Dano069

Okay, this is gonna be messy. Last year, at the age of 40, I found out I was adopted. Shocking? Yes, a bit, but also hilariously funny (to me, anyway) I have an older brother, also adopted, and over the years we kidded one another how one of us or both of us were adopted.

Anyway, via the courts and a private investigator, I have found my birth mom. I know her name and I have her address. Now, she has indicated she wants NO contact with me. I'm respecting her wishes, for now, but would like to get medical information from her, since I have kids.

I don't want to disturb her current family situation. She married her husband in 1969 and they've been together ever since. I doubt I've come up in ANY converstation they may have had over the years. I've driven past her house and possibly saw either a half-sister or half-sister-in-law putting her kids in her car. What would you do?

Also, how would you feel if you found out your spouse/SO/mom or dad had another child somewhere? Would you be open to contact? Would it change your relationship with your SO? Just wondering.

Also, what are your opinions about me sending an anonymous holiday card with current family picture enclosed? Yeah, I'm goofy that way.

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The_Dude

I suggest you dont bother your birth mother. But, that's coming from somebody who has never been married and will probably be never in your situation.

If she doesnt want any contact with you, I think you should respect her wishes.

As for the medical information, I think that it is a valid enough reason to contact your mother. I say that u let somebody do it for you.

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j8ear

My wife and sister-in-law are both adopted. My sister in law spent alot of money and anguish to locate her birth mom....only to be informed that this person wanted nothing to do with her. She was and is devastated. The money she spent was with her original adoption agency (a lutheran thing) and since the birth mom wanted nothing...they gave her nothing. It still seems like a huge scam to me. 25k to adopt, then 10k to learn about the adoption with them providing nothing but heart ache?

She thinks about persuing it further, but came to the realization that in the end she and her sister were very lucky to have been adopted by such a wonderful family. Further she realized that any of the medical information she had hoped to gleen from her birth mom was quite reasonably assertained using other methods.

I have asked my wife alot about any interest she has about locating her birth mom and she has absolutely none. She ~has~ a mom. She is also quite adament that the 'medical info' reasoning is nonsense, as mentioned earlier, because ALL of this info is assertainable otherwise.

Obviously, I only speak from a hear-say perspective, but I would leave it alone (although knowing me I'd probably persue it and regret it later). It's hard enough I'm sure to learn that your biological mom wants nothing to do with you...but probably even more difficult to deal with what could be an irate or even out-of-control person making a scene should you go against her wishes and introduce yourself.

Tough spot to be in. I wish you a steady mind and a sound constitution with your decision making.

I suspect you realize that should you persue it, you ~will~ definately disturb her current family situation.

best,

-bear

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Cynthetiq

i'm not adopted but do have friends who have all wanted to find out for medical reasons only what their predispositions were.

They wanted to respect the wishes of another individual as they would want someone to respect them.

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Rodney

If you have a real need to know about possible heredity medical issues, ask through an intermediary. Respect her wishes.

I know a woman, in her late 50s at the time, who was adopted (both adoptive parents still alive), but did have some odd medical conditions that her children shared and wanted to know more. But her birth mother had not wanted to be contacted.

But for the sake of these possible medical conditions, she did manage track down her birth mom; actually, she managed to find a cousin of the birth mother, who was willing to confirm her name and place of residence. Now, she could have stopped there and just sent the cousin on to gather the info; apparently he was willing.

But she couldn't. She suddenly felt like she had to "connect" with her birth mother, despite the mother's wishes. When she did contact her, it was a stone bummer. Birth Mom had been an unmarried mom in the '30s; a CATHOLIC unmarried mom in the '30s, and had had an affair with an older married man that produced my friend. She had buried that entire part of her life, made it a secret, moved on. She did _not_ want the past -- my friend -- coming back to upset her life.

Since you are 40 years old, your adopted mom also came from a time and place -- the early 60s -- when an out-of-wedlock birth was still a thing of shame, to be covered up if at all possible and never talked about again. The odds are good that you showing up would throw a bomb into her life. The fact that you've driven by her house and are considering sending a card, even if anonymous, makes me think that you really would like to connect. I repeat: don't. You have a life; live it. And let her live hers. She may not have wanted to leave you behind; but she needed to. And she still needs to.

GSRIDER

I've almosted embarked on the quest a few times myself.

I'm adopted and have always know. My parents told me the "story" about my birth mother and her drug habits and why she gave me up. I even recieved a letter from her when I was but a wee child (my parents kept it from me until I turned 18). So I know her name, and a couple cities shes lived in... and dreadfully my name prior to adoption (thanks mom and dad for changing it... THANKS!!!!!).

My sister who is also adopted sought out her history for medical purposes, had the option to meet and greet and turned it down.

So I've half heartidly searched a few times, like I said I know her name and the last city she lived in so sometimes I just call information or google her. I always get matches but never follow up.

But like you, I have 3 kids now and they all look like me, so who do I look like?


