Zorvox

*GEEZ THIS IS BIG EH* Sorry :P

G'day all..... I'll tell you a Little story.... and if you have any advice, or anything you wish to say... go ahead, as everything is valued.

Well in the past, I have only had 3 girlfriends... One was pretty much nothing.. the other I was in love with when I was about 15 (she was 17) anyway, I impregnated her, and we discussed it etc, anyway about 2 1/2 months into the pregnancy she went away, she just left... to another state and never said good bye, no contact details or anything... I took me ages to get over her and I had always carried knowing whether I was a father not was oblivious to me.

Anyway, years later, I had opportunities to start new relationships etc... with girls I liked too I may add... but I never did, because I was too afraid that things will just go sour again.

Anyway. a mate of mine introduced me to this girl.... that he liked and wanted to get with and stuff yeah.. I was like, hey yeah man, she's pretty cool... shes a nice person, and she's gorgeous too.

So... we all went out one night... and I ended up kissing her and stuff yeah.. So I did the whole "im smart thing" and a few days later got in contact with her and said sorry blah blah.. she said it was okay yeah...

So we ended up going places, talking to one another all that and ended up started "going out"...

I wasn't afraid... things just seemed so right, we just pretty much clicked..

So we went up to my mothers (Whic was pretty quick, cos it was holiday time) so we went up there and all that and things were good, It was probably about 3 weeks, maybe a month into the relationship... and I came to realize that I actually loved her.... it wasn't exactly like this hell strong "OMG I LOVE YOU" but it was the beginning of something good... she told me that she "loved me too"

We both wanted something that we could count on... not something that was just going to die in the arse and get all pathetic and childish and blah blah, meaningful. something strong, so that we weren't wasting our time.

Anyway, she ended up a little bit later, telling me that she didn't exactly love me, because it would take her a bit longer.... she just practically said it because it sounded right..

So.... we would see each other as much as possible, and speak to one another as much as we could. things were, I spose.. ok/good..

And after 2 months, she said that she "loved me" and couldn't imagine losing me, and me not being a big part in her life... she was so afraid of losing me etc.. yeah...

(Oh, I've had a pretty sort of shit life, and I have a bit of a problem with depression and using bad words - but I am a good person, I think anyway)

So yeah... one night I went out for a bit of a drink got pretty wasted with a mate of mine, I got home... And before then we had been talking about "Fixing one another's problems, and getting here and where we want to be in the future etc (not relationship wise - just in general)" so I said I'd help her and help her figure out stuff...

Anyway, I got home spoke to her on MSN and I don't know why, I was like.. swearing and shit and calling her a "Stupid bitch" and stuff yeah? I knew I was doing it, And I was like... no don't do it.. but I kept doing it

So later on, she ended up breaking it off... said it was over, she was sick of me calling her names and making her feel bad etc...

And that I had issues and problems that need to be adressed... and for about one hour she wouldn't even speak to me..

So yeah... i've had a mate that I speak to on the net only, known him for about 6 years... he's a very very WEIRD INDIVIDUAL, he hsa all these extreme self-opinionated outlooks on life. which are extremely weird, creative... but I don't really think should be spread around, because I guess they could become dangerous...

Me and my EX girlfriend we're having a bit of a problem between one another, So I let him in a chat and he helped us yeah.. all was good and was getting sorted out and she added him to her MSN List, so I guess they started talking and he was like telling her all the shit he use to tell me "you are a cloud, as you move along you must adapt to your different surroundings" your happiness is all that counts, not other's... blah blah blah etc.

Me and him had a bit of a falling out, and I hadn't spoken to him for ages, because he was being a complete cunt.

SO that night when she broke up with me, she had completely turnd into a different person, It was like I was talking to him... I was like, You've changed, what the hell?

I know his writing style, he has a very very unique style and because I spoke to him for so long I am pretty much able to acknowledge what he's said/written etc..

