Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Settle With or Dump the girl that I don't love?

Mirth · 01-20-2010, 11:49 AM

[I apologize ahead of time for the long post, I have a problem with going into too much detail sometimes. Not for the faint of heart.]

In early November, I messaged this one girl on a dating site who only had one picture up that was hard to tell if she was cute or not. As I read her profile, she seemed a lot like myself in that she is shy, not too adventurous, a short, petite girl (the guy version of me), and more of a goofy person when she opens up, so I thought that maybe I'd get to be with someone who would understand me and accept me as what I feel am not a normal guy.

Backstory on myself:. If you've read my other thread about a year ago, you'd remember that I'm not a very confident man, I don't feel attractive at all (mostly because of short height), and I just don't feel normal. I'm averagely intelligent, but I'm not a fast-thinker so I seem pretty dumb and dull. And with that, you'd remember that I was in a long distance relationship with a girl for a year, my first and only girlfriend, who dumped me after a few days in person (mostly because our relationship was rocky).

Continuing on, this girl asked me if I wanted to meet her at her church in November. Note that I'm somewhat agnostic and said I was a Christian to her because she was looking for a "good-Christian man". I felt, maybe I can be converted, since Christianity was once a big part of my family.

Trying to make a long story short, we've met about 12 times so far. She's very enjoyable to hang out with, she's kind of like a kid in many ways which in turn doesn't make me feel intimidated, like most women do to me. She's like a good friend, which I don't have any that are within a 3 hour drive.

Those are the goods. Here are the bads:

1). Attraction: I'm not really attracted to her... She barely falls into the kinda cute category in my eyes. Her face is kind of weird looking to me, and her body doesn't really make up for it. I feel I'm not the most picky guy when it comes to choosing a girl to be with. There are many girls I've thought, "I wouldn't mind being with her" and my friends would be like, "I'll pass". But, I don't feel hardly any attraction to her.. When her and I went to the beach, and I seen many women in swimsuits and stuff, I was thinking, "(I don't even want to see this girl in a swimsuit or bikini...)" It's like, it'd be impossible for her to be sexy in any way, even if she dressed up as a french maid or something. I like a girl who can at least "feel" sexy. :\
My ex was very attractive to me, and probably very attractive to the majority of guys.

2). Money: She spends waaay too much of my money. Not only is it an hour and 15 min. drive, ($12 in gas there and back), I always end up having to pay for our lunches and/or dinners, which costs anywhere from $10 to $30 + tip if it's a restaurant. Then I get the, "Awww, thank you! *shoulder hug*". I make $10 an hour, working part time because of full-time college, I can't afford her. Does dating really cost this much? I expect it the first few times, but for 3 months, I'd expect her to maybe help me out a bit. On top of that, EVERY time we meet up, we always end up going to somewhere in which I'll have to buy something either for us or something she recommends me: Uno ($5), Kite ($4), Fishing License ($20), Bible ($30!), A manga book ($12), Stupid Japanese Soda (2 * $1.50), etc etc etc.
My ex and I didn't do anything that cost us money, we just chilled, and she always insisted on buying her own food or buying mine and hers.

3) Religion: I really like going to the church we go to, it's very "hip". They have a live rock band, and the pastor is really funny but stays on topic for the most part, like, he showed a picture of what he'll look like in heaven (all muscular, with his exact face). I've never thought I could enjoy church, but I do at this one. With that said, I don't see myself ever becoming a "serious" Christian. I don't like it that they think that even if you're a good person, you're still going to hell if you don't accept Jesus into your life or if you doubt his existence. I guess because then my family is going to hell no matter how good they are, so I don't want to think about that. It just feels too much like a cult. I don't have anything against Christians, I think most are good people (and I've actually always tried to go after Christian girls because they seem like they have better morals and are more committed). But when she laughs at the stupid Biblical jokes, I don't laugh and I think she's nuts, yet she's practically rolling on the floor laughing and looks at me to make sure I'm (fake) laughing too.
My ex is a Catholic but we never talked about religion really. Heck, she barely went to church ever.