If anything, I'd say go for it. But if you want to respect her wishes, don't let her know who you are, become a traveling salemen for a day, and just say hello and don't let in on your secret identity.

Anyboy here in Oklahoma City OK? I got a job for you... find my mummsie

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Thraeryn

I'm with everyone who suggests you go through an intermediary for the medical information. Give that person the right to tell her about you if she asks; she might, when approached by the go-between. She might not, and then you'll know and have handled the situation in a respectful, business-like manner.

Dano069

I've already been through an intermediary, that's how I found out she wants no contact. She told the CI (Confidential Intermediary) that she has a "heart problem" Well, that pins it down now doesn't it?

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Averett

Everyone has a heart problem.

You have your family, Dano. They are all you need.

And besides, if your heart hasn't exploded while lifting weights yet, right?

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Dano069

Yeah, that's true, but it's only been a week. Wait till I get on the treadmill.

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Dano069

I wanted to thank all of you for taking the time to reply to my post.

I'm taking your advice and won't be contacting my mom. I have been leaning this way, but, there's always that nagging doubt, in the back of my mind. I really do NOT want to screw up her family life.

Thanks again for helping me out with this. You guys and gals are great!

As for the medical info, well, life is pretty much a crapshoot anyway, isn't it?

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tinfoil

Man, don't forget about your own feelings here. Yes, she wishes not to be contacted, but what are your wishes?

Ya man. Just don't forget the return address ;>

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Dano069

I may still send the card. Like I said, anonymously. Just a card with a picture in it. No name, no address.

Man, sometimes you just have to sacrifice your feelings for someone else's. Besides, I've been doing that for so damn long, it's like second nature.

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quadro2000

I don't think there's any good reason to send the card. If you send it without a name and address, not only is she probably upset that you made contact, but she doesn't know for sure if it's you or not.

You are right. It's a fact of life that we have to sometimes sacrifice our feelings for someone else's. It's like in a relationship - when one person really wants to break up and the other doesn't...there's not much you can do.

At this point, your mother knows you have tried to be in contact. If she ever changes her mind, she knows what she can do. I know that's a tough thing to hear.

The important thing is to not look back at this and think that there was something wrong with YOU that caused her to give you up, but you seem relatively well-adjusted (in a perverted sort of way), so I'm sure you're already confident about this. Plus, anybody from Nippleville gets my vote of confidence.

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Dano069

Thanks quadro2000. I guess I am relatively well-adjusted. (I LIKE being perverted! ) I know there was nothing wrong with me. She just got pregnant and couldn't keep me. Not a big deal. My adoptive parents treated me VERY well. Hell, had it not been leaked at a family wedding, my brother and I probably would have never known.

I actually am feeling a sense of peace about it. It's time to move on.

(it's actually Naperville, but, close enough Nippleville sounds so much better! )

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yoshi

Hmmmm, not sure what to tell you. As for your other questions, yes I would definitely be open to contact and I don't think it would change my relationship with my SO.

Maybe you could send a letter or something and give her the choice of getting in touch with you.

fuzzix

I was actually thinking about something similar the other day, I came to the conclusion that if I ever found out I was adopted I wouldn't bother looking for my biological parent's at all (unless I was afraid I might go bald!). The people that brought you up are your real parents, the ones you love so there's really no point in complicating things. Especially if your bio mum has made it clear she want's no contact, I'd respect that and go on as if nothing ever happened
But waiting till you were 40 to tell you? How absolutely bizarre, may as well not have told you at all :P

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EeOh1

If she's indicated she wants no contact, then do your best to follow her wishes. I know you have needs, too. You have to find a semi-happy medium. If all you're looking for is medical information, then I'd suggest a letter, addressed to HER asking for a simple response on her health and your biological father's health. (If they have any history of lung/heart disease, etc.)

If you're looking to speak with her for emotional reasons, then I'd suggest a letter asking for a short meeting. Tell her that you don't want a commitment, but you'd like to at least have lunch - for closure. If she doesn't respond to the letter, then I'd tell you she's not worth thinking about ever again.

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Lyaec123

I'd say go for it, it's kind of her problem, not really yours, and I think that other family members (half sisters etc) might be interested to hear the story, even if it is a skeleton in your true mother's closet.

quadro2000

You know, I was watching Family Ties the other day (man, I love that show) and it was the one where Skippy found out he was adopted. He was heartbroken when he visited his mom and realized that it just wasn't working out.

The moral of the story is. You don't want to be Skippy. 'Cause then we'll have to start calling you Skippy, and nobody needs that.

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Dano069

Yes, I'd much prefer to be called "Jif"

As for why I wasn't told until I was 40, well, I really don't know why. Adoptive dad died in 1979. Adoptive mom died in 1991. Why no one told us after she died is anybody's guess. We were told, "Oh, we thought you knew" Guess not, huh?

