McDonald's Corporate Strategy Revealed To Be Work Of Aliens - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

RoadRage · 08-23-2003, 08:51 AM

Business News

Thursday,_ August 21 12:01 AM EDT

McDonald's Corporate Strategy Revealed To Be Work Of Aliens
By Barry Mitchell

Oak Brook, IL - Shares of McDonald's Corporation soared today when new Chairman Wayne Havers revealed himself to be an alien from a nearby galaxy sent to cultivate "human stock".

"Our business plan has been simple," Havers announced to the 15-member board and assembled members of the press at its quarterly meeting in Oak Brook. "Develop a means of rapidly fattening a portion of the human population for a continued multi-generational harvest for overlords on their way to rule your miserable planet."

"We felt that the current appeal of corporate honesty and the continued infatuation with the stock market made this the prime time for being open with our stockholders and customers."

Wall Street Journal analyst Richard Nelson commented, "The media are looking harder than ever for corporate dishonesty - seeking to break the next Enron scandal. McDonald's saved face today by revealing itself rather than letting their secrets be uncovered. At the same time, their brilliant strategy makes them a even stronger player."

Trading firm Myers-Ackley-Jones changed McDonald's recommendation from "Hold" to "Strong Buy" on the news - a move that was followed by several other firms. This turn-about came after several weeks of falling prices due to consumer lawsuits against fast food chains.

McDonald's stockholders approved of the announcement of the company's imminent dominion over humankind. Nicholas Guarini held no doubts. "I mean, sure, it was a shock. But I think my shares are just going to keep going up. Especially when those overlords arrive to take over."

AP reporter Janis Friedman asked Havers, "What makes you think this revelation won't result in lower sales?" Havers responded, "Our strategy combines the use of addictive additives and compulsive advertising. Your puny human brains cannot resist."

Havers proceeded to remove Friedman's head with giant horizontal mandibles, much like an insect's, and devoured her on the spot.
McDonald's customers seemed unfazed by the news. At a Los Angeles McDonald's, businesswoman Gayle Ming ate her morning McGriddle sandwich, which she says is her near-daily routine. "It's not like we don't know it's not healthy for us," said Ming. "Besides, they have every right to pursue their own success. This is America, you know."

Shares of key competitor, Yum! Brands, Inc. (owners of KFC, Taco Bell, and others), also rose on hints of similar forthcoming announcements.

From http://www.bbspot.com/News/2003/08/mcdonalds.html

Slims · 08-23-2003, 02:25 PM

Makes sense to me. Thanks.

08-23-2003, 08:51 AM	#1 (permalink)
RoadRage Stay off the sidewalk! Location: Oklahoma City, OK	McDonald's Corporate Strategy Revealed To Be Work Of Aliens Business News Thursday,_ August 21 12:01 AM EDT McDonald's Corporate Strategy Revealed To Be Work Of Aliens By Barry Mitchell Oak Brook, IL - Shares of McDonald's Corporation soared today when new Chairman Wayne Havers revealed himself to be an alien from a nearby galaxy sent to cultivate "human stock". "Our business plan has been simple," Havers announced to the 15-member board and assembled members of the press at its quarterly meeting in Oak Brook. "Develop a means of rapidly fattening a portion of the human population for a continued multi-generational harvest for overlords on their way to rule your miserable planet." "We felt that the current appeal of corporate honesty and the continued infatuation with the stock market made this the prime time for being open with our stockholders and customers." Wall Street Journal analyst Richard Nelson commented, "The media are looking harder than ever for corporate dishonesty - seeking to break the next Enron scandal. McDonald's saved face today by revealing itself rather than letting their secrets be uncovered. At the same time, their brilliant strategy makes them a even stronger player." Trading firm Myers-Ackley-Jones changed McDonald's recommendation from "Hold" to "Strong Buy" on the news - a move that was followed by several other firms. This turn-about came after several weeks of falling prices due to consumer lawsuits against fast food chains. McDonald's stockholders approved of the announcement of the company's imminent dominion over humankind. Nicholas Guarini held no doubts. "I mean, sure, it was a shock. But I think my shares are just going to keep going up. Especially when those overlords arrive to take over." AP reporter Janis Friedman asked Havers, "What makes you think this revelation won't result in lower sales?" Havers responded, "Our strategy combines the use of addictive additives and compulsive advertising. Your puny human brains cannot resist." Havers proceeded to remove Friedman's head with giant horizontal mandibles, much like an insect's, and devoured her on the spot. McDonald's customers seemed unfazed by the news. At a Los Angeles McDonald's, businesswoman Gayle Ming ate her morning McGriddle sandwich, which she says is her near-daily routine. "It's not like we don't know it's not healthy for us," said Ming. "Besides, they have every right to pursue their own success. This is America, you know." Shares of key competitor, Yum! Brands, Inc. (owners of KFC, Taco Bell, and others), also rose on hints of similar forthcoming announcements. From http://www.bbspot.com/News/2003/08/mcdonalds.html __________________ Join TFP Team SETI 43K workunits complete, 34 members, more of each needed.

08-23-2003, 02:25 PM	#2 (permalink)
Slims Eccentric insomniac Location: North Carolina	Makes sense to me. Thanks. __________________ "Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill "All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence