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levite · 06-09-2010, 10:03 AM

So, some of what you're asking about, I can't comment on, since Jewish weddings have different traditions.

But that said, I can tell you that my wife and I had a deeply non-traditional wedding, both in terms of the Jewish traditions, and in terms of some of the secular traditions that Jews embrace also. For example, we both decided to wear formal Indian clothing, though neither of us is Indian, just because we loved the way they looked and felt. Our parents hated the idea. We decided not to have any dancing. Instead, we found a band to play during the reception that did fusion Brazilian-Ladino music: lovely, smooth, with enough beat to make you bounce a little, but not enough to demand actual dance. Our parents hated the idea. Instead of a fancy sit-down reception, we had a Middle Eastern cuisine buffet; instead of wedding cake we had baklava. Our parents hated the idea. Instead of bridesmaids and groomsmen we each had a posse of friends; we told them they could wear whatever they wanted, as long as it was a solid color. Our parents hated the idea. On the invitiations, we put (in both English and Hebrew) "black tie prohibited; shoes optional." Our parents hated the idea. We went with no flowers, minimal decorations, relatively plain table settings, reception in the synagogue's multipurpose room, in the name of making things simpler, easier, and less pressure on everyone. Our parents hated the idea. We had everyone stay at a nearby hotel, at which we negotiated a package deal; we asked everyone to come for the whole weekend: we got married on Sunday, but spent all Saturday at the hotel with our guests. We had informal Sabbath services together, but also ate together, and hung out at the pool together. Our parents hated the idea.

But it turned out to be amazing. We were so happy and comfortable and free of pressure, we got the chance to actually spend some quality time with our guests, and we loved the music and the food and so did our guests, everyone felt comfortable and un-pressured, and the whole weekend had a glow of easygoing fun and creative celebration. All our guests remarked on how much fun they had, and how our wedding just radiated happiness and love of life. Our parents loved it.

Do what pleases you. Don't be afraid to be happy and creative. If you make this day a celebration of you and your fiance and what makes the two of you happy and connected, it will show, and your guests and families will respond accordingly.

Be respectful and loving when you explain to your parents/siblings/family that you won't be doing this or that, or you plan to do X or Y. Explain gently that you value their opinion and you are so glad they will be there and you love them so much, but this is your wedding and you need for it to be the way you need it to be.

And if the planning gets rocky between you and your fiance, just remember: if the end of the wedding day comes, and you two are married-- that was a successful wedding.

06-09-2010, 10:03 AM	#12 (permalink)
levite Minion of Joss Location: The Windy City	So, some of what you're asking about, I can't comment on, since Jewish weddings have different traditions. But that said, I can tell you that my wife and I had a deeply non-traditional wedding, both in terms of the Jewish traditions, and in terms of some of the secular traditions that Jews embrace also. For example, we both decided to wear formal Indian clothing, though neither of us is Indian, just because we loved the way they looked and felt. Our parents hated the idea. We decided not to have any dancing. Instead, we found a band to play during the reception that did fusion Brazilian-Ladino music: lovely, smooth, with enough beat to make you bounce a little, but not enough to demand actual dance. Our parents hated the idea. Instead of a fancy sit-down reception, we had a Middle Eastern cuisine buffet; instead of wedding cake we had baklava. Our parents hated the idea. Instead of bridesmaids and groomsmen we each had a posse of friends; we told them they could wear whatever they wanted, as long as it was a solid color. Our parents hated the idea. On the invitiations, we put (in both English and Hebrew) "black tie prohibited; shoes optional." Our parents hated the idea. We went with no flowers, minimal decorations, relatively plain table settings, reception in the synagogue's multipurpose room, in the name of making things simpler, easier, and less pressure on everyone. Our parents hated the idea. We had everyone stay at a nearby hotel, at which we negotiated a package deal; we asked everyone to come for the whole weekend: we got married on Sunday, but spent all Saturday at the hotel with our guests. We had informal Sabbath services together, but also ate together, and hung out at the pool together. Our parents hated the idea. But it turned out to be amazing. We were so happy and comfortable and free of pressure, we got the chance to actually spend some quality time with our guests, and we loved the music and the food and so did our guests, everyone felt comfortable and un-pressured, and the whole weekend had a glow of easygoing fun and creative celebration. All our guests remarked on how much fun they had, and how our wedding just radiated happiness and love of life. Our parents loved it. Do what pleases you. Don't be afraid to be happy and creative. If you make this day a celebration of you and your fiance and what makes the two of you happy and connected, it will show, and your guests and families will respond accordingly. Be respectful and loving when you explain to your parents/siblings/family that you won't be doing this or that, or you plan to do X or Y. Explain gently that you value their opinion and you are so glad they will be there and you love them so much, but this is your wedding and you need for it to be the way you need it to be. And if the planning gets rocky between you and your fiance, just remember: if the end of the wedding day comes, and you two are married-- that was a successful wedding. __________________ Dull sublunary lovers love, Whose soul is sense, cannot admit Absence, because it doth remove That thing which elemented it. (From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)