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baaa

As an adopted child myself I have wondered if I might have brothers or sisters. That would probably be the only reason I would ever contact my birth parents, other than to get their medical history.
So I say that you should contact them, as long as you are comfortable with finding out that your birth parents could possibly be lunitics.

Dano069

Hey Baaa, they can't be anymore nucking futs than I am!

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nostalgic1

my situation is pretty messed in and of itself... i would try to explain my story to you.. but its much too complicated...

all i can say is.. i'm adopted.. i was actually in the care of the state for quite some time before being adopted..

the only difference is.. i knew my birth-parents... i was taken away from them..

its a hard thing.. but i know that no matter what.. i never want to see them again... i have my family now.. and they're great.. they're all i need... really...

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motdakasha

Not to disrupt the general consensus here, but I feel that if you want to know about possible hereditary conditions, she should at least be more specific. I think you should contact her somehow. Since she doesn't want contact, I'd recommend some private non-invasive manner. For instance, I think the card is a good idea, although I wouldn't make it too anonymous. I'd leave a return address on the envelope, but without a name. That way, if she thinks it's you in the picture, she can choose to write and ask or not.

Personally, I think the fact that you are her child by birth gives you the right to contact her despite her wishes, especially if you're concerned about health conditions. She let you into this world, even if you were given up for adoption, you are still one of her responsibilities. Giving a child up for adoption doesn't make you scott free of all responsibility over them. If she wants to keep you a secret, that's her problem, but you're her offspring. Family is family. You deserve to know.

It seems I've had a completely different experience with adoption than most posting here. Both of my parents were adopted in rather strange circumstances. My father was not legally adopted so his birth certificate was not sealed. In 24 hours, he managed to locate both parents via phone. The story of how he came to be adopted was rather melodramatic and suddenly we became part of this large, in-the-blood, family. It was extremely surreal. I'm glad he got the random urge he did to contact his parents because if he had waited any longer, I would have never met my paternal grandfather or grandmother. They died a few years after we established contact.
As for my mother (and my uncles), she knows who her mother is and I believe her father is deceased. I'm not sure, though, because she avoids talking about them. Her mother will sometimes send Christmas cards, but I've never seen them as my mother seems to think her mother is some sort of dark secret. All she has to do is fill out some papers to find out about other relatives and contact them. She doesn't though and it angers me. She won't even find out for her own children--my sister and I both want to know about the family on her side. We know her mother has a condition and we want to know if there is any pattern within the family to know how likely it is that we could develop a similar condition. She seems to hold a similar opinion as some people on this thread, but it's frustrating because I want to know. This is one of the reasons why I have so much resentment toward her. Grr!

Anyway, I say do it. You have every right to know about any possible medical conditions.

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dy156

Just a story and I join the others that have said don't bother.

When I was growing up, my mom tried to find out her birth mother's whereabouts. Her birth mother was dead, but she contacted her siblings or half-siblings. They didn't know, but came over, and we visited them once too. It was very weird, and it was quickly evident that there was a difference in cultures. While by no means wealthy, both my parents had advanced degrees, and no one in her birth family had been to college. We just did not have anything in common with any of them, other than talking about the adoption. It hurt my grandparent's feelings, and hurt her biological family's feelings when we did not come for Christmas, Thanksgiving, and other family reunions, and she got no medical information about either of her parents, who died in an accident. I am grateful to my grandparents for providing a good environment for my mom, and it made me really believe in how beneficial to society adoption can be.

Soggybagel

I will chime in also...though late. I am adopted as well. In any case I feel for you and your situation as you want to connect but as everyone has already said...I would reccomend not sending any card or anything...unless it becomes absolutley dire and you cannot find out anything medically unless you do that. Secondly as I said I'm adopted and the truth is I think about who my real parents are but I know there is no way I will ever know. I'm actually asian and was from what I've heard basically abondoned...and considering that I know I will never know my real parents. Its certainly a bummer but I love the life I'm living now.

Thraeryn

I uh, thought of something that not all of you might have contemplated.

Dom(me)s sometimes impregnate their submissives. (Or have them impregnated.) It's pretty damn rare, I imagine, but is it something that you'd like to find out? "Oh, yes, I told your mother that I wanted to taste her breastmilk and that I was going to impregnate her. I had her put you up for adoption. Would you care to see her? She's strapped to a table in the back, and I'm sure that she'd be excited to see you."

Dano069

Gee Thraeryn, since you put it that way, now I KNOW I have to contact my mom.

"Hi mom, I see you're tied up right now. I'll come back a little later. No, no, don't get up. I'll see myself out."

The family ties that bind.

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Dano069

I came up with another great idea for the pictures. The first one will be of my family from behind. You'll only be able to see our backs. That will be sent out at Thanksgiving. Two weeks later, a side profile view of the family will be sent. The week after Christmas, I'll send the full frontal shots of the family, that way, mom can slowly adjust to us.

Hmm, I wonder if I should wear my Bastard's Nation T-shirt in the photos?

(www.bastards.org)

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