Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Losing girlfriend for not wanting children

tres · 04-07-2010, 10:06 AM

Lets see, where to start. I'm 28 and she is 37. We have been together for 6months. For many years she has been "undecided" in the children department. When we first met (as odd as it sounds) we discussed children, and that I not no desire to ever have any. We became "friends with benefits". A month or so after that we realized we had feelings for each other and began to date.

Our relationship as a whole is AMAZING! She is by far the best woman I have ever dated. She has her life in order, career, a great sense of humor, our sex life is great, she's considerate (sometimes to a fault!), and we communicate well. My Parents LOVE her and tell me that they have never seen me happier(My parents couldn't usually care less who I date). Clearly because she is approaching 40, its time for her to really decide if she wants children or not, and its been on her mind quite a bit since we are so in love and she knows I don't want kids. Recently I've noticed her nit-picking on things she never had before and while we were only dating 6 months, she lived only 3 miles from me, so we practically lived together. So after talking she told me that she's unsure of our relationship because of my not wanting to have a baby(in the future). I told her that I don't blame her for wanting to leave me, but that its not something I can ever see for myself.

We are now having a very difficult time getting over our relationship as best friends and lovers because we don't have a reason to "hate" each other. Neither of us did anything wrong, we just want different things for our lives.

My father with whom she is very close with called me after speaking with her and said to me the following: "It is my fault you are afraid/do not want to have kids because of the way I raised you and you should really consider staying with her and working it out.." He says that if we truly love each other that I should be able to totally submit to her every desire and visa versa. Saying that if she wants a baby, give her a baby, that you will never be "ready" and that I'd make a great dad.

There are obviously many things about the two of us that come into play. I was not wanted by my mother, and was almost aborted and subsequently my mom was a very selfish mother, and I was raised by my dad in poverty. She was adopted at birth and has allot of issues because of that.

She says that she hates the idea of giving up her life for the "baby" years, but feels at a loss because she doesn't want to go through life without experiencing motherhood. I would give this woman anything she wants, but this is a little different than a vacation, house, car. Children is a lifetime commitment.

I'm sure that there are other with a similar quandary. What do you think of my fathers advice?
Should I be more open to having children, or stick with my current way of thinking?
From everything she has told me, I believe that she truly doesn't want a child, and that its simply because she knows that by staying with me it takes the option of the table.

04-07-2010, 10:06 AM	#1 (permalink)
tres Insane Location: Long Island, NY	Losing girlfriend for not wanting children Lets see, where to start. I'm 28 and she is 37. We have been together for 6months. For many years she has been "undecided" in the children department. When we first met (as odd as it sounds) we discussed children, and that I not no desire to ever have any. We became "friends with benefits". A month or so after that we realized we had feelings for each other and began to date. Our relationship as a whole is AMAZING! She is by far the best woman I have ever dated. She has her life in order, career, a great sense of humor, our sex life is great, she's considerate (sometimes to a fault!), and we communicate well. My Parents LOVE her and tell me that they have never seen me happier(My parents couldn't usually care less who I date). Clearly because she is approaching 40, its time for her to really decide if she wants children or not, and its been on her mind quite a bit since we are so in love and she knows I don't want kids. Recently I've noticed her nit-picking on things she never had before and while we were only dating 6 months, she lived only 3 miles from me, so we practically lived together. So after talking she told me that she's unsure of our relationship because of my not wanting to have a baby(in the future). I told her that I don't blame her for wanting to leave me, but that its not something I can ever see for myself. We are now having a very difficult time getting over our relationship as best friends and lovers because we don't have a reason to "hate" each other. Neither of us did anything wrong, we just want different things for our lives. My father with whom she is very close with called me after speaking with her and said to me the following: "It is my fault you are afraid/do not want to have kids because of the way I raised you and you should really consider staying with her and working it out.." He says that if we truly love each other that I should be able to totally submit to her every desire and visa versa. Saying that if she wants a baby, give her a baby, that you will never be "ready" and that I'd make a great dad. There are obviously many things about the two of us that come into play. I was not wanted by my mother, and was almost aborted and subsequently my mom was a very selfish mother, and I was raised by my dad in poverty. She was adopted at birth and has allot of issues because of that. She says that she hates the idea of giving up her life for the "baby" years, but feels at a loss because she doesn't want to go through life without experiencing motherhood. I would give this woman anything she wants, but this is a little different than a vacation, house, car. Children is a lifetime commitment. I'm sure that there are other with a similar quandary. What do you think of my fathers advice? Should I be more open to having children, or stick with my current way of thinking? From everything she has told me, I believe that she truly doesn't want a child, and that its simply because she knows that by staying with me it takes the option of the table. __________________ "Its better to be hated for who you are, then loved for what your not" --Van Zant "Tell me and I forget. Show me and I remember. Involve me and I learn."