On the other hand, he may not be able to commit to loving her fully if he does not find out know what he wants. My brother-in-law's father had five children and a twenty year marriage before he went gay. It might be nice to know these things now. If he never finds out the truth, it will eat away at him and may sour everything anyways. also, is it a man you want, or anal play? My wife has learned to give me what I want because she knows it is important to me. (anal play, not gay.("not that there's anything wrong with that", Seinfeld)). In return, I have to focus on what she wants, because it is important to her. If she won't shove a dildo in your ass because she thinks its gross, then you need to look at whether she will be tolerant of other behaviors down the line. His wife needs some give and take, too. And yes, I believe sex can wreck a marriage. You are asking him to be strong, but what about her? There are two parts to every relationship, and if she is not working to support him, then tht is a failure too. I am sorry this rambles, but I am up way too late.
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