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lurkette · 11-06-2003, 02:13 PM

Ratbastid and I have been together for 12 years, married for 8 of them. We don't agree on everything, we were young when we got married and didn't know exactly where we wanted to go. What we did know was that wherever we went, we wanted to go there together. We've both changed a lot over those 12 years, as you can imagine, and have been through a lot but what's been most important is that we've agreed to do whatever it takes to stay together. Sometimes that means making some sacrifices - e.g., giving up the freedom to just up and join the peace corps if you feel like it. But mostly it's allowed us to help each other grow in ways that are good for both of us. When he gets really involved in a project that takes him away from home a lot, he works on focusing more attention on us, and I work on being more independent and asking for what I want. When my brother died and I turned into an emotional zombie, he worked on not trying to fix me, and I worked on not stuffing my emotions and going numb. At any point, either one of us could have said "screw this, I'm outta here." But we didn't because we're committed to each other, and at the end of the day (and the beginning of the day, and the middle of the day) we still want to be with each other more than we want to each get our own way all the time. We've also been extremely self-aware and worked on a lot of bad communication and thought habits that are just bad in general but that could be REALLY bad in a relationship. I think a lot of divorces happen because people either married someone they don't even really love because it was safe or the next step or because the sex was great or whatever, or because they just don't know what else to do besides get divorced.

I don't think it's necessary to be married to have a healthy, lasting relationship. It adds an extra layer of "wait a minute" when you're feeling like bolting, but if you're committed and you say so, I don't think the stupid fluffy white ceremony and a stamp on your ass really makes a huge difference.

11-06-2003, 02:13 PM	#9 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	Ratbastid and I have been together for 12 years, married for 8 of them. We don't agree on everything, we were young when we got married and didn't know exactly where we wanted to go. What we did know was that wherever we went, we wanted to go there together. We've both changed a lot over those 12 years, as you can imagine, and have been through a lot but what's been most important is that we've agreed to do whatever it takes to stay together. Sometimes that means making some sacrifices - e.g., giving up the freedom to just up and join the peace corps if you feel like it. But mostly it's allowed us to help each other grow in ways that are good for both of us. When he gets really involved in a project that takes him away from home a lot, he works on focusing more attention on us, and I work on being more independent and asking for what I want. When my brother died and I turned into an emotional zombie, he worked on not trying to fix me, and I worked on not stuffing my emotions and going numb. At any point, either one of us could have said "screw this, I'm outta here." But we didn't because we're committed to each other, and at the end of the day (and the beginning of the day, and the middle of the day) we still want to be with each other more than we want to each get our own way all the time. We've also been extremely self-aware and worked on a lot of bad communication and thought habits that are just bad in general but that could be REALLY bad in a relationship. I think a lot of divorces happen because people either married someone they don't even really love because it was safe or the next step or because the sex was great or whatever, or because they just don't know what else to do besides get divorced. I don't think it's necessary to be married to have a healthy, lasting relationship. It adds an extra layer of "wait a minute" when you're feeling like bolting, but if you're committed and you say so, I don't think the stupid fluffy white ceremony and a stamp on your ass really makes a huge difference. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France