deal with these things, probably in therapy. I worked through many of these myself, especially anger at my father (also an alcoholic). I wish I could be more encouraging, but I'll tell you that time does heal and that you'll find someone. Good luck bro. __________________ "Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." – C. S. Lewis The ONLY sponsors we have are YOU! Please Donate!

05-01-2003, 10:43 PM	#4 (permalink)
Slims Eccentric insomniac Location: North Carolina	...Lots of gay people get involved with women and are unhappy. Maybe he is having sortof the reverse problem? He might care for you deeply as a friend and is confusing those feelings with, for lack of better words, romantic love. Hope things work out __________________ "Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill "All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence

04-29-2003, 06:47 PM	#3 (permalink)
cheerios Banned Location: 'bout 2 feet from my iMac	not much to add to Lebell, but wanted to say bummer, and good luck, too. Sounds like it's a serious blockage in a relationship, and maybe you just wanna take a break and let him get his shit worked out. if he can't well... there's plenty of other fish in the sea. Kinda a bummer, but there it is.

05-05-2003, 02:24 PM	#5 (permalink)
forkies Tilted	Lebell, if you don't mind my asking, how did you exhibit this anger toward your father? Did you not talk to him? My friend often gives in to his father to avoid confrontation/creating friction between the two of them. Also, you say there could be issues of sexual abuse even though I mentioned I have asked him before and he said no. Do you think he wasn't telling the truth? Could it have happened and he repressed it? I guess I'm asking, did you simply overlook my stating that I have already asked him about it? or do you think there could be more to the story in that area?