Shadowex3

Am I the only person on TFP really concerned by this statement?

It sounds like you're admitting to us that you're not only forcing a 15 year old child to carry a baby to term and also keeping her in the dark about her options as some kind of disciplinary measure, which is... pretty concerning to say the least. I've seen too many girls forced into exactly the situation you're creating out of desperation and decide to just leave, or worse.

That said, even though I know what you really wanted was unconditional affirmation and sympathy, I really think you need to think about this from her perspective before everyone's behavior gets even more extreme.
It's hard sometimes given that your brain's literally wired differently now but it's still possible if you're willing to make an effort and consider the consequences of your actions.

So look at all of this from the point of view of someone with pretty much no control at all over her life right now:

You say that you're losing it because she refuses to listen to you. Have you considered what would happen if she ever found out that you withheld her options from her? All because you thought she'd think of it as a "get out of jail free" card? I'm sure that sounds reasonable and mature to you, and I can honestly see the logic you used to come to that conclusion and it IS internally consistent, but when you hear that said from the ouside that sounds vindictive and like you don't care about what's best for her as long as she "learns a lesson".

Since pregnancy tends to carry with it a stigma that someone deserves to be punished for getting pregnant lets look at that logic from another point of view: If she started smoking when she was this age instead of getting pregnant and then she was diagnosed with cancer at age 17 would you withhold her options from her and force things on her because you don't want her to think something is a "get out of jail free" card? No, you wouldn't. The very idea is practically unimaginable. A pregnancy is not really any less life threatening for a desperate 15 year old.

I know it's hard, and yes I know she's 15 and not remotely mature enough to make these decisions on her own, but the key word here is "on her own". As long as we're dealing with consequences of actions, have you seriously considered yours? Your lies by omission, or worse if you've made any more direct lies, may lead to her trying to induce a miscarriage because she didn't know she had the option of an instant adoption. Do you really think she won't get that desperate? Especially if she winds up thinking you're lying to her and manipulating her just so she gets what you think she deserves?

Is an adult going to find a lot of this logical or consistent? Probably not, especially not if they're emotionally involved. But from her point of view, it is, and as much trouble as it's likely to bring me for admitting it some of her behavior makes perfect sense from mine as well. But it's at least along the same kinds of logic a teenager would be using. She's not going to think about get out of jail free cards, or maturity, or the future. She's 15. She's going to see the closest person to her in the world, the one person that she was supposed to be able to trust with her life without question, betraying her out of spite just to teach her a lesson.

Right now she needs a support network, strong emotional connections that will help her get through the worst of this without running off or trying to kill herself, and above all she needs to know she can (literally) trust you with her life. And right now from her point of view you're doing a pretty good job of removing all three.

Get some outside help, and not just people who'll agree with you. You're going to need some brakes now and then when things get really stressful so you don't wind up doing something else extreme, like this, just because nobody thought it was unreasonable. For example other than punishing her (its basically a grounding/curfew) what purpose does not letting her spend the night with him serve? She's already pregnant, Virginia if I recall is a parental consent state so it's not like they can sneak off to a Clinic on their own, what is going to happen other than her spending a night crying on his shoulder and dealing with hormones and stress?

Emotions are running strong for all three of you. He's desperately trying to fit whatever his internal idea of a man and father is, and you two are flat out losing it. You need to ask yourself "is there a legitimate reason for doing X or is it just because I think it will 'teach her a lesson' and she deserves that."

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