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Wow, you do a really good job of writing like you are trying to convey. You have done a good job. It fooled me, I cant put my finger on it, but it reminded me of somone talking that had learned english Maybe 4 or 5 years ago. It seems to work well, I was beliving you were there also. I think the way you overexplain some things is what does it for me. I think it is very good.I like this style, much better than a lot of words in italics.
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And as she plays,
her sweet song of laughter
floats through the air
and warms my heart
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