Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - The Ethics of Tempting Someone to "Switch Teams"

Willravel · 11-07-2009, 02:50 PM

Heterosexual, bi-curious, bisexual, and homosexual. Oh and transgendered. And asexual. And those that choose not to label themselves.

So let's say you're a heterosexual male and you become friends with a homosexual female (if you're a lady reading this, switch the genders from here on in, please). Yes, it happens. You didn't become friends with this woman to "change" her or any other egotistical, chauvinistic bullshit, but simply because she's cool and you maybe have common interests and principles. In the normal course of friendship, occasionally boundaries can be broken. Maybe you go from friend to flirting, on instinct, and she reciprocates. Maybe she flirts first. The point is that you get the impression that she may not be totally homosexual and is showing a romantic, not just platonic, interest. And again it's not about ego or conquering or changing someone.

This seems very shaky ethical ground. You could play it safe/respectful and keep things at the friend level, and let the other stuff drop completely. You could test the water a bit, flirt more, ask questions, etc. You could dive in head-first and tell her that you may be developing romantic feelings and you think she might be developing the same feelings.

There are adequate arguments for each of these. Obviously not making any active movements on the subject is a sign that you respect her to understand who she is. Maybe you misinterpreted the flirting, it's happened before. The second seems equally safe, respecting her but also, in your role as friend, giving her an outside observation. The worst that could happen is the questions are too much and you move on to something else. The last, and arguably most controversial, would be about being honest about yourself, which is important in a friendship or a romantic relationship.

It's all very complicated, especially if you're not as acclimated with the idea of bisexuality and homosexuality. Recently, I found myself in a situation not totally unlike this and decided to simply bite my tongue. I've misread signals before and I value the friendship waaay too much to put it through that kind of awkwardness. I also truly respect her sexuality and feel that I wouldn't be acting consistently with that respect if I started "testing" her.

So what are your thoughts on the issue? Do you have any experience? Are you heterosexual and don't know? Are you bisexual or homosexual with any experience in this area? How would you react?

11-07-2009, 02:50 PM	#1 (permalink)
Willravel ... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.	The Ethics of Tempting Someone to "Switch Teams" Heterosexual, bi-curious, bisexual, and homosexual. Oh and transgendered. And asexual. And those that choose not to label themselves. So let's say you're a heterosexual male and you become friends with a homosexual female (if you're a lady reading this, switch the genders from here on in, please). Yes, it happens. You didn't become friends with this woman to "change" her or any other egotistical, chauvinistic bullshit, but simply because she's cool and you maybe have common interests and principles. In the normal course of friendship, occasionally boundaries can be broken. Maybe you go from friend to flirting, on instinct, and she reciprocates. Maybe she flirts first. The point is that you get the impression that she may not be totally homosexual and is showing a romantic, not just platonic, interest. And again it's not about ego or conquering or changing someone. This seems very shaky ethical ground. You could play it safe/respectful and keep things at the friend level, and let the other stuff drop completely. You could test the water a bit, flirt more, ask questions, etc. You could dive in head-first and tell her that you may be developing romantic feelings and you think she might be developing the same feelings. There are adequate arguments for each of these. Obviously not making any active movements on the subject is a sign that you respect her to understand who she is. Maybe you misinterpreted the flirting, it's happened before. The second seems equally safe, respecting her but also, in your role as friend, giving her an outside observation. The worst that could happen is the questions are too much and you move on to something else. The last, and arguably most controversial, would be about being honest about yourself, which is important in a friendship or a romantic relationship. It's all very complicated, especially if you're not as acclimated with the idea of bisexuality and homosexuality. Recently, I found myself in a situation not totally unlike this and decided to simply bite my tongue. I've misread signals before and I value the friendship waaay too much to put it through that kind of awkwardness. I also truly respect her sexuality and feel that I wouldn't be acting consistently with that respect if I started "testing" her. So what are your thoughts on the issue? Do you have any experience? Are you heterosexual and don't know? Are you bisexual or homosexual with any experience in this area? How would you react?