Wyvers

Hmm where to begin… We always ask this question and end up starting at the beginning heh. This is going to be a long one so if you don’t want to read it no worries. Excuse my grammar and scrambled thoughts. I've been around tfp for a bit mostly lurking and learning from other's experiences. Just something compels me to post this.

A lot of background:
Quite a few years ago when I was in high school, I didn’t really fit in with the crowd there locally but I did spend most of my time with a group of friends who lived in SF. It still boggles me how I ended up meeting them through a string of mutual friends and we ended up clicking. I would drag my feet through school, maintaining respectful social connections with a few friends at my high school but nothing as close to what I consider true friends. After school and weekends I would spend every chance I could in SF. New found freedom with your own car, toll and gas being a joke it was easy for me to commute 20-30 miles to hang out with good friends.

Raves were still cool back then, some argue they still are but that’s another discussion. In this circle of friends they all came from wealthy backgrounds and had quite a bit of influence with event organizers. I guess that was part of the allure for me. I was and introvert, and to this day I still am to a certain extent. They were able to get drinks, drugs, walk into a 21+ crowd without a problem. Yet they were all down to earth and very accepting of me. There wasn’t a struggle for status within our group, no one to impress or offend with bad jokes. I loved this circle of friends because they did what I felt was amazingly cool back then. They broke me out of my shell with a little liquid courage and I felt like I could seriously trust all of them with my life. We all excelled academically well so our parents could’ve cared less and they enjoyed a social life any nerd like me would be envious of. I probably couldn’t have asked for anything more.

Being 15-16 at the time arguably there is a sense of invincibility, curiosity, and experimentation. In this period of time I’m pretty sure I’ve tried a good number of drugs I short of anything requiring needles. Our logic was you had to try it atleast once and for the majority once was all I had. There was a lot of paranoia, and general lack of fun unlike alcohol or ecstasy for me. A bad xtc tablet, which was supposedly laced with acid, was probably the worst feeling of paranoia I ever had. I felt coke was pretty cool but waking up in a pool of your own blood from a very bad nosebleed has left a pretty vivid red flag forever embedded in my mind.

Anyway, there was a girl who I started to have strong feelings for within my circle of friends. Lets call her Kate. No idea why I just picked Kate but it was the name that came to mind. Kate ended up becoming the love of my life at the time. We did the sappy stuff and she taught me the ropes to quite a few things. She was a year older, much more mature, thoughtful, beautiful, extremely patient and forgiving. I would ask myself from time to time how the hell she had come to be my girlfriend. Now that I think about it, at the time everyone in our circle of friends started to date within the group, if not they brought their significant others into our group. It was amazing. I was doing decent in school, partied, did what college kids did, and had a girlfriend. I was a walking zombie at my high school, had a few chill friends and then I had this amazing other part of my life across the bay bridge and everyday I looked forward to it. My grades took a dip and this alarmed my parents greatly but I didn’t really care.

I think that’s a fair amount of background. If you’re still reading it means lot. On Cinco De Mayo around nine years ago there of course was quite a large underground rave. It’s a weekend that has forever haunted me to this day. Honestly, I’ve been replaying parts of that night and sometimes things look different or things don’t quite make sense in my mind. Maybe it’s because it’s been nine years but I wasn’t exactly completely sober that night either. From what I recall and pieces my other friends have pieced together is that we were lucky enough to get a private corner at this rave with a lounge area. It was rare to see or even have of these and I remember certain parts of this night very vividly. A few friends and me were talking about cars specifically an Integra my friend had just picked up. Where I was sitting my back was towards the crowd of dancers maybe 15 feet away I remember trying to be cool with my right arm draped over the top of a faux leather lounge couch. I could feel the condensation of an iced vodka and lime drink with the glass slightly tilted in my right hand. We had vowed to stop taking drugs of any kind from that night on. We all had a tablet of xtc and that was it. I don’t remember the song playing and the sounds just seem jumbled in my mind at this time. My friends are all seated in this semi circle area with drinks in their hands as well or on a plastic table at their feet.

Kate excuses herself from the conversation and tries to drag me towards the dance floor behind us and I refused. I remember her asking if anyone else would join her and no one wanted to so she pouted and said she would go alone. If no one wanted to have fun at the very least she would. We went back to talking about cars and my memory blurs again at this point till Kate comes back to the group picks up her red colored drink, takes a sip, and again tries to pull me off the couch. I remember telling her No I don’t want to, not tonight. Another guy, who’s face I can no longer piece together, leans over the lounge from behind and screams over the music that he’ll dance with the lady if I refuse to. Kate ignores him and gives one last attempt to pull me off the lounge to join her. I again refuse, so she takes her drink with her and disappears into the crowd behind us dancing.

