-mia

so my father is an abusive alcoholic asshole. what a pathetic cliche. about three weeks ago he took things too far and the police got involved. I haven't seen him since. hes going to court tomorrow and he will most likely be coming home. hes getting help (therapist, anger management and rehab) I'm scared that all of a sudden he's going to be different. he'll be someone i dont even know. don't get me wrong i want him to get the help he needs and change, but im worried that im too bitter to let it all go. im worried ill be detrimental to his getting better because i wont be able to go along with it. im worried hes going to act like we're a happy family all of a sudden. my plan is to be as ive always tried to be civil and understanding but i cant be anything more than that. knowing him hell take it personally adn itll go wrong.
forgiving him is the hardest thing ive ever tried doing, its not just mental for me. it feels like the hardest thing ill ever have to do. i keep making silly excuses to justify it but i just cant let go.
what should i do? or just some advice, just something.

Craven Morehead

Is family counseling available?

GreyWolf

I feel so sorry for you. You are in an awful situation through no fault of your own. But if you truly want your father to be able to change and recover from his addiction, then you cannot draw away from him. He needs your support and love. It may be one of the hardest things you ever do in life, but it may well bring you rewards you cannot imagine.

As a recovering alcoholic, and the son of a non-abusive alcoholic, I know how hard it can be for your father, and how alcohol can affect a family. Try Al-Anon. It is a wonderful organisation, and the support it will give you will be invaluable in your life, no matter what your relationship with your father is/becomes.

Good luck, and try facing this one day at a time... it usually makes things easier.

__________________
The secret to great marksmanship is deciding what the target was AFTER you've shot.

mixedmedia

When we face things bravely and with an open mind, we often find that we have strength we never knew we possessed.

Like Greywolf said, one day at a time. Just like your father can't change overnight, neither can you.

Good luck.

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

Grasshopper Green

mia, I feel your pain. I am going through something very similar right now, but with my husband's mother. Hate is not a pleasant emotion and I'm finding it's very draining. Counseling is not in my budget, but hopefully you can swing it. I don't have any words of advice, but if you would like someone to talk to, feel free to PM me.

My mother is an alcoholic and it took me a long time to move past the terrible things that happened in my childhood, but I did manage to move past them. I never had formal counseling, just talking about it with friends, relatives, and my husband, but my informal sessions were very helpful.

I noticed you mentioned being civil. I think that's a good place to start - ugliness doesn't help and will most likely only make things worse. Good luck.

__________________
"They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king"

Formerly Medusa

-mia

thankyou all very much. i think the thing i needed most was outside viewpoints. ill be taking it one day at a time. i feel better thankyou and goodluck with your journeys.

Zeraph

How old are you?

I hate my stepdad. I hate my grandfather. Welcome to the club, it sucks.

zenda

Hi Mia

Yup ... good way to go. That 'one day at a time' makes sense, because you've got a foundation of being 'civil and understanding'. The fact that you can do that means you have the skills to remain civil and understanding when he, hopefully, does stuff which is different from abuse. How his changing, day to day, manifests, will give you something different to be civil and understanding about. You will be getting more information about not only his changing but also your responses. Some things you will expect and some will be a surprise.


Now for an idiosyncratic position from me and my way of looking at the world: Forget about trying to forgive him. Remain civil and understanding, and defer ANY thoughts about forgiveness until later, if ever.

The idea: 'He'll have more chance of changing for the better IF I forgive him' is as unrealistic as 'If I'm civil and understanding to him, he might behave LESS like an asshole - let's try to not provoke him.' Assholes are experts at making like Their assholery is Somebody Else's Fault. "Ya shouldn'ta provoked me. Now look you made me do"

I'll generate a sick negative scenario: He goes to therapy ... that goes on his court record as counting in his favour "the prisoner in the dock is truly sorry and promises to go to anger management and therapy - the court will therefore be lenient." He does a bit of therapy ... he comes off the wagon and behaves like an asshole AGAIN but THIS time ... you are not only responsible for having provoked him ... you're responsible for his being in more trouble with the police.

Mia .... this stuff I'm labelling as 'My Idiosyncratic view' might NOT apply in the case of you and Your father. I read your post from out of the blue, and what it had was ENOUGH points of identity for me to match it to the all-too-common kind of family situation and scenario I have just described. And for me to emphasize the following: Given that your way is to be civil and understanding THEN go ahead and double-check that you have removed from yourself all and any sense of responsibility for triggering either for his assholery, OR his cure. You are already being civil and understanding. That is enough. That is more than he deserves - yet it is giving him a good example and a level basis on which to make whatever changes he needs to make. You are already doing the right thing. Carry on the way you are.

Later, AFTER he shows some consistent changes for the better, you may begin to wonder whether you father is becoming a Reformed Asshole ... an Asshole In Remission.
Then, if forgiveness is still of any importance to you whatsoever, you may begin to examine it on its own account rather than as an instrument of his recovery.

Very best wishes to you, and thank you for the good wishes you have extended to all.

__________________
ZENDA

-mia

zeraph im 19

zenda I agree with you, we just need to be able to live together untill i get on in my life. I wouldn't want either of us to cause anymore pain in my family. It's just that I'm really sensitive and i feel like i get inappropriately happy or sad. Im an all or nothing person i can't really help it. I just want to totally remove myself emotionally from the situation somehow. Thinking back he'd be the nicest person and i'd let my guard down again only to be hurt over and over untill i couldn't anymore. I did shut myself off. now he's going to come here and get upset when i have nothing to give. or im going to feel ok with him again or even good and hes going to hurt me like that. i know everyone has bad days i know hes not going to be good all the time. im not really expecting an answer just me being able to say this and is good enough for me thankyou

TheCrimsonGhost

join the crowd, welcome, and such