Sho Nuff

I suffered from all of the symptoms you are talking about. At one point I was co-president of a fraternity, senior editor of a newspaper, mentored jr high school kids on the weekends and was a member of a successful 4 member tournament karate team then slowly it all went away and a sank into a deep depression. It got to the point where i could barely drag myself out of bed to go to class. I didnt even bother to really get dressed after a while. My personal habits went downhill. My life was going nowhere and I felt completely useless.

Eventually I dropped out of school and moved to Florida with my girlfriend. I had wanted to live there every since I was a kid so I figured what the hell. I hated being where I was after a while and just wanted to get away. For a while I felt a little better. The sun and natural surroundings helped me to relax, but after a while I just gave in to my depression and started sitting back and smoking weed and letting my mind drift.

I guess hitting an emotional rock bottom woke me up and thats when I realized that the cause of most of my problems was that I simply that I wasn’t satisfied with my life. I just wasn't happy. I had a great family, loving girlfriend, I was smart, accomplished, and had so many things going for me but that made me all the more depressed because I felt that I was wasting so much potential (something id been told countless times my entire life) The weed helped me to let go and be more honest with myself and look past my own superego into my real ego. That’s when I accepted that I was no longer in control of my life. I was doing what I was told and had been doing so my whole life. I had been a victim to life and let it beat me. Then i started imagining what my ideal life would be and I spent countless hours in the park staring at the lake reading Issac Assimov novels and forgetting about life and responsibilities.

Eventually I realized that the goals I thought I had set for myself, the goals that I was so hard on myself for not achieving were not my own goals to begin with. I was a business major and I was good at it and I put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed and always be the best because my parents and peers always put that pressure on me. It was hard to stay motivated because I didnt really want to do it anymore and not doing it just made the guilt worse.

I spent 3 months at the lake learning to let it all go and reprogramming my mind. I reevaluated everything I ever thought about life and realized that too often the first answer to any question that popped into my head was a conditioned response and not my true opinion or desire. I meditated on making myself fearless and being willing to accept any and all consequences. I decided that the only way I would ever be happy would be to follow my own heart and my own path to the end.

I got a job delivering newspapers 7 nights a week (because spending all my time at the lake had emptied my life savings) and spent a couple more months just driving the highways and backroads at night, delivering newspapers in rural Florida and blasting music as loud as I wanted. I enjoyed the solitude of the dark nights and spent the time deciphering my own brain, taking down all the conditioning I and others had put there during the course of my life. After are a while I returned to school and finished my business degree just to get it over, with the knowledge that I had no obligation to stay in the field.

After graduation, I jumped from job to job for a while looking for a path. I discovered that what I really wanted was to not be behind a desk, travel and become comfortable defending myself and surviving. I was still somewhat depressed but my new found mental freedom was helping me overcome it. I used to have so much anxiety about starting new things because of a fear I would lose interest or fail that I did nothing. Once I convinced myself to not care and accept quitting or failing and ignore criticism I got a new passion for life. I became passionate about finding what it is I really wanted out of life. I discovered new hobbies and new interests.

Eventually, I came across a security job that allows me to travel, keeps me from having to work in an office and allows me to train with weapons and self defense techniques. It is so far removed from anything ive ever done and my family was not supportive in the least but im happy with my career choice and optimistic about my future for the first time in a long time. I may do this for only a year or two or I may stay in law enforcement for years. Either way it doesn’t much matter to me. Achievement, success, and money mean completely different things to me now. Ive dedicated my life to survival, knowledge, and to answering all the questions I have about myself and the world and experiencing everything I want to experience REGARDLESS of the consequences. I feel free for the first time in my life and while I still battle with depression occasionally I know that I am moving in the right direction. I am willing to accept all the repercussions of a lifestyle without a clear path or goal. Ive even accepted that in the worse case scenario I might die poor and alone. But I am willing to accept whatever happens without fear because I know that I will never have to ask "what if I had followed my heart".

Maybe this helps, maybe it doesnt. But if you take nothing else from this take this bit of knowledge: fear is the greatest impediment to happiness.

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I know Nietzsche doesnt rhyme with peachy, but you sound like a pretentious prick when you correct me.