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Drider_it · 01-29-2010, 07:56 AM

The fact i have an epic temper and that i hold stuff in for weeks, then when i try to explain it ... its like a fuse slowly burning.. away and fizzling then the wind blows just right and it flares back up.. *BOOM*

I've a rage in me that I keep down. Hell, the hulk ain't got nothing on me in that aspect. But, I try too hard to hold it in, and talk. But, I think of all the wrong things that have happen. Like she goes out to a bar with this single guy. Comes home late, to fall asleep or not at all. I just lose myself in my own world. And ride the net for all its worth.

I don't go out to bars. I don't hang out with women. I work, come home, try to clean this trash hole of a house by myself. Cook for the kids and me. And I talk to people in wow on ventrilo (which is my only friends.) lack of a ride tends to move you in that direction.

I dont talk to her the way one should i guess. But, I've never really been given the chance. Like I said when you keep something in it festers.

when I try to talk it out.. everything ive held in all comes out in a burst and I try to say everything that has been bothering me all at once. I dosen't work that way i guess.

But, nothing I can do now. I still think we would be happier apart than together.

I'm just tired of trying. Of wondering why cant she laugh and joke like that with me.

I like watching movies with popcorn, staying home with the kids. all that crappy romance stuff that girls like lol. I'm not some grease monkey (no offence to any that are) I'm not some brute, a "macho" type. I'm kind and careing when given the chance.

I tend to do little things that in a whole prove I love someone. Yet, in the end, I'm just left holding onto something that never really was there.

In short..

Me--- Even though I'm here with the kids all the time. I've gotten to the point where I tune them out. I never get a break so I place myself in a situation where I can get a break. I'm sick of cleaning this house over and over, trying to get the kids to understand not to leave stuff lying around and such. Sick of .. omg I haven't seen the floor in our laundry room for over a year.

Her--- she works, college. Comes home and sleeps. She always on her phone. Gets some kind of message saying and i swear to you... "(enter noob name here) needs me to (enter desperate help line here) is it ok if i go?" goes out with anyone to get away from the problems at the house which she claims is me.

what can i do say no and have her mad at me.. looking back i guess i should have told her to stay home.. but she would use the "your controlling" line on me.

just standing back trying to be passive, I can see its just over. I just don't know what to do.

as of now, we are waiting for our taxes... about 6k we get back each year. I gotta get 3 rides working. Now, I gotta decide on what to do.

we are on section 8 hud rent so its in my name.. I just cant move out and get my own place. It goes against their policies. I could end up in a fed pen due to that.

we get about 1k a month in food stamps. Its in my name. again what to do.

My friend asked me if i would get remarried or date.. I told him hell no. I spent 13 years trying to learn the ins and outs of this woman.. how acts .. her likes and dislikes. what she likes and hates to eat. how her lips part when she sleeps. when she needs her back rubbed. when she is sick. sad...

im not gonna put myself through having to get to know someone all over again.

I did my lot in life.. i had kids to pass on to the world. I have to help raise them and I'm happy for that. No where did it say i have to keep a woman in my life or have sex or anything else along those lines. And I won't.

I'll have the rest of my life working with my kids to let them know "hey im here and i love you"

I'm the paranoid type also. "will she harbor hate in her heart for me and move that to my kids?"

my kids never see it all.. they only see daddy get mad at mommy and then hate me.

they never see daddy at home wondering if or when mommy will be home. That I worry, cry. Stare at a wall till i cant take it so i turn to what i can do.. i escape on my computer. (its wrong but im human)

in all of this im still trying to understand how one still gets along with another and can be a friend. Yet, going out with all these men, in the back of my mind when i do finally seperate and move out. She can have anyone she wants.

I have little to offer anyone. I can cook, clean, iron, sew, i take out trash and do windows. I like to walk in the woods but in a certain way. Fish sorta. I love nature in the sense of life. Yet i hate the discomfort of leaving the house, the heat or cold. Bugs etc... I love watching movies. cuddling in a blanket watching a fire ( it smothers her)

im a hopless romantic i guess but married to someone who wants more of a "man guy".

