Guarded
Women have always been a great weakness of mine.
It's not that I'll bend to their every whim, on the contrary, I'll always do the complete opposite of what a woman will tell me to do, even when I know full well she's right.
But, I love them. Everything about them. The fact they're so much like men in so many ways, yet so different. While men are wild dogs, women are wild cats; graceful, elegant, but ready to hunt and strike when you're most certain you're safe. While a man's body is so utilitarian and practical, a woman's is beauty: curvaceous, voluptuous, something even God must have been proud of upon creation.
But the longer I live, the more I understand, we are all just the same, but just a little different.
I've lived a life kinda interesting, knowing many women, but knowing too rarely a woman's touch. I have lived a life constantly awed and baffled by the opposite sex. I have lived a life guarded. Afraid of hurt and humiliation.
It's funny, how we both have that fear, women and men. For all our differences, we have a lot in common. I know this. Yet still, always the shy guy, never know what to say around the women I'm attracted to.
I've never really understood sex the same way others do. Don't get me wrong, I like it, I often think about it. I just... I just don't understand the fanfare and hype around it. I don't understand the extent people are willing to go to, just to get it. I mean, sometimes I'll meet a lass and the only thing I can think about is about animalistic sex with her. Most other times, I'm just trying to understand. Understand the same thing with everyone else. What the hell makes us tick? And why does no amount of searching, reading, looking or asking questions bring me any closure to this God awful human condition.
Men need sex to feel loved. Woman need to feel loved to have sex. What a load of complete crap! Women seem perfectly capable of fucking over guys and guys seem perfectly capable of doing the same back. Why do we seem to get caught in the loop of just trying to fuck eachother over before we ourselves get hurt?
We'll always get to the same point eventually. Tired and resigned. Just wanting something real, some truth.
We have these compulsions, this obsession to mate. But the whole thing is so distant and ridiculous to me. I feel like some conservative puritan throw back in my own generation and time! An outside observer, looking at it all with a cold clinical eye. Always asking why don't I get it yet!? What is it everyone understands that I don't!
What I've always understood, was that driving force, without reason or logic to fall in love, do to anything and everything to keep it. Regardless of how stupid I knew it was, despite what anyone told me at the time. That was only ever the only truth I trusted, no matter how many times it burned me, or burned them.
Still and the end of it all, for all my deep seeded cynicism, for all my being a cranky bastard and a shut out. I will still always be a hopeless romantic. Somewhat guarded, but always ready to accept that most likely, the love of a woman will make me do probably everything and anything, just to hold that feeling again.
Because women will always hold something over me, something I can never explain. Being perfectly human, having all the fears I do, all the same joys I do. But always in such a way I can't quite put into words, knowing full well, they probably think the same about me.
A truth I might never know. We all seem so guarded sometimes.
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You are not a slave
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