Hi Midnightskyline
Thanks for the update.
Sounds to me that she's got a sharp, and possibly emotionally intense divide between 'only fantasy' and 'could do', and that you talking about yours triggers it. Nighty-to-PJ, and 'Shirts???? Noooo!'-to-'I'll get some shirts' tends, imo, to confirm this. If 'talking about things like that' is only OK when she starts it, well that is not 'mutual relationship', but it's an interesting start. For now, go with it and see what happens when, if she starts it, you release Your cards on the table.
Why? Well, on the one hand she IS controlling, and advice to get out of the relationship does make sense to me. At the same time, you are asserting, not for the first time, that you and she can get along and you're obviously seeking to try to make it work. But might this mean 'only ever on her terms'? If so, then RUN - 'Run for the hills'. On the other hand, might she having difficulty transitioning to mutal and long-term relationship and INTENDING to find mutuality, albeit bloody clumsily? Well, people change and develop, and that's where your being understanding and patient, as you are proposing to be, could be an important part of a solution. However, if you're going on this latter course, then please please find out: What are your thresholds? And what do you need to know in order to respect them and act on them? What are you willing to 'put up with' and for how long?'
Concerning your having seen a psychotherapist: Well done - since you've comitted to work through this in the company of a 'support group', you're obviously going for balance, rather than just acting out your intuitions and drives. I reckon a therapist is a great addition to your team, and that if the one you saw did not help you beyond giving another viewpoint, look for another. You mention that WE are cheaper, and I'll put it to you that we are doing a different job than a therapist: because we're not getting paid, we have no professional obligation to you. Furthermore, we are anonymous, or at least not fully referenced for you, and you do not know the background to perspectives we offer:
eg 1: My 'background': It is biassed. It is based on the premise "people can learn to get along if they work at it". Fine and dandy in principle, BUT if you need to 'RUN NOW!' then my input risks doing you a disservice by slowing that withdrawal, because, restricted to text as I am, there are massive gaps in information, lots of room for doubt and my premise, leans me toward 'When in doubt, keep trying' rather than 'When in doubt, withdraw'. Whereas, if I were in the room with you, I could adjust to your immediate responses and fit my own to a much more precise picture of where you and your directions and options.
eg 2: Mystery background - The 'Purple Pillow' is described as being about communication, but you were not addressed directly, and it was not presented in a way you could immediately use. Also conditions were set on whether it would be described further.
eg 3: 'Forum background' loads the dice too: you have determined seperate threads, and this, being a forum, responses may indicate connections but will tend to remain 'on topic' as you have set it. As ChineseCrested points out, there are strong links between this and your 'Looked at her computer' topic. Taken together, they provide dimension - each containing, IMO, background to the other, but potentially becoming an 'unwieldy whole' if limited to a 'topic-based' text format.
I do recommend that you remain open to the the possible value of a 'neutral' person sitting in a chair with you, or on the phone, who can take account of your moment to moment responses.
Have a look at this thread I started a while ago:
http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/tilted-...therapist.html
As I re-read it, I reckon it is developing, slowly and firmly, into a robust knowledge base for people seeking to apply quality-control. It could be useful to you; and your experience, if you choose to share it, with the therapist you visited, could be useful to others.
Best wishes