01-29-2010, 07:56 AM	#6 (permalink)
Drider_it Junkie Location: Louisiana	The fact i have an epic temper and that i hold stuff in for weeks, then when i try to explain it ... its like a fuse slowly burning.. away and fizzling then the wind blows just right and it flares back up.. BOOM I've a rage in me that I keep down. Hell, the hulk ain't got nothing on me in that aspect. But, I try too hard to hold it in, and talk. But, I think of all the wrong things that have happen. Like she goes out to a bar with this single guy. Comes home late, to fall asleep or not at all. I just lose myself in my own world. And ride the net for all its worth. I don't go out to bars. I don't hang out with women. I work, come home, try to clean this trash hole of a house by myself. Cook for the kids and me. And I talk to people in wow on ventrilo (which is my only friends.) lack of a ride tends to move you in that direction. I dont talk to her the way one should i guess. But, I've never really been given the chance. Like I said when you keep something in it festers. when I try to talk it out.. everything ive held in all comes out in a burst and I try to say everything that has been bothering me all at once. I dosen't work that way i guess. But, nothing I can do now. I still think we would be happier apart than together. I'm just tired of trying. Of wondering why cant she laugh and joke like that with me. I like watching movies with popcorn, staying home with the kids. all that crappy romance stuff that girls like lol. I'm not some grease monkey (no offence to any that are) I'm not some brute, a "macho" type. I'm kind and careing when given the chance. I tend to do little things that in a whole prove I love someone. Yet, in the end, I'm just left holding onto something that never really was there. In short.. Me--- Even though I'm here with the kids all the time. I've gotten to the point where I tune them out. I never get a break so I place myself in a situation where I can get a break. I'm sick of cleaning this house over and over, trying to get the kids to understand not to leave stuff lying around and such. Sick of .. omg I haven't seen the floor in our laundry room for over a year. Her--- she works, college. Comes home and sleeps. She always on her phone. Gets some kind of message saying and i swear to you... "(enter noob name here) needs me to (enter desperate help line here) is it ok if i go?" goes out with anyone to get away from the problems at the house which she claims is me. what can i do say no and have her mad at me.. looking back i guess i should have told her to stay home.. but she would use the "your controlling" line on me. just standing back trying to be passive, I can see its just over. I just don't know what to do. as of now, we are waiting for our taxes... about 6k we get back each year. I gotta get 3 rides working. Now, I gotta decide on what to do. we are on section 8 hud rent so its in my name.. I just cant move out and get my own place. It goes against their policies. I could end up in a fed pen due to that. we get about 1k a month in food stamps. Its in my name. again what to do. My friend asked me if i would get remarried or date.. I told him hell no. I spent 13 years trying to learn the ins and outs of this woman.. how acts .. her likes and dislikes. what she likes and hates to eat. how her lips part when she sleeps. when she needs her back rubbed. when she is sick. sad... im not gonna put myself through having to get to know someone all over again. I did my lot in life.. i had kids to pass on to the world. I have to help raise them and I'm happy for that. No where did it say i have to keep a woman in my life or have sex or anything else along those lines. And I won't. I'll have the rest of my life working with my kids to let them know "hey im here and i love you" I'm the paranoid type also. "will she harbor hate in her heart for me and move that to my kids?" my kids never see it all.. they only see daddy get mad at mommy and then hate me. they never see daddy at home wondering if or when mommy will be home. That I worry, cry. Stare at a wall till i cant take it so i turn to what i can do.. i escape on my computer. (its wrong but im human) in all of this im still trying to understand how one still gets along with another and can be a friend. Yet, going out with all these men, in the back of my mind when i do finally seperate and move out. She can have anyone she wants. I have little to offer anyone. I can cook, clean, iron, sew, i take out trash and do windows. I like to walk in the woods but in a certain way. Fish sorta. I love nature in the sense of life. Yet i hate the discomfort of leaving the house, the heat or cold. Bugs etc... I love watching movies. cuddling in a blanket watching a fire ( it smothers her) im a hopless romantic i guess but married to someone who wants more of a "man guy". __________________ It means only one thing, and everything: Cut. Once committed to fight, Cut. Everything else is secondary. Cut. That is your duty, your purpose, your hunger. There is no rule more important, no commitment that overrides that one. Cut. The lines are a portrayal of the dance. Cut from the void, not from bewilderment. Cut the enemy as quickly and directly as possible. Cut with certainty. Cut decisively, resoultely. Cut into his strength. Flow through the gaps in his guard. Cut him. Cut him down utterly. Don't allow him a breath. Crush him. Cut him without mercy to the depth of his spirit. It is the balance to life: death. It is the dance with death. It is the law a war wizard lives by, or he dies.