jnthnlllshprd

This is long so I'm trying to keep it understandable and easy to read.

This woman I work with is driving me wild. We've been working together since January, and have gotten along extremely well since February. Up until now, I only thought of her as a really good friend, never looked at her as anything more. She's got a good heart, a good mind, and an amazing body. She's flirted with me much longer than I've flirted with her, i.e. sitting on my face while I'm asleep, grabbing my penis, sitting in my lap, dry-humping, dancing, etc.. which went on to asking me to give her children if she's still not a mother by age 30, and accepting my 'joke' marriage proposal by offering to pay the half of the 60 dollar marriage license fee.

We talk a lot, but rarely about important things. Sometimes we connect on a deeper level, but usually we just have this tendancy to joke around with each other in a way that makes us look like a couple, including casual kisses on the mouth and saying I love you, without ever acknowledging what it might actually mean (all in addition to the vulgar sexual displays in public). To me, this behavior was just meant look like something more than it really was, and we only did it because we were comfortable with each other enough to enjoy it publically. I always assumed she felt the same way.

[She doesn't do this with other people, not that I've seen. Our co-workers often assume that she and I are lovers, and that it's the worst kept secret in the world.]

Anyway, it got weird when we were out partying the other night. She asked me to be her 'date' to a party at a dance club uptown. We had our usual good time, laughing and having fun. Everybody we work with was there. We threw down a few shots of Bacardi 151. She makes a comment like "I want you to FUCK me" This is not an unusual thing either of us to say, even when we're sober. Like I said, it's always been an extremely flirty friendship.

Anyway, when I got home I called to let her know I'd made it without getting arrested or killed, like I'd promised. I jokingly said the only thing that wasn't okay was the fact that I didn't bone her. She said "I know, right? We should be passed that! We should be a couple by now!" I said, sarcastically, "Oh, yeah, but that would just be weird, seeing as how we work together, we couldn't do THAT of course..." and she said with, a disturbing whine in her voice, "NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL!" and kinda choked.

~What? I said. What do you mean by that?
~What? Nothing, I didn't say anything.
~Yeah, you did. Tell me, what's wrong? I asked.
~Nothing! Nothing's wrong! I didn't say that. (her)
~No really, what do you mean by that? (me)
~Look, I'll explain it tomorrow. Call me and I'll tell you everything. (her)
~Okay, I WILL call, and I WILL ask why you said that. (me)
~Kay bye.(her)
~Bye.

So I called the next morning. We joked for a moment before I brought it up. Of course, she said she didn't remember having any conversation. As drunk as I was that night, I remembered that conversation like it'd just happened, so she might have have remembered it as well. The tone in her voice wasn't very convincing.

[Correct me if I'm wrong, but people don't just fabricate feelings when they're drunk--they share them.]

So, I told her what she said, assuming maybe she did indeed forget, and she seemed pretty bothered by what I'd told her. I told her I knew she was drinking that night and I didn't want to make myself seem like an arrogant ass now for taking last night's conversation seriously, but I also didn't want to hurt her feelings if she actually DID desire a relationship with me. I just wanted to know what she wants.

Her response was You just don't want to lie to me. I told her I wouldn't lie if she didn't. Her response was I am attracted to you, but nothing can become of it. I didn't know how to respond to that. What does that mean? Why not? She didn't answer, so I told her I'd be more than happy to give myself to her emotionally, if that's what she wanted, and if not, then I'm fine with that as well. I told her I just wanted to know how she felt first. I don't know, she said. Then it was goodbye/see ya.

That was three days ago. She did seem a little akward when she came back to work this evening. I walked inside to clock in and I was laughing about something, and she got mad, apparently just because I was laughing. Shortly afterwards things were normal again, back to the same old sexual innuendo that drives our friendship. However, today was a bit strange. It's like there's this odd emotional exchange between us when we look at each other and don't speak. I can't tell if it's humility, pity, longing.. it's just new.

I do know we both have major trust issues. If I felt some way about her, I wouldn't admit it, and obviously she's the same way. At the same time, I believe that if she didn't have feelings for me and I had feelings for her, she cares too much about me to say no, and visa versa. It has nothing to do with ruining a good friendship, it's more about one of us finding the courage to step forward and confess a genuine desire to be mates, and we're both cowards. It's like a strong, mutual shyness. We never really share our pasts with each other in detail.

[I'm not the type to put my issues out there for people to discuss or on which to base my behavior, and I know she's not the same. I know she must've seen her fiar share of problems and the fact that she's not willing to discuss her past makes it more believable. I know she didn't have a father, she knows I didn't know my parents. I know she has lost several close friends to freak accidents, and she knows I did a shortened tour as a USMC infantryman in Fallujah that didn't go well for myself and my comrades. We just don't share the negative emotions very often because our friendship is like pure carelessness and joy.]

My problem is I can't be sure how she feels because she's so closed-off, much like myself. I know I'm suddenly feeling the urge to be her's, and to make her mine. So put yourself in my shoes, and ask yourself, do I act like nothing's there and risk depriving her of some desire that I've recently caught hint of, or do I risk opening some old wound in her heart that I'm not aware of? I could wait, but I don't want to risk breaking her heart, assuming she doesn't want to wait.

["What we have here is a failure to communicate."]

The real question is: Do you think I was being an idiot before, when I assumed this was all just in good fun, or am I being an idiot now for assuming it could be more than just a friendship? Please advise. I know people on the internet don't worry about hurting feelings.