10-17-2003, 08:45 AM
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#5 (permalink)
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Addict
Location: Nottingham, England
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The article is to big to post, so I'll just put in a couple of the reviews.
Quote:
E.T. the Extra- Terrestrial
Atari 2600 • 1983
The original lousy licensed game, E.T. had players fishing phone parts and Reese's Pieces from holes in the ground. EGM voted it the worst game of all time. We forced the kids to play it because…well, we had to when we were little. Why shouldn't they suffer, as well?
[E.T. falls into a pit]
Tim: What just happened?
John: Ah, you're trapped forever!
Brian: This is sad.
Tim: Why did my head just get farther away? I can't get out.
Kirk: Maybe you should try to go over those dark green things.
Tim: I'm trying. I don't know how.
John: He's using his E.T. powers! What does this have to do with the movie? I don't remember the parts where E.T. falls into pits and makes his neck longer….
Kirk: Quit falling into the stupid pit, you piece of s***!
Tim: Can I stop now?
Brian: This controller's crap; you need to sit on top of the TV to play.
[An icon appears in the pit]
John: Yay! You got a…thing.
EGM: What did you get?
John: A backwards C?
Brian: Reese's Pieces? Am I in a different pit this time?
[Ten minutes later, Brian escapes the pit]
Tim: Whoa, someone has you!
John: It's a lady.
Tim: No it's not. Her hair is E.T.
Sheldon: No! No! Not E.T.! Kill! Kill! Kill E.T.! Glock E.T.!
John: This game is so confusing.
Kirk: No wonder it's the worst ever.
Brian: A flower grew!
Kirk: Piss on it.
Tim: Oh look—it's a dork!
[Points to Elliott on the screen]
John: He put himself inside your body. He bestowed his life force upon you.
Tim: [Points to lava lamp on TV stand] That thing's more interesting.
John: Yeah, let's watch the lamp. It's more fun and less predictable.
Tim: E.T. is unpredictable: You never know when you'll fall into a pit or when a kid is gonna enter your body…I mean use your skin as his own.
Nico: Didn't they bury this game in Mexico or something?
Gordon: Is that a woman?
Becky: It's Zeus. He's taking you away to the Acropolis.
Andrew: The point of E.T. is to see how bad they can piss you off...
Nico: …before you turn it off.
Becky: Maybe another movie company that didn't want you to like E.T. made this game.
Andrew: Yeah, it was some sort of corporate sabotage.
Sheldon: Hurry, make him die!
Gordon: Please.
[E.T. finally dies—general clapping and hurrahs]
Andrew: Eeeeeteeeee phone home.
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Space Invaders
Arcade • 1978
This 25-year-old shooter was the first arcade game to become a national sensation.
EGM: This game was so popular in Japan that—
John: They made it into a TV show?
EGM: Well, no. It was so popular that they ran out—
John: Oh, did they make collectible trading cards for it?
EGM: Um, no. It was so popular that there was a shortage of the coins used to play it.
John: But you can get this game on a cell phone. Why would you want to pay for it in an arcade?
Andrew: I've seen a game like this in the arcade, but it's tons faster.
Sheldon: …and it's in color.
Andrew: …and your spaceship looks more like a spaceship.
Nico: …and not like a little box.
Gordon: It looks like food.
Andrew: Where's my rapid fire?
Nico: The aliens look like spiders...
Becky: …and squids and crabs.
John: Maybe this is what seafood will do in a thousand years.
EGM: How long could you play this game before you got bored?
Sheldon: About 15 minutes.
Andrew: If you take it on the road and play it on your cell phone, then you might play it pretty long.
Nico: There's nothing else to do.
Andrew: Except look at nature.
EGM: Would you rather play this or play outside?
Andrew: Outside.
Nico: This game needs a super bomb or something.
Tim: This is nothing compared to Grand Theft Auto III, because you can't steal a taxi cab, pick up somebody, then drive into the ocean with him.
Kirk: And you can't pick up an AK-47 and go kill—hey, those aliens on the top row, you use them in EGM for stuff.
EGM: Yeah, we use them to end our articles. They do kinda look like they're from Space Invaders, don't they?
Tim: They're going to sue you.
Kirk: I'm sure everyone who made this game is dead by now.
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