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I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like your father was a remarkable man.
I can't explain or justify the actions of your father. And I would in no way want to denigrate your feelings or memories.
Your father must have touched many people during his life. One of those people who try to live their beliefs. Why that didn't extend to his family, I wouldn't presume to guess. But, I know it has to hurt.
I don't know you or your situation well enough to say anything that you might find helpful. And I would feel awkward trying to expound on what lessons there may be. There's a lot of pain there, and I don't think you're wrong for feeling the way you do. Having a child of my own, it's given me something to ponder. Thank you for sharing your story.
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When life hands you a lemon, say "Oh yeah, I like lemons. What else you got?"
Henry Rollins
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