View Single Post
Old 08-23-2003, 08:51 AM   #1 (permalink)
RoadRage
Stay off the sidewalk!
 
RoadRage's Avatar
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
McDonald's Corporate Strategy Revealed To Be Work Of Aliens

Business News

Thursday,_ August 21 12:01 AM EDT

McDonald's Corporate Strategy Revealed To Be Work Of Aliens
By Barry Mitchell

Oak Brook, IL - Shares of McDonald's Corporation soared today when new Chairman Wayne Havers revealed himself to be an alien from a nearby galaxy sent to cultivate "human stock".

"Our business plan has been simple," Havers announced to the 15-member board and assembled members of the press at its quarterly meeting in Oak Brook. "Develop a means of rapidly fattening a portion of the human population for a continued multi-generational harvest for overlords on their way to rule your miserable planet."

"We felt that the current appeal of corporate honesty and the continued infatuation with the stock market made this the prime time for being open with our stockholders and customers."

Wall Street Journal analyst Richard Nelson commented, "The media are looking harder than ever for corporate dishonesty - seeking to break the next Enron scandal. McDonald's saved face today by revealing itself rather than letting their secrets be uncovered. At the same time, their brilliant strategy makes them a even stronger player."

Trading firm Myers-Ackley-Jones changed McDonald's recommendation from "Hold" to "Strong Buy" on the news - a move that was followed by several other firms. This turn-about came after several weeks of falling prices due to consumer lawsuits against fast food chains.

McDonald's stockholders approved of the announcement of the company's imminent dominion over humankind. Nicholas Guarini held no doubts. "I mean, sure, it was a shock. But I think my shares are just going to keep going up. Especially when those overlords arrive to take over."

AP reporter Janis Friedman asked Havers, "What makes you think this revelation won't result in lower sales?" Havers responded, "Our strategy combines the use of addictive additives and compulsive advertising. Your puny human brains cannot resist."

Havers proceeded to remove Friedman's head with giant horizontal mandibles, much like an insect's, and devoured her on the spot.
McDonald's customers seemed unfazed by the news. At a Los Angeles McDonald's, businesswoman Gayle Ming ate her morning McGriddle sandwich, which she says is her near-daily routine. "It's not like we don't know it's not healthy for us," said Ming. "Besides, they have every right to pursue their own success. This is America, you know."

Shares of key competitor, Yum! Brands, Inc. (owners of KFC, Taco Bell, and others), also rose on hints of similar forthcoming announcements.

From http://www.bbspot.com/News/2003/08/mcdonalds.html
__________________
Join TFP Team SETI
43K workunits complete, 34 members, more of each needed.
RoadRage is offline  
 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360