ANOTHER GIGANTIC POST
I know in my heart that I don't want to give this child up. The father is in a bit of a financial situation right now, and I I just got my hours raised at work. Plus I'm beginning to think that my parents aren't going to kick me out. So with the amount of money I'll be making and able to save by living with the parents, I should be fine. I should even be able to start a savings fund for the little tike, which is something my parents weren't able to do for me.
Now, I haven't talked to my parents in too much detail, but if I know them, they'll be willing to help me through this as long as they see me making a 100% effort. That's usually how they are. And his mom said that she's willing to do whatever she can to help her grandchild. We won't be alone handling this. Our families aren't going to abandon us.
I talked to his mom today for the first time in oh, well, forever. She asked how I was feeling, and gave me some phone numbers for resources. She said that they will support any decision we make, and she was really nice and calm and told me that we're in their prayers. That made me feel really good. I'm not so afraid of her as I have been. It took guts for me to call her, I dialed halfway and hung up twice before I actually did call. I didn't know what to expect.
I'd really like to get in to talk to a counselor about this. I don't want to go alone, and I'm willing to take some time off work if I need to so that we can go in together. This is now officially a team effort, ya know? And I think that with a neutral person trained to help in these types of situations, it'd be easier for me to make a decision with a clear conscience. Right now my conscience is telling me that I will regret it for the rest of my life if I give this baby up. I had nightmares about it last night. They werent' your typical nightmares, but I won't call them dreams because they were AWFUL.
I've gotten really irritable lately about certain things. I know that in usual circumstances, they wouldn't bother me so much and I'd have a decently open mind. The problem is, I don't realize it most of the time until afterwards when people (usually him) are already pissed off at me. And then I feel horrible, and it's too late to go back and re-say anything. But he and I usually end up talking at night when I'm already tired and not feeling well. I was hoping I'd be sick in the mornings, because I had a feeling that our communication would be made more difficult if it was at night. I know how I get when I don't feel well...
*sigh* Thank you girls so much for all the support you're giving me. It makes me feel so good to know that I'm not alone and that there are other people who have been through similar situations and made it through okay...
to all of you!