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amalek · 07-21-2009, 10:57 AM

Hi again, made a post almost a year ago now about a hard breakup from a two year-long relationship for me.

In any event, here's the skinny: we broke up as she was beginning a nascent relationship with a guy from Germany who was visiting and happened to be in her German 101 class at college (I had graduated the previous semester, she had one more year). He goes back to Germany, she decides to visit for Christmas/New Year's holidays. She comes back, we talk, we decide to part ways.

March 25, 2009. Her birthday. I haven't said one word to her in months, so I decided to keep it polite and wish her happy birthday. I tell her I moved into Philly and I was having a blast and that we should hang out for kicks some time if she's ever bored. She visits a few times and we have a great time. We talk a bit about the problems we had and why we broke up. She's already booked a flight to see the guy in Germany again in April, but she says we can continue to hang out when she gets back. We do so. Everything goes great, we have a good time, hold hands, kiss each other on the cheeks, and have a good ole time dating again. Long story short, she decides that she's going to break up with the German, get a job in Philly, and move to the city where we can further explore any potential. But the German is already set to come here for 3.5 weeks in June/July.

As soon as the guy gets here, she goes into complete radio silence. I send her a few texts per day, send her pics of what I'm doing around the city, tell her about things to do. She responds sparsely and coldly. My birthday is July 1, she sends me a happy birthday text a few hours before midnight on June 30. I text her about 2-3 times per day just to see what's up like we had been doing before he got here.

I start getting a little anxious because of the lack of communication. I understand that the other guy is here and she's trying to make him as comfortable as possible (he knew that we had been hanging out leading up to him coming here). The weeks finally pass with me borderline freaking out about the whole thing. He leaves, we start talking again this past Saturday. She says she didn't break up with him nor does she intend on doing so (but she did get the job in Philly).

She cites the fact that I drove drunk and sent too many texts/demanded attention while he was here and that she decided that pursuing the 4000 mile relationship was better for her than to try giving "us" another shot. I decide again that we should part ways, but not after firing off a couple salvos of my own about her shortcomings (not angrily, but just letting her know that she needs to be able to make tough choices, stop being excessively proud, shed her fears, learn to work hard on relationships, make some friends [she has zero friends], that I'd always be around for her, etc etc -- long story).

Anyway, I haven't talked to her for a few days now (again) and I'm wondering what could be going through her mind. I don't focus on it like I did the last time this happened (the situation played out almost exactly like it did back when she went to visit him in the winter), but I'm still curious:

Would my twice-daily texts and the minor drunk driving episode (which happens once every three-four months) be the primary cause of her deciding against trying "us" out again? Or is she just reaching for excuses because she's too afraid/lazy/disinterested to really try for a serious, long-term relationship with someone who lives within driving distance of her? Or a combination? The best I can do to feel out the situation is that we do have our problems together like any couple, and being with me would actually take some work on her part to try and calm down and deal with problems (like me texting her too much) as they come up; with the German, she has none of that. She webcams with him weekly and exchanges e-mails in the meantime, and they only have to really deal with each other for the 6-8 weeks out of the year that they actually see each other. It seems to me that she's taking the easy way out, which will prove devastating in the long term.

Oof, that was a mouthful. Thanks for any advice/counsel.

07-21-2009, 10:57 AM	#1 (permalink)
amalek Upright	confused I guess Hi again, made a post almost a year ago now about a hard breakup from a two year-long relationship for me. In any event, here's the skinny: we broke up as she was beginning a nascent relationship with a guy from Germany who was visiting and happened to be in her German 101 class at college (I had graduated the previous semester, she had one more year). He goes back to Germany, she decides to visit for Christmas/New Year's holidays. She comes back, we talk, we decide to part ways. March 25, 2009. Her birthday. I haven't said one word to her in months, so I decided to keep it polite and wish her happy birthday. I tell her I moved into Philly and I was having a blast and that we should hang out for kicks some time if she's ever bored. She visits a few times and we have a great time. We talk a bit about the problems we had and why we broke up. She's already booked a flight to see the guy in Germany again in April, but she says we can continue to hang out when she gets back. We do so. Everything goes great, we have a good time, hold hands, kiss each other on the cheeks, and have a good ole time dating again. Long story short, she decides that she's going to break up with the German, get a job in Philly, and move to the city where we can further explore any potential. But the German is already set to come here for 3.5 weeks in June/July. As soon as the guy gets here, she goes into complete radio silence. I send her a few texts per day, send her pics of what I'm doing around the city, tell her about things to do. She responds sparsely and coldly. My birthday is July 1, she sends me a happy birthday text a few hours before midnight on June 30. I text her about 2-3 times per day just to see what's up like we had been doing before he got here. I start getting a little anxious because of the lack of communication. I understand that the other guy is here and she's trying to make him as comfortable as possible (he knew that we had been hanging out leading up to him coming here). The weeks finally pass with me borderline freaking out about the whole thing. He leaves, we start talking again this past Saturday. She says she didn't break up with him nor does she intend on doing so (but she did get the job in Philly). She cites the fact that I drove drunk and sent too many texts/demanded attention while he was here and that she decided that pursuing the 4000 mile relationship was better for her than to try giving "us" another shot. I decide again that we should part ways, but not after firing off a couple salvos of my own about her shortcomings (not angrily, but just letting her know that she needs to be able to make tough choices, stop being excessively proud, shed her fears, learn to work hard on relationships, make some friends [she has zero friends], that I'd always be around for her, etc etc -- long story). Anyway, I haven't talked to her for a few days now (again) and I'm wondering what could be going through her mind. I don't focus on it like I did the last time this happened (the situation played out almost exactly like it did back when she went to visit him in the winter), but I'm still curious: Would my twice-daily texts and the minor drunk driving episode (which happens once every three-four months) be the primary cause of her deciding against trying "us" out again? Or is she just reaching for excuses because she's too afraid/lazy/disinterested to really try for a serious, long-term relationship with someone who lives within driving distance of her? Or a combination? The best I can do to feel out the situation is that we do have our problems together like any couple, and being with me would actually take some work on her part to try and calm down and deal with problems (like me texting her too much) as they come up; with the German, she has none of that. She webcams with him weekly and exchanges e-mails in the meantime, and they only have to really deal with each other for the 6-8 weeks out of the year that they actually see each other. It seems to me that she's taking the easy way out, which will prove devastating in the long term. Oof, that was a mouthful. Thanks for any advice/counsel.