amalek

Hi again, made a post almost a year ago now about a hard breakup from a two year-long relationship for me.

In any event, here's the skinny: we broke up as she was beginning a nascent relationship with a guy from Germany who was visiting and happened to be in her German 101 class at college (I had graduated the previous semester, she had one more year). He goes back to Germany, she decides to visit for Christmas/New Year's holidays. She comes back, we talk, we decide to part ways.

March 25, 2009. Her birthday. I haven't said one word to her in months, so I decided to keep it polite and wish her happy birthday. I tell her I moved into Philly and I was having a blast and that we should hang out for kicks some time if she's ever bored. She visits a few times and we have a great time. We talk a bit about the problems we had and why we broke up. She's already booked a flight to see the guy in Germany again in April, but she says we can continue to hang out when she gets back. We do so. Everything goes great, we have a good time, hold hands, kiss each other on the cheeks, and have a good ole time dating again. Long story short, she decides that she's going to break up with the German, get a job in Philly, and move to the city where we can further explore any potential. But the German is already set to come here for 3.5 weeks in June/July.

As soon as the guy gets here, she goes into complete radio silence. I send her a few texts per day, send her pics of what I'm doing around the city, tell her about things to do. She responds sparsely and coldly. My birthday is July 1, she sends me a happy birthday text a few hours before midnight on June 30. I text her about 2-3 times per day just to see what's up like we had been doing before he got here.

I start getting a little anxious because of the lack of communication. I understand that the other guy is here and she's trying to make him as comfortable as possible (he knew that we had been hanging out leading up to him coming here). The weeks finally pass with me borderline freaking out about the whole thing. He leaves, we start talking again this past Saturday. She says she didn't break up with him nor does she intend on doing so (but she did get the job in Philly).

She cites the fact that I drove drunk and sent too many texts/demanded attention while he was here and that she decided that pursuing the 4000 mile relationship was better for her than to try giving "us" another shot. I decide again that we should part ways, but not after firing off a couple salvos of my own about her shortcomings (not angrily, but just letting her know that she needs to be able to make tough choices, stop being excessively proud, shed her fears, learn to work hard on relationships, make some friends [she has zero friends], that I'd always be around for her, etc etc -- long story).

Anyway, I haven't talked to her for a few days now (again) and I'm wondering what could be going through her mind. I don't focus on it like I did the last time this happened (the situation played out almost exactly like it did back when she went to visit him in the winter), but I'm still curious:

Would my twice-daily texts and the minor drunk driving episode (which happens once every three-four months) be the primary cause of her deciding against trying "us" out again? Or is she just reaching for excuses because she's too afraid/lazy/disinterested to really try for a serious, long-term relationship with someone who lives within driving distance of her? Or a combination? The best I can do to feel out the situation is that we do have our problems together like any couple, and being with me would actually take some work on her part to try and calm down and deal with problems (like me texting her too much) as they come up; with the German, she has none of that. She webcams with him weekly and exchanges e-mails in the meantime, and they only have to really deal with each other for the 6-8 weeks out of the year that they actually see each other. It seems to me that she's taking the easy way out, which will prove devastating in the long term.

Oof, that was a mouthful. Thanks for any advice/counsel.

Plan9

You "only" drunk drive once every 90 days? And why do you consider that acceptable?

...

Based on the time line you laid out: She's just not that into you. (TM)

...

I would take the effort you're putting into this girl and put it into a better-yourself hobby.

Find another girl. The obviously unwanted texting thing is creepy and stalkerish.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

amalek

true.

Still, after two years and after we were hanging out, etc... there was definitely a vibe, definitely sexual tension, etc. The one-liner doesn't really cut it for me.

(based on your edit)

Yes, only once every 90-120 days or so. I don't drive sloppy drunk, I drive a couple blocks from the bar to my place in the city. That aside, is it really something that would drive a girl to reject someone they dated for two years and planned on moving in with?

Plan9

Drunk driving is completely irresponsible, chief. The fact that you rationalize it disgusts me.

Hell, I would dump a girl if she thought drunk driving was acceptable. I don't want to deal with an idiot.

It's all fun and games until you kill somebody, end up in the hospital, or fill a casket yourself.

I was in the largest organized group of alcoholics in America (US Army Airborne) and had friends crippled and killed.

Har-har-har.

/parenting

...

Are you sure there is a sexual vibe or is it awkwardness from her and horniness from you?

