Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - "Gentle" or "Abrupt" breakups: which are easier to get over?

esotar · 10-12-2003, 06:11 AM

Back in the beginning of this year, I had an online relationship with a womon in the UK. We got along great, had many things in common, and spent nearly every day together online (cam + mic), we considered ourselves to be in a relationship, to be dating one another. She even told me she was in love with me. Neither of us could be considered "wealthy", nevertheless, she decided she wanted to come to the states and be with me. She bought a very expensive ticket, scheduled three weeks off from work, I got all excited, I also took three weeks vacation time.

All seemed well until about two weeks before she was scheduled to arrive. She began avoiding me, not sending emails, not replying to my emails, not hanging out with me online. I figured she was getting up to stuff (cyber slutting) but I'm a kind soul, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. A week before she was scheduled to arrive, I wrote her a beautiful, long email, reassuring her that I wanted her to come stay with me as my friend, that there was no expectation on my part that we would necessarily be lovers "in the real", regardless whatever may have been going on between us online. She did not respond to that email.

I became distraut, everything was getting crazier and crazier. I took another womon into my confidence (the womon that is now my partner) to talk to, see if I was being crazy and obsessive. Both my realworld friends and my cyberfriends (I dislike having to distingush between these two sets of people........but there it is anyway) told me it sounded strange, and to keep at it until she provided answers.

Then, 4 days before she was supposed to arrive, everything reached critical mass. I got to her online, and she sent me a message obviously ment for someone else. A message in which she refered to me in a very harsh way. I was seething, but decided my best course of action was to walk away from the computer for a while. When I came back some time later, she had sent me a IM stating that she was in love with another. Everything crashed down, and two of my friends spent the better part of that evening getting drunk with me.

I was angry and hurt for quite a while. I still get suspicious with my current lover, even though the womon I am with now is 1000 times different, and our relationship is not only different from my previous one, I feel that this relationship is my first mature relationship. The relationship I had before had to end as it did, it gave me the opportunity to grow, to decide what I want out of a relationship, make the choices, or at least map what choices I want to consider.

Overall, I do think abrupt, although harsh, is the better way to go. Both parties are then free to go off, lick their wounds, re-establish their lives, and perhaps in the future find the common ground again and become friends, if possible.

10-12-2003, 06:11 AM	#25 (permalink)
esotar Upright Location: triangle area, nc	Back in the beginning of this year, I had an online relationship with a womon in the UK. We got along great, had many things in common, and spent nearly every day together online (cam + mic), we considered ourselves to be in a relationship, to be dating one another. She even told me she was in love with me. Neither of us could be considered "wealthy", nevertheless, she decided she wanted to come to the states and be with me. She bought a very expensive ticket, scheduled three weeks off from work, I got all excited, I also took three weeks vacation time. All seemed well until about two weeks before she was scheduled to arrive. She began avoiding me, not sending emails, not replying to my emails, not hanging out with me online. I figured she was getting up to stuff (cyber slutting) but I'm a kind soul, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. A week before she was scheduled to arrive, I wrote her a beautiful, long email, reassuring her that I wanted her to come stay with me as my friend, that there was no expectation on my part that we would necessarily be lovers "in the real", regardless whatever may have been going on between us online. She did not respond to that email. I became distraut, everything was getting crazier and crazier. I took another womon into my confidence (the womon that is now my partner) to talk to, see if I was being crazy and obsessive. Both my realworld friends and my cyberfriends (I dislike having to distingush between these two sets of people........but there it is anyway) told me it sounded strange, and to keep at it until she provided answers. Then, 4 days before she was supposed to arrive, everything reached critical mass. I got to her online, and she sent me a message obviously ment for someone else. A message in which she refered to me in a very harsh way. I was seething, but decided my best course of action was to walk away from the computer for a while. When I came back some time later, she had sent me a IM stating that she was in love with another. Everything crashed down, and two of my friends spent the better part of that evening getting drunk with me. I was angry and hurt for quite a while. I still get suspicious with my current lover, even though the womon I am with now is 1000 times different, and our relationship is not only different from my previous one, I feel that this relationship is my first mature relationship. The relationship I had before had to end as it did, it gave me the opportunity to grow, to decide what I want out of a relationship, make the choices, or at least map what choices I want to consider. Overall, I do think abrupt, although harsh, is the better way to go. Both parties are then free to go off, lick their wounds, re-establish their lives, and perhaps in the future find the common ground again and become friends, if possible. __________________ "Without meditation, where is peace? Without peace, where is happiness?" -- the Bhagavad Gita