Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - What is the craziest or funniest mix up you have ever had at a doctor's office?

zenda · 01-08-2011, 11:22 PM

My first prostate exam. Unplugged.

I'd visited my doctor to get feedback on a sleep-study test she had organized. I mentioned in passing that I was at the age where Prostate exams seem to be supposed to be happening and what should I do to arrange one.

I did not expect her reply: " ......... Pants ........... Couch .......... Now ......"
I was suddenly in a spin

" ......... Pants ........... Couch .......... Now ......"
I was, however, the one who'd brought up the subject.

So Pants/Couch/Now. OK.
She drew a modesty curtain round the couch "I'll come in when you are ready" ... and I was alone with My PantsCouchNow thoughts. Ringing round my head, they were ... PantsCouchNow!

Pants ...... Pants off. OK. And ... Well, I suppose I better clamber on that Couch ... erm .. ?? ... hmmmm ...... well ... All Fours and Bottoms Up? I suppose so. Yup. Nowww. So my pants were on the floor and my T shirt was pulled up over my shoulder blades.
I decided I needed a stable base, because it would be SO ... wrong ... if I were wiggling when she did her work. Therefore I pushed my face into the pillow, braced my elbows and knees stiffly and arched my back. I was a statue.

Well, eventually I heard the swish of the curtain behind me, then a gasp. I turned my head to look at her over my shoulder, and smiled.

She turned away and went into a kind of dancing coughing fit.

By the way ... I'm English, and therefore trained in the way of Ruddy Hard Kipling: "If you can keep your head when all about are losing theirs." I felt I had to do something, so I said in my best modulated voice "I am ready for you now, Doctor"

The coughing fit got worse, her hands and forearm obscured her entire face, but she approached. Her voice, broken and kind of ... kind of yelping .... and shaky. "I said I want you .... to ...... Lie on your SIDE"

I had not heard that the first time ... I had only ever caught "PantsCouchNow" .. and I sure as merry heck did not hear it this second time, because my earlier Internal Chant had been replaced by [dalek]I am READY for the DOCTOR.[/dalek]
I thought she'd said something like "I'm by your side." - some reassuring bedside-manner thing.

I might as well have been Deaf. I just nodded.
She took matters into her own hands and pushed with her full weight against the side of my ass with intent to tip me over.
I made a sheep-on-the-edge-of-the-cliff sound and pushed hard against her because I did not know what she wanted and I was trying to keep my balance. She doubled her efforts, and I collapsed out of my 'crouching-tiger unhidden-butt' position too quickly for her to retain her balance. She sprawled on top of me.

Within two seconds each of us regained positions more appropriate for a professional relationship. In a halting voice, she said I needn't have taken my pants all the way off and that she wanted me on my side. That was my moment of Dawning Awareness and heartfelt 'Oops.' I choked back my OMG and apologised graciously with "I'm SO sorry ... heck you opened the curtains and ... ah ... I can just imagine what you must have seen .. I'm SO sor..." .. And that set her off again. Indeed, we both yelped and coughed for the rest of the examination.

The news was good, and on the way home, my inner chant was the sound of her voice: 'Your Prostate is nice and firm and even ... it is like a Walnut.'
Some people say the nicest things.

01-08-2011, 11:22 PM	#3 (permalink)
zenda Crazy Location: London, England	My first prostate exam. Unplugged. I'd visited my doctor to get feedback on a sleep-study test she had organized. I mentioned in passing that I was at the age where Prostate exams seem to be supposed to be happening and what should I do to arrange one. I did not expect her reply: " ......... Pants ........... Couch .......... Now ......" I was suddenly in a spin " ......... Pants ........... Couch .......... Now ......" I was, however, the one who'd brought up the subject. So Pants/Couch/Now. OK. She drew a modesty curtain round the couch "I'll come in when you are ready" ... and I was alone with My PantsCouchNow thoughts. Ringing round my head, they were ... PantsCouchNow! Pants ...... Pants off. OK. And ... Well, I suppose I better clamber on that Couch ... erm .. ?? ... hmmmm ...... well ... All Fours and Bottoms Up? I suppose so. Yup. Nowww. So my pants were on the floor and my T shirt was pulled up over my shoulder blades. I decided I needed a stable base, because it would be SO ... wrong ... if I were wiggling when she did her work. Therefore I pushed my face into the pillow, braced my elbows and knees stiffly and arched my back. I was a statue. Well, eventually I heard the swish of the curtain behind me, then a gasp. I turned my head to look at her over my shoulder, and smiled. She turned away and went into a kind of dancing coughing fit. By the way ... I'm English, and therefore trained in the way of Ruddy Hard Kipling: "If you can keep your head when all about are losing theirs." I felt I had to do something, so I said in my best modulated voice "I am ready for you now, Doctor" The coughing fit got worse, her hands and forearm obscured her entire face, but she approached. Her voice, broken and kind of ... kind of yelping .... and shaky. "I said I want you .... to ...... Lie on your SIDE" I had not heard that the first time ... I had only ever caught "PantsCouchNow" .. and I sure as merry heck did not hear it this second time, because my earlier Internal Chant had been replaced by [dalek]I am READY for the DOCTOR.[/dalek] I thought she'd said something like "I'm by your side." - some reassuring bedside-manner thing. I might as well have been Deaf. I just nodded. She took matters into her own hands and pushed with her full weight against the side of my ass with intent to tip me over. I made a sheep-on-the-edge-of-the-cliff sound and pushed hard against her because I did not know what she wanted and I was trying to keep my balance. She doubled her efforts, and I collapsed out of my 'crouching-tiger unhidden-butt' position too quickly for her to retain her balance. She sprawled on top of me. Within two seconds each of us regained positions more appropriate for a professional relationship. In a halting voice, she said I needn't have taken my pants all the way off and that she wanted me on my side. That was my moment of Dawning Awareness and heartfelt 'Oops.' I choked back my OMG and apologised graciously with "I'm SO sorry ... heck you opened the curtains and ... ah ... I can just imagine what you must have seen .. I'm SO sor..." .. And that set her off again. Indeed, we both yelped and coughed for the rest of the examination. The news was good, and on the way home, my inner chant was the sound of her voice: 'Your Prostate is nice and firm and even ... it is like a Walnut.' Some people say the nicest things.