Hello all!
It's been a long time since I've posted on these forums. Mainly it was because I thought the topics I'd raised had been exhausted. I'm a very self-aware person, and I know all the signs that I'm becoming depressed/exasperated/unfulfilled/dissatisfied/insert negative emotion here.
So, now, I have a new one
(Just musing...) It's funny, I'm one of life's happy people. If you were to ask anyone that knew me well, they'd say I was almost annoying energetic, positive, loyal, etc etc. I know this sounds like I'm blowing my own trumpet, but I am also aware of my many faults, which cancel the positive out
I can be possessive, impatient, disorganised and lazy.
There are hundreds of millions of people around the world who have all, or any combination of these traits, and many more besides. The point of my rambling is this...
Where has the curiosity gone?
This question may seem odd at first glance, but allow me to explain. I am an extremely curious person. I check the news at least twice a day. I'm on wikipedia at least once a day. If I don't know something, I'll Google it. Etc Etc. I hate not knowing things, and knowledge is power, after all. Why are so many people content to go about their business with no regard to what happens in the world around them? Or how to improve themselves? Or learn from others' experiences? I say this because it links in with what I have to say later, but this was the first thing that came to mind. My girlfriend has no curiosity whatsoever when it comes to anything remotely sexual, relationship-y or anything involving taboo.
At the moment I'm three weeks into an eight week course for being certified, and released, to fly a Boeing 737-800 for a major european airline. Again, you think, I'm blowing my own trumpet. I shall balance it out, by saying that I'm finding it absolutely impossible. It's by far the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm confident that I'll prevail in the long run, but it's lowered my emotional thresholds so far, that I've come to this board to vent my feelings once again.
Isn't it true of difficult things in life... Some people (myself included) will be brought down emotionally by something difficult until it is complete, and will suffer depression, lack of self-esteem, and many other negative emotions in the mean time, where they might be immune to it otherwise. These things I'm going through right now have lowered my threshold and I'm in a whirlwind of thoughts, desires, emotions, fears. Funnily enough; nothing to do with airlines, airliners or frigging standby hydraulic system power control units.
So why am I posting in the sexuality section?
Well, obviously, as I'm doing an intensive course I'm away from home. Home being where my girlfriend and I live. I've been away from her for relatively long extended periods before, but never when I've been doing something so intense. I hate it, it's really bringing me down, being away from her. All sorts of things are going through my head...should I get engaged to her before I found out that I'm going to be based in the deepest, darkest part of rural Lithuania, or Slovakia? Should I part ways with her so I can focus on my career? Shall I keep on as we are?
So anyway, that's the backstory. (You've probably guessed by now, this isn't going to be short...)
Some of you will remember the posts a few weeks ago. They're probably still on page 1 of this sub-forum. In them I mentioned a few things regarding fetishes, sexual desires, ways in which to suggest them to my girl.
The good/bad news (depending on what side of the fence you stand) is that these are things of the past. I no longer have these urges, and while now and again I'll masturbate to these mental images, it is not of paramount importance to me that I have these things in my life. I can't explain why this is, although I suspect it has something to do with the focus of my life is completely on something else right now.
Ok, let's assume this has been positive to my sex life, as my girlfriend is now more comfortable with me sexually, knowing that I don't want to dress her up in weird clothes and suchlike. (I wonder if she's forgotten?!) I am experiencing less and less desire for her sexually. This is literally the most devastating thing I have ever experienced while with her. While my libido and sex drive generally has not changed one iota, it is no longer directed at her. And the weirdest thing is, it's not directed at anyone/anything else either. I don't ever/have never felt the urge to stray and find someone else, and I don't have fantasies about other women or anything like that. When I masturbate, I'm thinking about her and not the 99,466 girls I've just watched in some random porno. I don't have any crushes, no-one that I 'fancy'.
But, when I go home for the weekends, I'm raging with sexual desire, but I'm almost 100% indifferent as to whether or not we sleep together. This is very strange. Could anyone shed any light on what this could possibly be?
At this point let me just say that she is the perfect woman/girl for me. She saves me from myself, she is so compatible with me it's almost scary. Our sex is good, and it satisfies me 85-90%. It's that last bloody 10%. I should feel lucky with what I have because she truly is amazing. However, human beings ALWAYS want what they can't have.
And, finally, this is where the curiosity comes in. She has no curiosity regarding sex. Although this wouldn't bother me normally, because the rest of our relationship is very sound, this is a really glaring omission. Why have a brilliant relationship when you can have a perfect one?!
