Thank you for all your advice. My school does have a psychologist but my school is (a big) part of the problems in my life. It's 2 hours traveling away and in a city that depresses the hell out of me.
Anyway, I'll spare you my lifestory, but suffice it to say that I am not killing myself.
I once got to a point where I had a plan all laid out and a letter written. Fortunately after trying to say goodbye to a pet I realised how much hurt I would cause the ones I left behind and I knew I never wanted to do that. That was a couple of years ago and I no longer concider suicide a viable alternative to any problem I have.
Things will get better, I'm just in a rut right now. I need to do an internship but I can't seem to get one. So right now I'm at home all the time with nothing to do. It is driving me insane. I just need something to do, but I can't just get a menial job or something because I might still get an internship (I am still applying). The combined force of having to apply and receive rejection after rejection and the fact that I'm not even sure if I am doing what I want to be doing is causing this enormous depression.
See, I don't know if my friends are actually people I want to be hanging out with. If my parents aren't actually people I really really hate and should focus on getting away from as soon as I can. If I would like to do the kind of work I am studying for. If I should be living where I am living If the girl I love is really someone I SHOULD love as she is 5000 miles away from me, etc.
It's like I'm not happy with the person I am and the life I'm living and the future it holds but I just can't see any way to improve this picture.
Sorry for the rant here. Conclusion: I just need to get my ass in gear and do something and quit thinking so much.
