FIVE WAYS TO IMPROVE THE THEATRICAL EXPERIENCE
Quote:
1) Hire some fucking ushers. I mean, seriously. We have actually gotten to the point where the talkers and texters outnumber the real people in a movie theater. At some point the theaters owners simply ceded the auditoriums to these fuckers. Look, I know that their money is just as good as mine, but guess what: if you don't let these shitheads ruin the experience, I'll probably spend more than they do.
One of the many reasons I love the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin Texas is that they have a stringent no talking policy, and they will kick your ass out if you break it. Read this blog entry from Alamo owner Tim League for more about that. Knowing that their movie won't be interrupted by rude people will really bring back many more folks to the theater - the kind of folks who have the money to buy high end home theater systems but would be happy to spend it at your establishment instead.
2) Hire some real fucking projectionists. This is about to become a serious issue, if the 3D fad holds up. I've been hearing stories of improperly projected 3D screenings of Avatar, and screwing that up is way more serious than misframing a print (which happens all the time. When you go to the movies and see the boom mic in every shot - that's the projectionist's fault, not the filmmaker). Once upon a time projectionists were unionized professionals; now they're often part-time morons. We need real, professional projectionists making sure that the sound and picture quality of our films are top notch. And that includes replacing dim bulbs, probably the number one source of poor movie picture quality.
3) Keep the babies out. Hey, I know this list isn't revolutionary. There is a lot of obvious stuff here, but for some reason the obvious has not yet penetrated into the minds of theater owners. So that brings us to this obvious item, which isn't saying keep all babies out all the time - just keep the kids out of R rated movies at night. I don't really care that you're scarring your four year old by bringing him to Friday the 13th, I care that my enjoyment of the film is being hampered by him screaming and screaming and screaming.
If you just need to get to the movies and aren't smart enough to figure out how to get a babysitter, go to a matinee. Theaters should make this mandatory; their systems should be incapable of spitting out child tickets to an R-rated film after 5pm.
4) Have reserved seats. When I first moved to LA I was aghast at the idea of reserved seating at the Arclight Cinema in Hollywood. Now I love it. There are a couple of reasons: one, I don't have to get to the movie theater an hour and a half early. I can go to dinner, do some shopping, fuck around in general and get to the theater last minute and still have my great seat. But even more than that, if I get a great seat at a packed screening it increases the likelihood I am sitting next to a human and not some kind of Morlock mongoloid. See, the good seats go fast for packed screenings, and the people who want good seats tend to be the kind of people who don't text through entire films. Of course some of them still do, which is why even a theater with good reserved seating needs more fucking ushers.
|
From chud.com
I like going to the cinema and I plan on going more now that I can get in for less than £5 (= about $7) and films look better as film: at the cinema you're seeing THE image rather than a representation. Except for the Imax, or watching comedies, or when I'm drunk I prefer to go at quiet times. Kids messing about, making noise and sometimes inexplicably running in and out of the theatre sometimes come close to spoiling the experience. I've never had it but if there was a crying baby I think I'd go and have a word with staff. It's bad enough on the bus; in the cinema I wouldn't tolerate it. On Monday I went to watch Shutter Island - great film - and it was pretty quiet. One dude was at near the front and some more people were further back. I like it better at the front so I sat in front of the guy. I almost gagged as soon as I sat down - he didn't look it but he was the foulest, most rancid stinker I've ever smelled. I moved immediately about ten rows back and I could still slightly smell him throughout.
A few years ago I was at a cinema to see Spider-Man 2 in the morning of its release day and I was early, and the cinema wasn't quite open yet. Some kid was cleaning the windows and he asked me what I was going to see. I said, "Spider-Man 2". He said - dismissively! - "Ohhh, I saw that on pirate last night, it were shit." That made me want to push his numb skull through the window he just cleaned. If you see a pirate version of a spectacular film on a little screen, and you're a fucking moron anyway, guess what? It's going to be shit. Your life is shit. You shit. You are something even worse than shit. I didn't say that to him. I walked away, afraid he would say something about what happened in it. I wasn't expecting a whole lot from the film but it was utterly amazing - more so, I think, because of what that boy said and how wrong he was - and ended up in the #7 slot of my top 20 films of the decade.