At this time the conversation between my friends were just poking fun at each other or just joking around. I have no idea how much time has passed but I remember my buddy sitting across from me points into the crowd behind me. I look back and notice a large group in the crowd just standing in a clump, not moving and just looking. I could’ve cared less at the time and I tried to continue the conversation somehow but my friend to the left insisted we check it out. She tries to pull me off the couch and this time I do get up. We walked towards this group of people just staring and the group is getting larger. I remember at first seeing what I thought was a knee but it was actually an elbow as I got closer. There lying on the ground was Kate. Everyone was just looking and I stood there for too long before screaming at Kate to wake up and if everything was okay. I remember watching her chest move so I thought it was okay, she was breathing but why the hell isn’t anyone calling 911.

I don’t remember too many details at this point but from what I was told an ambulance came to the rave and picked her up. I don’t remember how we got to the hospital but my friend mentioned we took the cab. I have glimpses of this large built man holding my friend down pinned against the wall and another equally large guy pushing me back at the hospital. Then the next memory we have is a few of us sitting in a waiting area and there was some infomercial playing claiming if you made a call now you’d make one less payment. I remember a few police officers showing up and speaking with some hospital staff and then Kate’s parents showing up and screaming at my friends and me. Here the officers and security escorted us out. We were clearly not welcome. I then remember sitting on the floor with my back against this large plush teddy bear you win at Great America and the room was silent. My friends were just quiet. No one was talking. It felt cold in that room. Then my friend just breaks into tears and I lose it, breaking down into tears as well. Obscenities start to fly and the very friends who I felt nothing could come between us, nothing could turn us against one another start to make accusations. The room instantly felt like a sauna. Fingers were being pointed at me and everyone was enraged at me. All I remember at this time was saying, it’s my fault, I should’ve just said yes and gone out with her into that crowd.

From what we know Kate had a bad reaction with something she ingested with alcohol causing a heart attack. She was declared dead on the ambulance ride to the hospital. Sometimes I wish I knew more, other times I feel it may have been part of my punishment. Kate’s parents are quite influential and were able to keep everything hush. Her parents being very traditional and extremely strict with no control over a daughter out drinking, using drugs, sexually active at her age was too shameful for anyone to know. To my knowledge her remains were cremated but where they are now I have no clue, one idea is maybe mainland China.

In the circle of friends that Sunday morning would be the last time I ever saw some of them. I don’t think most of them live in sf anymore. The two who I have somewhat of an idea where they are don’t speak to me at all. I remember for a few years some of us would meetup and the air would just weigh a ton and I don’t think there will ever be such awkward and uncomfortable moments in my life. When a few of us would meet up on may 5th it would never end well. Each time it would end with me just speed walking away being shunned. When I came back from my first year of college everyone had just disappeared, disconnected numbers, new families living in their homes. I don’t know what kept me coming back to these old friends but I remember thinking to myself these were the only friends I’ve ever had.

I’m looking back now and these memories come back in floods and it’s really changed a big part of me. I have no ill feelings towards my friends who are no longer around. I truly wish them the best of luck. For myself I got over the feeling of being guilty and responsible but there is this sinking feeling that I still feel for whatever reason. I honestly want to get over them. I have had a few somewhat serious relationships since but no one really knew the full story if any at all. I remember meeting my mentor maybe 4 years ago and for whatever reason I decided to tell him. I was hoping for this huge boulder to be lifted off my shoulder but damn it was still there. There was this quote that said the pain never really goes away you just get stronger and hopefully that’s true. I don’t think I need to seek professional help, mostly the manly part of me is telling me therapy is for pansies but I feel I could let this affect me much more than it has. It’s just this sinking feeling I can’t get rid of but I guess there’s that hope if I share this again maybe it’ll get lighter.

I had advice I wanted to ask but after typing this all out I can’t quite remember what it was. Although any insight would be awesome, I’m not here looking for condolences. This just seems to be a part of my life that has been haunting me for so long that I want to just move on but it’s such a significant part of me I don’t want to forget. I made life long friends since then and they’re healthy and encouraging people. People I could entrust my life to and friends I see who would never turn on each other or let anything coming between us. Sometimes we look at each other and in the back of my mind I’m holding back this huge secret of our past. Not that it would change the relationships I’ve built but I don’t think they would need to know right? I look forward to the day where I’m able to laugh about a memory I’ve had with Kate. Hey seus this post is going to be long and it’s late. I just hope it’s not something I’ll regret throwing online in the morning.