4). Embarrassment: I'm not easily embarrassed, at all, but this girl can work wonders on it. She says "Lol" or "win" after every sentence, she dances with her hands in public too much, and I don't really like to be seen with her as a couple. :\
My ex was/is a slut. Unrelated to the topic.

5) Don't want to communicate: I really don't want to talk/text this girl when we're not together. I don't have that "urge" to see what she's up to, how her day was, that kinda stuff.
With my ex, we couldn't NOT text each other every day. She always wanted to chat with me, and I absolutely loved chatting with her, getting to know her, how she was doing, etc. I did it without coming off as "needy", in that we'd take turns letting each other start up the conversation each day. Was amazingly awesome and it felt so good.

6) Sexuality: She doesn't seemed to be interested in sexual stuff. I knew going into this that she wasn't "easy". When we were on her couch, when her bro and mom left, I made a sexual joke that went something like, "Now that they're gone, maybe we could mess around a little.

". I was kind of being serious but said it somewhat jokingly just in case she wasn't into that. She gave me the weirdest look I've ever gotten in my life, and we just continued playing Uno.
My ex was always turned on by something I did. She'd even like, finger herself while we were texting and stuff... And she'd let me play with her boobs whenever I wanted! And she loved to be touched, anywhere, and I liked being able to like, put my hand on her leg and know that it turns her on. She loved to make out and of course, liked sex a lot (although we only did it 3 times. :\ ).

The worst part about all of that, 1-6, is that if I were really attracted to her, I wouldn't mind 2-5. (I'd still do 6 with her, haha). I wouldn't mind spending that money on her, I wouldn't mind that she's very religious and has her own views, and I wouldn't care if she was embarrassing because let's face it, being with an attractive girl cancels out anything that could be embarrassing. In other words, I would really like this girl if I were attracted to her. And my ex was just awesome in like, every regard (other than the sluttyness), we had everything in common, had the same views, and she was gorgeous. So I went from great to not-so-great. But I guess my ex wasn't so great if she had left me, ha.

So I feel I have a few options:

Option 1 -- Just friends: This is my biggest fear. The thing I fear the most is breaking this girl's heart. I know that she really, really likes me. If anything, she may even be in love with me. I actually met her mom and brother last weekend, when before she seemed to be hiding me from them (which was fine). Halfway through the week, every week, she'd text me saying she can't wait to see me. But I don't feel the same. But I also do NOT want her to go through the pain I went through when my ex didn't want me anymore. It is the worst feeling I've ever had, and it still hurts me to this day (5 months later). I cannot do this to her...

And I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want to be friends if I did.

Option 2 -- Settle with her: I'm very afraid that if I turn her down, I could end up being alone forever. I took me 24 years to get my first girlfriend and my first kiss, and the time we spent together was LESS than the time I've spent total with this new girl, IN THE FIRST TWO DAYS WE MET. I cannot go another 25 years alone, I'd just kill myself. But then again, I'm not confident enough to really approach women out of the blue, so I feel I will have to play the waiting game and wait for a girl to come into my life, because on the three dating sites I'm at, all of the very few girls that are interested in me I don't find attractive (No offense to them, but I'm just not into girls who weigh 50+ more pounds than I do... Really, no offense to them, it's just not for me, and I know there are guys out there that dig them type of women.) Anyways, I'm not sure if maybe with more time I'll end up falling in love with her?

So, I don't know what to do really... I want to make this decision very soon, because the more time that goes by, if I choose option 1 it'll just make it harder on her. And if I did choose option 1, I wouldn't know the easiest way to do it... But I don't know if I should choose option 2 and potentially find real love and happiness with her...

Comments and thoughts on anything is greatly appreciated. I respect this community's opinions very highly.

