zenda

I've read the above responses. I support the idea that you simply say "No". NOT in a blunt way ... Do be very polite. If you are OK with "I'm very sorry, but 'no' ", then go for that. "I'm sorry, but I Can't" may be better phrasing than "I'm sorry, but I Won't". Saying 'No' from the outset is easier than saying 'Yes' a few times and then going to 'No', so I reckon you're doing the right thing to be thinking this through at this early stage.

Make sure that you do NOT give practical reasons. Stick with "I'm very sorry, but it is just impossible " ... "I'm sorry, but it's not appropriate to discuss it" ... etc. Reasons are simply a way of rendering you 'answerable' to counter-reasons. If you give reasons, you risk being 'understood' as if you had said "I would, except for this reason" The unspoken rule is that if you give a reason for 'no', and the other person gives a good counter-reason, then you should do it or you have been unfair or misleading the other person.


A general frame which could be useful is "I know you as part of a Group of friends. One day, you might become a Personal friend of mine, at which time I might be in a position to consider requests. When I am outside the group, I am a very private person." The 'claim to privacy' can also support an attitude of not giving reasons.

Now, you've mentioned that he has temper fits. Can you discuss these with the other members of your group of friends? Is it his ability to get people frightened which enables him to 'have his own way'? It would be interesting to know if you are the only one in the group who feels the way you do. Is he somebody you feel safe with [at home, or as passenger in your car]? Are you better to limit contact with him to public places or to when at least one other of your group of friends is present?

Those are my initial thoughts on the matter. I'll follow this thread

__________________
ZENDA