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Rodney · 09-10-2003, 04:08 PM

If you have a real need to know about possible heredity medical issues, ask through an intermediary. Respect her wishes.

I know a woman, in her late 50s at the time, who was adopted (both adoptive parents still alive), but did have some odd medical conditions that her children shared and wanted to know more. But her birth mother had not wanted to be contacted.

But for the sake of these possible medical conditions, she did manage track down her birth mom; actually, she managed to find a cousin of the birth mother, who was willing to confirm her name and place of residence. Now, she could have stopped there and just sent the cousin on to gather the info; apparently he was willing.

But she couldn't. She suddenly felt like she had to "connect" with her birth mother, despite the mother's wishes. When she did contact her, it was a stone bummer. Birth Mom had been an unmarried mom in the '30s; a CATHOLIC unmarried mom in the '30s, and had had an affair with an older married man that produced my friend. She had buried that entire part of her life, made it a secret, moved on. She did _not_ want the past -- my friend -- coming back to upset her life.

Since you are 40 years old, your adopted mom also came from a time and place -- the early 60s -- when an out-of-wedlock birth was still a thing of shame, to be covered up if at all possible and never talked about again. The odds are good that you showing up would throw a bomb into her life. The fact that you've driven by her house and are considering sending a card, even if anonymous, makes me think that you really would like to connect. I repeat: don't. You have a life; live it. And let her live hers. She may not have wanted to leave you behind; but she needed to. And she still needs to.

09-10-2003, 04:08 PM	#5 (permalink)
Rodney Observant Ruminant Location: Rich Wannabe Hippie Town	If you have a real need to know about possible heredity medical issues, ask through an intermediary. Respect her wishes. I know a woman, in her late 50s at the time, who was adopted (both adoptive parents still alive), but did have some odd medical conditions that her children shared and wanted to know more. But her birth mother had not wanted to be contacted. But for the sake of these possible medical conditions, she did manage track down her birth mom; actually, she managed to find a cousin of the birth mother, who was willing to confirm her name and place of residence. Now, she could have stopped there and just sent the cousin on to gather the info; apparently he was willing. But she couldn't. She suddenly felt like she had to "connect" with her birth mother, despite the mother's wishes. When she did contact her, it was a stone bummer. Birth Mom had been an unmarried mom in the '30s; a CATHOLIC unmarried mom in the '30s, and had had an affair with an older married man that produced my friend. She had buried that entire part of her life, made it a secret, moved on. She did _not_ want the past -- my friend -- coming back to upset her life. Since you are 40 years old, your adopted mom also came from a time and place -- the early 60s -- when an out-of-wedlock birth was still a thing of shame, to be covered up if at all possible and never talked about again. The odds are good that you showing up would throw a bomb into her life. The fact that you've driven by her house and are considering sending a card, even if anonymous, makes me think that you really would like to connect. I repeat: don't. You have a life; live it. And let her live hers. She may not have wanted to leave you behind; but she needed to. And she still needs to.