01-20-2010, 11:49 AM	#1 (permalink)
Mirth Tilted	Settle With or Dump the girl that I don't love? [I apologize ahead of time for the long post, I have a problem with going into too much detail sometimes. Not for the faint of heart.] In early November, I messaged this one girl on a dating site who only had one picture up that was hard to tell if she was cute or not. As I read her profile, she seemed a lot like myself in that she is shy, not too adventurous, a short, petite girl (the guy version of me), and more of a goofy person when she opens up, so I thought that maybe I'd get to be with someone who would understand me and accept me as what I feel am not a normal guy. Backstory on myself:. If you've read my other thread about a year ago, you'd remember that I'm not a very confident man, I don't feel attractive at all (mostly because of short height), and I just don't feel normal. I'm averagely intelligent, but I'm not a fast-thinker so I seem pretty dumb and dull. And with that, you'd remember that I was in a long distance relationship with a girl for a year, my first and only girlfriend, who dumped me after a few days in person (mostly because our relationship was rocky). Continuing on, this girl asked me if I wanted to meet her at her church in November. Note that I'm somewhat agnostic and said I was a Christian to her because she was looking for a "good-Christian man". I felt, maybe I can be converted, since Christianity was once a big part of my family. Trying to make a long story short, we've met about 12 times so far. She's very enjoyable to hang out with, she's kind of like a kid in many ways which in turn doesn't make me feel intimidated, like most women do to me. She's like a good friend, which I don't have any that are within a 3 hour drive. Those are the goods. Here are the bads: 1). Attraction: I'm not really attracted to her... She barely falls into the kinda cute category in my eyes. Her face is kind of weird looking to me, and her body doesn't really make up for it. I feel I'm not the most picky guy when it comes to choosing a girl to be with. There are many girls I've thought, "I wouldn't mind being with her" and my friends would be like, "I'll pass". But, I don't feel hardly any attraction to her.. When her and I went to the beach, and I seen many women in swimsuits and stuff, I was thinking, "(I don't even want to see this girl in a swimsuit or bikini...)" It's like, it'd be impossible for her to be sexy in any way, even if she dressed up as a french maid or something. I like a girl who can at least "feel" sexy. :\ My ex was very attractive to me, and probably very attractive to the majority of guys. 2). Money: She spends waaay too much of my money. Not only is it an hour and 15 min. drive, ($12 in gas there and back), I always end up having to pay for our lunches and/or dinners, which costs anywhere from $10 to $30 + tip if it's a restaurant. Then I get the, "Awww, thank you! shoulder hug". I make $10 an hour, working part time because of full-time college, I can't afford her. Does dating really cost this much? I expect it the first few times, but for 3 months, I'd expect her to maybe help me out a bit. On top of that, EVERY time we meet up, we always end up going to somewhere in which I'll have to buy something either for us or something she recommends me: Uno ($5), Kite ($4), Fishing License ($20), Bible ($30!), A manga book ($12), Stupid Japanese Soda (2 * $1.50), etc etc etc. My ex and I didn't do anything that cost us money, we just chilled, and she always insisted on buying her own food or buying mine and hers. 3) Religion: I really like going to the church we go to, it's very "hip". They have a live rock band, and the pastor is really funny but stays on topic for the most part, like, he showed a picture of what he'll look like in heaven (all muscular, with his exact face). I've never thought I could enjoy church, but I do at this one. With that said, I don't see myself ever becoming a "serious" Christian. I don't like it that they think that even if you're a good person, you're still going to hell if you don't accept Jesus into your life or if you doubt his existence. I guess because then my family is going to hell no matter how good they are, so I don't want to think about that. It just feels too much like a cult. I don't have anything against Christians, I think most are good people (and I've actually always tried to go after Christian girls because they seem like they have better morals and are more committed). But when she laughs at the stupid Biblical jokes, I don't laugh and I think she's nuts, yet she's practically rolling on the floor laughing and looks at me to make sure I'm (fake) laughing too. My ex is a Catholic but we never talked about religion really. Heck, she barely went to church ever. 4). Embarrassment: I'm not easily embarrassed, at all, but this girl can work wonders on it. She says "Lol" or "win" after every sentence, she dances with her hands in public too much, and I don't really like to be seen with her as a couple. :\ My ex was/is a slut. Unrelated to the topic. 