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It's easy to tell someone to relax, not so easy to hear it and say "OK, I'm relaxed now." If it was, sales of pills that make sullen black and white people step into the world of technicolor and dance through fields of flowers (if they're allergic to those flowers, there's a pill for that, too,) would plummet.
You obviously want to have sex, but you are subconsciously afraid that you won't live up to those expectations. You feel even more pressure every time you try and can't do it, and that's only making it worse. Sex is a lot messier and clumsier than what you've seen in porn and romantic movies, and thinking about that's not going to help things right now. People always talk about how hilariously awkward or painful their first time was, and I've got news for you, the next few times are going to be just like it.
As a couple, agree to take the ol' in-out-in-out off the table for one month. Say to yourself and to her that you're going to put it off for 30 days and stick to that no matter how tempted you are to try again. During that time, get used to each others' bodies, find out what excites you, and have fun getting each other off without inserting tab a into slot b (or slot c, save that for when you get used to normal and are ready to play on expert difficulty.) When those 30 days are up, you're going to be more confident because you know how to please each other, you know what to whisper into each others' ears at that magic moment, what spot to lick, kiss, bite, scratch ... you'll have a good idea of what's right by then. After those 30 days, get into your regular routine, and know ahead of time that if the time seems right, you'll go for it, if not you're going to have a great time anyway and you can wait another week until you're ready. Not having pressure to perform means you can relax.
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