Obviously, she was relaying what we had been saying and he was pretty much writing for her.. and she was just copy/pasting, but she said she wasn't.

Anyway... things got pretty heated and I still couldn't live with the fact that she had ended things, and she wouldn't let me call her, she wouldn't let me call her no matter what. which infuriated me, I was so pissed off and upset, I was like standing up jumping around going "no no no no no no no no no" to myself.. it was freaking me out, it had happened again.. I was fucking my life up, destroying the things which were important to me.

So things pretty much ended on a sour note.

I sent her like 3 huuuge e-mails, saying that she has shown me what the REAL problem is, and that it needs to be adressed immediately otherwise, things will continue to go down hill. and that I was sorry, and that I am going to address the problem... (I rang my old psychiatrist about it, who had helped me in the past with my depresion / problems) so I am now speaking to him about it all.

And that I wish and hope that she will help me through it and not end things, as that's what relationships are about... to be there together to help one another through thick and thin and help address one another's problems and help them through it.

Your meant to fight for love right? not just give up and say, fuck it... it's over.. blah blah for me to start a relationship with her, was a huuuge thing and took alot of courage from me because I was so scared of shit happening again.

I told her that she said she loved me 3 days prior to all this, and that I truly love her and I never wanted to lose her, and I don't plan on doing so, That I am going to fight.. that's why i am fixing my problem..

Anyway, she said... "There is no way that we will ever get back together, no matter what - it's completely no, no going back" we will only ever be friends.

Me, I can't live with just being her friend she means the world to me, I love her so much... ever since I met her, I have continued to fall for her, find out more about her and grow to love her even more... she's a wonderful person, and she's so beautiful she's smart all that sort of stuff (but I mean it, and know it).

I just can't seem to get her to just look at the situation as a whole.. "Your trying to fix the problem, I guess that I should be reasonable and help you through it and support you because things will get better and the PROBLEM will be NO MORE"

IT feels like that guy has brain washed her..... he's like 3 states away, so they don't see one another physically or anything just over the internet... she said she feels more comfortable talking over the internet and stuff so...

I rang her, the night after and said "look, I love you... I don't want you to just throw all of this away, you mean the world to me.. Im not going to lose you over this, I am going to fight for you because I love you... Just give us some time, I need it to fix what's wrong will you please just wait?" she said no, it's over..

So i pretty much told her to shutup and let me finish, repeated what I said then I said "I love you, good-bye" and hungup..

5 mins later, she rang back and said "don't hang up on me, and tried to talk - I said that's the only way your going to understand" so I hung up again.

Said I wasn't going to speak to her, let things settle down because things were shaken up... but I msg'd her again and said "look I can't handle not speaking to you, can we just talk like normal people?" she said no, you know it won't work, well not now anyway.. and put me on block.

And that's where it's at now..

I know, that I love her, no matter how hurt I am now... I do love her, I have found so much within her that I love and I am going to fix my problems, no matter what, whether she's with me or not, I guess I should do it for myself also..

I know that I will eventually move on, if somehow I can't get her back... that it just takes time and positive energy.

I don't want to move on - I love her, I want to be with her and I can't imagine me seeing her with someone else, it would pain me so much...

I don't know how I will feel in a weeks time, a month's time etc... but this is now.. And it's now that matters..

I mean, she said she loved me... and she said she meant it etc... why is she just letting go like this - she can't really see what i'm saying, and I guess it's due to the fact of all that shit my old mate has said to her, I know he's infected her with all of his shit and I told her not to speak to him because it could have a negative impact on her, which it has.

Am I in the right.. what I am saying is correct, and is making sense, it's not wrong of me... I am doing the right thing? and it's not unreasonable or anything is it?

What should I do?

I think I have the right approach.. just let it settle, let emotions settle down so the impact of it all has gone,

I really do want to be her friend, but how I feel now.. there is no way it would work..

IF anyone can think of ANYTHING please tell me, as I am desperate for some sort of a solution..

Cheers