5) Don't want to communicate: I really don't want to talk/text this girl when we're not together. I don't have that "urge" to see what she's up to, how her day was, that kinda stuff. With my ex, we couldn't NOT text each other every day. She always wanted to chat with me, and I absolutely loved chatting with her, getting to know her, how she was doing, etc. I did it without coming off as "needy", in that we'd take turns letting each other start up the conversation each day. Was amazingly awesome and it felt so good. 6) Sexuality: She doesn't seemed to be interested in sexual stuff. I knew going into this that she wasn't "easy". When we were on her couch, when her bro and mom left, I made a sexual joke that went something like, "Now that they're gone, maybe we could mess around a little. ". I was kind of being serious but said it somewhat jokingly just in case she wasn't into that. She gave me the weirdest look I've ever gotten in my life, and we just continued playing Uno. My ex was always turned on by something I did. She'd even like, finger herself while we were texting and stuff... And she'd let me play with her boobs whenever I wanted! And she loved to be touched, anywhere, and I liked being able to like, put my hand on her leg and know that it turns her on. She loved to make out and of course, liked sex a lot (although we only did it 3 times. :\ ). The worst part about all of that, 1-6, is that if I were really attracted to her, I wouldn't mind 2-5. (I'd still do 6 with her, haha). I wouldn't mind spending that money on her, I wouldn't mind that she's very religious and has her own views, and I wouldn't care if she was embarrassing because let's face it, being with an attractive girl cancels out anything that could be embarrassing. In other words, I would really like this girl if I were attracted to her. And my ex was just awesome in like, every regard (other than the sluttyness), we had everything in common, had the same views, and she was gorgeous. So I went from great to not-so-great. But I guess my ex wasn't so great if she had left me, ha. So I feel I have a few options: Option 1 -- Just friends: This is my biggest fear. The thing I fear the most is breaking this girl's heart. I know that she really, really likes me. If anything, she may even be in love with me. I actually met her mom and brother last weekend, when before she seemed to be hiding me from them (which was fine). Halfway through the week, every week, she'd text me saying she can't wait to see me. But I don't feel the same. But I also do NOT want her to go through the pain I went through when my ex didn't want me anymore. It is the worst feeling I've ever had, and it still hurts me to this day (5 months later). I cannot do this to her... And I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want to be friends if I did. Option 2 -- Settle with her: I'm very afraid that if I turn her down, I could end up being alone forever. I took me 24 years to get my first girlfriend and my first kiss, and the time we spent together was LESS than the time I've spent total with this new girl, IN THE FIRST TWO DAYS WE MET. I cannot go another 25 years alone, I'd just kill myself. But then again, I'm not confident enough to really approach women out of the blue, so I feel I will have to play the waiting game and wait for a girl to come into my life, because on the three dating sites I'm at, all of the very few girls that are interested in me I don't find attractive (No offense to them, but I'm just not into girls who weigh 50+ more pounds than I do... Really, no offense to them, it's just not for me, and I know there are guys out there that dig them type of women.) Anyways, I'm not sure if maybe with more time I'll end up falling in love with her? So, I don't know what to do really... I want to make this decision very soon, because the more time that goes by, if I choose option 1 it'll just make it harder on her. And if I did choose option 1, I wouldn't know the easiest way to do it... But I don't know if I should choose option 2 and potentially find real love and happiness with her... Comments and thoughts on anything is greatly appreciated. I respect this community's opinions very highly. Last edited by Mirth; 01-20-2010 at 12:14 PM..