wry1

DD, you need to ask yourself if you're doing another disservice to your husband? While he is coming across as a "cold fish", it may be that he has decided that there has to be one solid rock of consistency in the household where *Jim* is concerned.

Coming from my own personal experience with one of my Uncles - a 50-year-old alcoholic and layabout who also has, "...this sense of entitlement paired with a real lack of conscience for his actions." - I found that it was up to my mother and myself to take on those roles; Mom for her siblings and her own mother, while I did so for the next generation (who was still impacted by his actions at holiday get-togethers). It was the two of us who spent countless hours discussing, debating, wishing it was otherwise and finally it was I who really had to be the rock for my mother (and thereby everybody else).

I would say that yes, your husband really does not have a vested interest in Jim and that yes, his views regarding him will differ GREATLY from your own. However, as a man who has dated several women with children, I can honestly say that I have never entered into a committed relationship with any of them without the full realization that the children are a key component of just who these women are - and that loving the woman means loving the child.

Allow me to suggest that you and your husband sit down and discuss why your views differ. I find it truly hard to believe that your husband is as cold-hearted as that toward *Jim* as your post would lead me to think.....He would have to be of the "Cinderella's wicked stepmother" variety for that to be the case! Explain that this is tearing you up inside, and that from time to time your will is going to falter; you have known *Jim* every second of his life, and two decades of being in the Mother Role - as opposed to just being Mom (the title) is not something you can shrug off blithely.

I really do believe that you will be surprised to find that he not only understands your feelings about this, but also has taken the most difficult part (i.e.- the "rat bastard" role) on to spare you any greater pain than is to be had already.

You married your husband for a reason (and I have a hunch it was for more than just sticking with your actions - child or no child); I highly doubt you would still be married if there wasn't love there. Without love, there's no real example to set for *Chris*, is there?

Love your sons. But expect the grown-up ones (even if it's only physically and legally) to become adults.