Thread: I hate my dad
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Old 01-28-2011, 05:36 AM   #8 (permalink)
zenda
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Location: London, England
Quote:
Originally Posted by -mia View Post
thankyou all very much. i think the thing i needed most was outside viewpoints. ill be taking it one day at a time. i feel better thankyou and goodluck with your journeys.
Hi Mia

Yup ... good way to go. That 'one day at a time' makes sense, because you've got a foundation of being 'civil and understanding'. The fact that you can do that means you have the skills to remain civil and understanding when he, hopefully, does stuff which is different from abuse. How his changing, day to day, manifests, will give you something different to be civil and understanding about. You will be getting more information about not only his changing but also your responses. Some things you will expect and some will be a surprise.


Now for an idiosyncratic position from me and my way of looking at the world: Forget about trying to forgive him. Remain civil and understanding, and defer ANY thoughts about forgiveness until later, if ever.

The idea: 'He'll have more chance of changing for the better IF I forgive him' is as unrealistic as 'If I'm civil and understanding to him, he might behave LESS like an asshole - let's try to not provoke him.' Assholes are experts at making like Their assholery is Somebody Else's Fault. "Ya shouldn'ta provoked me. Now look you made me do"

I'll generate a sick negative scenario: He goes to therapy ... that goes on his court record as counting in his favour "the prisoner in the dock is truly sorry and promises to go to anger management and therapy - the court will therefore be lenient." He does a bit of therapy ... he comes off the wagon and behaves like an asshole AGAIN but THIS time ... you are not only responsible for having provoked him ... you're responsible for his being in more trouble with the police.

Mia .... this stuff I'm labelling as 'My Idiosyncratic view' might NOT apply in the case of you and Your father. I read your post from out of the blue, and what it had was ENOUGH points of identity for me to match it to the all-too-common kind of family situation and scenario I have just described. And for me to emphasize the following: Given that your way is to be civil and understanding THEN go ahead and double-check that you have removed from yourself all and any sense of responsibility for triggering either for his assholery, OR his cure. You are already being civil and understanding. That is enough. That is more than he deserves - yet it is giving him a good example and a level basis on which to make whatever changes he needs to make. You are already doing the right thing. Carry on the way you are.

Later, AFTER he shows some consistent changes for the better, you may begin to wonder whether you father is becoming a Reformed Asshole ... an Asshole In Remission.
Then, if forgiveness is still of any importance to you whatsoever, you may begin to examine it on its own account rather than as an instrument of his recovery.

Very best wishes to you, and thank you for the good wishes you have extended to all.
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