She never asks me what I like. She never tells me what she likes. She never initiates. It always has to be on her terms. It has to be 10.30pm+. It has to be the same positions, same routine. (I'm fucking 21 years old!!!! Shouldn't I be dripping with sweat and content with the world everytime I have sex?!) *ahem* I feel like an old married couple. And while the sex is actually very good, as I said, it's so annoying that I just can't extend it to 100%. If you could, why wouldn't you? And THIS is what I'm talking about with curiosity. I said to her the other day, 'Don't you want to find out what we both like, incorporate it so it enhances both of our sex lives? If you want something, why not ask for it?'. And she did the worst possible thing she could have ever done. She just shrugged her shoulders and said 'but I like it the way it is'. I literally shat a brick. If she's like this when I'm 21, what'll it be like when I'm 41/51 etc????????
This might sound like I'm overreacting. But let me furnish this with some details. The routine = 30-45 mins foreplay (caressing, nipple licking, fingering and clit stimulation), followed by 30-60 mins of missionary or 'off the side of the bed' (don't know what the name of that position is...). That's it. That's all it ever is. Ever. Ever. Let me re-iterate. I'm 21. No sex in the car anymore, never during the day, she has to have been in the shower no more than an hour before....etc. She doesn't have OCD, and the funny thing is she used to be a bit more wild. She *suggested* anal about 3 weeks after we'd first gotten together. I literally nearly came in my pants when she suggested that. It wasn't so much about the anal but about the fact she had the werewithall to come out and say that. We haven't done anal for maybe....18 months? And she told me she would never do it, ever again, even on our wedding night. (I'm not that into anal, but it's the principle). The other day I suggested she go on top during sex because I like to look at her and feel her boobs etc, and she literally rolled her eyes and said 'great, what a joy' very sarcastically. How great did that make me feel! Needless to say we simply defaulted to our standard position. Depressing.
And I don't *think* it's my fault. That sounds arrogant and complacent, but I really do try at sex, I never have performance issues and I ALWAYS put her needs before mine. She will orgasm 99.99999% of the times we have sex. Only once though, and only through manual clit stimulation. Even after an hour she won't be anywhere near coming a second time. (Anyone got any tips for inducing vaginal orgasm?! That might spice things up a bit.......!!!!!!) And don't think this lack of variety is because I'm not suggesting things. As you can see from my previous posts, I am.
It's almost as if her body is telling her yes, but her mind is telling her no (see what I did there?!
) .
So; how to get her mind to say yes? To open up? To WANT to suggest new things that she thinks she might like? To WANT to improve?!
As you may have read previously, I would love to buy and use a vibrator with her. But she's not interested in actually getting one, even though she brought up the subject?! (which was a huge departure in itself). What women *wouldn't* want a to get a vibrator and use it to improve sex?
I just don't understand the lack of curiosity, and it's starting to do my head in.
Lastly, I've absolutely trawled the interwebs to find people's thoughts in similar situations. The most common response is 'talk to her, tell her what you want, etc'. This is another issue. Why do I feel such a perv for bringing it up? Please tell me I shouldn't feel like that?!
Another thing people suggest is 'cook her dinner, buy her flowers' etc. Well guess what happens if you try and do that. She says 'you're only being so nice because you want to ask me if we can try something/fuck me/you only care about sex/you're only being nice because you want something'. Depressing.
Summary:
How to get her to be curious about sex, and not afraid to suggest/ask for things?
How to re-direct my sexual desire towards her?
How to reassure myself that if it's like this at 21, what it's going to be like in 30, hell, 5 years time when we're married and she doesn't have to make an effort? (And that''s what it feels like she's doing. Making an effort. Not simply doing it for the enjoyment of it).
It's funny isn't it, I know this is probably the wrong place to be asking this question, but guys, if your significant other asked you something along the lines of 'will you let me do you up the ass and then I want you to suck your own shit off the strap on I'd just been doing you with'. Personally, I would stop at almost nothing if it got the other person off/ made them happy. I don't see the feeling is mutual with my girlfriend. So, am I being too demanding or is there sexual incompatibility? Obviously this is an extreme example but it serves a point.
Phew. Thanks for reading, if you've managed to get this far! But I feel better not having vented all this shit off and now I can get back to focusing on whether the DC Switched battery bus powers the standby rudder system or not.