There are no clear and set rules for fetishes. There are basic understandings and guidelines, but I would say plan is right in that everyone has their own definition of what is involved in a fetish.
I love collars, I love to wear one and have it tight around my neck. Does this mean I am collared? No, I most certainly am not. Does this mean I shouldn't be allowed to wear one if I so choose, for fear that I will be called a poser... I don't think it should.
And like you said, there are thousands of fetishes on fetlife. People are making up new ones everyday. There are "mainstream" (so to say) ones that are listed in the "List of Fetishes" but if you do a quick search for something like gir, you will find a few groups and fetishes for liking gir.
Fetish parties are very much like the fetishes themselves, open for interpretation and should be allowed to be enjoyed by all in their own way. Also, like fetishes, you can determine if you want to try a party/group again after going or you can choose to find a new venue.
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Frivolity, at the edge of a Moral Swamp, hears Hymn-Singing in the Distance and dons the Galoshes of Remorse. ~Edward Gorey
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