Hi Midnightskyline
I'm male. Thank you for 'sticking to a plan' for two weeks. Even though you wound yourself up about it, you went well beyond the week: you succeeded for twice as long, and, as is obvious from your recent post, are continuing to do so. From the way you wrote, I did suspect that you might have stronger will than you thought, so I am not surprised you were actually able to go the extra mile. I'd like to put it to you that you are keeping your head above water in spite of strong currents, and that your will is operating far more strongly than you feel.
I know you know you've reached dry land yet, but I appreciate the humour you've directed at yourself as you're working through this: "I haven't kept anything of that order, so why would she? She's her own person?! No Way. Lol."
It reminds me of the ironic Rex Harrison moment in My Fair Lady "Why can't a Woman ... be more like ME"
We place ourselves as the Pole Star and Measure of what's reasonable - and are surprised by the world
I also appreciate that you've clarified your position to the possibility of opening the following conversation with her:
Quote:
"Darling?"
"Yes?"
"I was on your computer, going through your email, because you had not logged out, and almost all of it was fine, but there were a few emails, which referred to your past sexual history, and I Sooooooo wish I hadn't seen THEM. Don't get me wrong ... the others were all OK, in fact, if it had just been them, I'd have been able to let the matter drop, and you'd have never known I'd been through your stuff. Unfortunately, however, I DID see them, and Sweetheart, it did hurt a little to think that I didn't scratch that itch for you completely.
Now I'm not accusing you of anything, and I don't want to make you feel like a whore - the only thing I want is to not have seen them in the first place, but I did, and I've got a question for you: "How can you help me to forget it? I need you to help me forget it."
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I have stuck closely to your words, and I have embellished only to 'amplify' them.
Let's walk straight past the 'You shouldn't have been going through her stuff in the first place' - from your first post you have been solid on that, and I reckon you've already learnt your lesson from that: it put you in an impossible situation regardless of emails' content, therefore, Never Again
Let's visit with these two core elements you identified, and which are possible seeds for solutions beyond your expectations:
Her keeping the emails = 'you didn't scratch that itch for her completely'
If you tell her you saw them => she can help you forget it
See how you can grow and nourish them:
Her keeping emails can mean [=] other than only what you guessed. Eg YOU are the one she's chosen to be with more permanently = you ARE scratching her most complete itch. They are the ones she DIDN'T stay with. Another EG could be NOT about YOU At All: keeping them could be about HER and her way of tracking continuity and progress in her life. Ther are further examples which I need YOU to generate this week, because you know yourself longer and better than I do.
Conversely, if she was NOT keeping emails, it wouldn't necessarily mean that everything is hunky dory and you DO scratch that itch for her, and when you remember your own Prolific Pageant of Partners in Promiscuity, do you conclude that your present girlfriend leaves absolutely NO itch of YOURS UNscratched? Are there not more itches she could scratch if you let her know? And is it not more productive and possibly more fun to wonder how you may BETTER scratch her itches?
I mean, rightly or wrongly, you've concluded that you 'didn't scratch that itch for her completely', haven't you? - could you not have worried about that possibility anyway? I mean - you're good at doing low-self esteem even before you look at her computer ... so if you're ACHING - ITCHING to have conversations, why not SCRATCH a lot deeper than recent 'surfaces'? Just imagine saying something like:
Quote:
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"Darling, These last three weeks, I have been going through my OWN memory, and I have found this stuff ... these low self-esteem feelings inside me and wish I hadn't. I am not accusing you of being uncommunicative or wanting you to feel like you have been complacent - just the opposite ... I love you and I want to love you best I can, and to scratch your itches as completely as possible. Reassurance would be VERY welcome - lol - but more than that what might you like me to do even better or differently? Maybe stuff you've not even thought to ask me?"
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The above possiblility is NOT intended to become part of a scenario leading to the revelation - er ... just imagine adding to her:
Quote:
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"Oh and I got to thinking this way because I'd been going through all your stuff, freaked myself out, chatted with a group of people on the internet and realised that improving the quality of our relationship was more important than sharing my insecurity with you about all that stuff you had written"
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then cringe, duck and cover ... and NO.
... Because all this is about focussing both your attentions on the core marked out previously:
Her keeping the emails = 'you didn't scratch that itch for her completely'
If you tell her you saw them => she can help you forget it
And to offer what I hope is one respectful transformation:
You are worried <= you might not be scratching that itch for her completely
If you tell her this = she can, if she chooses, give you some reassurance and also provide some specific areas for improvement
Well, Midnightskyline, I'm nearly done for now, so imagine it's next week and you've been sorting through this for another week, and your general esteem and itch-scratching concerns with her are more fully 'in process', whether improving or just in realistic directions for improvement as you've been thoroughly thinking through. How less difficult do you feel now to quietly make sense to begin to finally get past the 'looking through her stuff' stuff, and more fully into your shared stuff between each and both of you?
Take care.