genuinegirly

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
How did you come to terms with who you are and what you want to make of your life?

I wonder if others face/d a similar crisis of concience, and how you are working / have worked through it.

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Understanding my role in life is something that I struggle with.

I was raised to be a mother. My parents made it clear that my greatest goal in life should be to raise healthy, well-adjusted children. I took it to heart. I allowed it to become an obsession - constantly exploring how I could prepare myself to be a good mother. I look back at that obsession now and I realize that is not really something that is age-appropriate for a young girl to take to heart. This kind of thinking lead me, my sister, and many of our female friends raised in this same culture to believe our lives were incomplete without children. Our biological clocks don't help with trying to reverse this mentality, but that's another matter.

This obsession reached its peak at about age 16 before it began to taper off, and at age 18 I realized it would be a while until I would have kids, so I decided to dive whole-heartedly into my every dream. I learned French, took science courses and completed a bachelor's degree in a field people told me I didn't have the mental capacity to grasp at a school no one thought I was qualified to attend, chased after the man of my dreams, won him over, worked at a coffee shop, lived in a student-run co-op, backpacked through europe, did field work on a tropical island...

I'm always chasing dreams that I never thought would happen. I keep expecting to wake up to the lack-luster reality of an ugly domineering husband, too many kids, strapped for cash, etc that I fully expected to live but never wanted. Instead I wake up each morning and realize I'm still in that little dream world. I should be happy, but I find myself utterly lost. I feel like an imposter. I view myself as selfish for pursuing my dreams including my education. At every turn, there is self-doubt.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
I know the answer, but I don't see how it could possibly happen. I don't entirely believe that I'm capable of those dreams.

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"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy