Grancey and I went to see this movie tonight. Although it was released a couple of years ago, it is still playing a holdover engagement at the War Eagle Theater on Magnolia Street in downtown Auburn.
Suddenly, the lights go down. The theater is plunged into darkness, and all you can see are bloodshot eyes in the dark everywhere.
Suddenly, Sara Bareilles'
Love Song begins loudly. Although this song has nothing that relates to the movie, that hasn't stopped dozens of movies before this one from using it for the opening credits. THIS IS FINALLY IT! All sounds in the theater are cut off (except for genuinegirly and Taralynn, who are still openly arguing with each other for some damn reason as to who this warrrreagl person actually might be).
Suddenly on the screen, a microphone begins its quick descent from the ceiling into the middle of the caged death match arena. Many celebrated TFP celebrities are gathered in the center of the ring, and they all crowd around the microphone and shout, "LLLLLLLLLET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
In this corner, weighing in at 1500 pounds (what is that, like a million six "stone" or something?), is The_Jazz!!!
The crowd roars.
And in this corner, weighing in at 15 pounds, is WARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREAGL
The crowd roars some more.
Boys, I want a good clean fight. Jazz, no farting, and Warrrr, no hidden cow patties.
BUT WAIT! OH MY GOD!!!! What is that evil, horrid, wretched monster that has just started to climb into the ring????? NOOOOOO..... IT CAN'T BE...............
The_Jazz and Warrrreagl are instantly frozen in sheer terror. Even if they combined their great forces and powers, they could never hope to defeat such a vile, vomitous mass as this.
BUT WAIT!!! HELP IS ON THE WAY!!!!! YES!!! Something else is climbing into the ring that is ALL -POWERFUL and cannot be defeated by anyone - not even the combined power of the eagle and the grizzly, and cannot even be defeated by the wild rabid dog. YES!!!! Thank God, it's GRANCEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To the rescue!!
At the sight of such extreme cuteness, the evil, vile, horrid, wretched, rabid dog flees the arena. The_Jazz and Warrrreagl sit transfixed and clutching each other - eternally grateful to the kitty for saving their lives (until they finally realize they're actually clutching each other, at which time they gag and let go). Not that there's anything wrong with that...
The fight is over. The ending credits roll and a bad Eddie Vedder version of some song plays while genuinegirly and Taralynn are still working on their dilemma.
Even as the theater was emptied, people could still hear the cheers continuing on into the night.....
And they all lived happily ever after.
The end.