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

amalek

drunk driving is a risk that I rarely take. I used to do it a lot more, but like many other things since the initial breakup, I am growing out of it. I hitch rides more often than not when I know I'm going to get drunk. Correct though you may be, working towards correcting the behavior I am

Nah, she definitely was into it. I started with subtle gestures and lightly touching her, etc. You know, normal flirting. Then I stepped it up to making a dirty joke every once in a while. By the time we left each other on the last day before the guy got here, she was making equally dirty jokes and we were all but taking it all the way. She just didn't want to cheat on the guy and she didn't want to ruin his vacation here. Understandable, if self-defeating.

Plan9

Okay, I get it... but I still feel like you two may be on different pages. Everybody likes to flirt and having a history with someone only makes it easier.

...

As hard as it is, I think the best course of action would be to put this relationship in the "Memories" box in your head and move onto the something new.

Take a break. Find a local girl, not attached, who you can share activities without aside from sexual innuendos.

If you're a hurtin' for a [flirtin'], I'd recommend checking out a free online dating site and seeing what kind of girls are in your area.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Punk.of.Ages

She got caught up in a moment of reliving good times of the past with you. She went back to "The German" and remembered why she gave you up for him.

It's truly that simple, bud.

Stop drinking and driving before you kill a child, and move on.

__________________
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

amalek

Yeah, I think you're right here. I got myself looking too far into the future and she was just looking for something to get her over the hump until she could next see the guy she really likes.

Yep, we're on the same page here. That's already the course of action I've taken. I was just curious about what happened.

Also I'm not exactly sure what that second sentence says.

Eh, we'll see. I think I'll just stick to the local pubs and meeting girls through friends.

---------- Post added at 11:31 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:28 AM ----------

yep, I think I can go with this logic.

Still, it was never all my fault, which is why I was so crushed the first time through. She has a habit of blaming her problems on others and then not being able to communicate any problems because there's a conflict of interest there.

Punk.of.Ages

Who doesn't?

__________________
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

amalek

I don't blame anyone for anything. Everyone's just as screwed up in the head as me - any problems caused by an outside source, including another person, is just as easily rectified by deep reflection and action to change things.

Still, that's just something I have going for me; strong enough willpower to exact things like that. It takes a while to develop, so it's especially silly to blame people the same age as you for anything.

Cynthetiq

start sniffin' elsewhere, that va-jay-jay is not in play.

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Zeraph

What cromp said. I've learned from experience that women now-a-days usually don't consider flirting to be all that significant. *Especially* when they're attached.

Plan9

Heh, I just snorted. I imagined you sniffin' at women at a bar and someone the idea of someone as well spoken as yourself overtly sniffing at another person is very amusing.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

amalek

okay, new question: in the meantime, I started dating another girl. We've gone out twice so far but she has lots of friends and is always very busy. We kissed on my birthday (July 1). She says she wants to hang out and even suggests times/days, but then it falls through either that day or the day before, followed by strange excuses.

With this one I pushed the matter a bit, I fear, in terms of sex (hey, I'm horny, I haven't gotten laid in a while, I'm being a bit reckless! it's not as bad as all that, though). Same thing: does the flirting/kissing not mean much to this broad?

Punk.of.Ages

Maybe she didn't like the kiss...

__________________
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

Plan9

If you suck at kissing, it'll seriously prevent you from getting laid. Several women have told me numerous times that kissing is what they use to gauge good fuck potential.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

amalek

I considered that, but after we kissed my housemate and some girl came out of our place and I went over and said hello, introduced her, etc.

Then I left with them to continue drinking. She texted me and said "you should've walked me to my car for more birthday kisses!"

She keeps saying she wants to go out with me to try more good beers (I took her to a couple breweries in the city the first two times). I asked when she's available this week, she said Saturday. I said okay let's do Saturday night at this new brewery that just opened up. She said okay but it's my stepmom's birthday so I'll have to check with my dad to see if it's alright.

jewels

Strange excuses are an indication that she's having second thoughts or simply has something better to do.

Referring to a lady as a broad (even if it's not in front of her) would seem to indicate disrespect for women. Perhaps she senses this and lost interest? Or it could be that she found you interesting at first glance and kissed you to see if she sensed a chemistry with you. Whatever the reason, she's not that into you either.

Spend some time polishing up a bit and be sure you don't come off as desperate by finding some interests that you can talk about.

And I offer this advice to any who's come from or returned to a previously failed relationship: Take some time off, away from intimate relationships, so that you can spend some real time looking within yourself without the shield and are able to finally put the failed relationship behind you. Every time I decide I don't need to do that, I walk away from another, realizing I didn't take the time I truly needed to move on without the baggage. Do it for the sake of any potential future relationship you may screw up 'cause you thought you needed a relationship to forget the one before.

__________________
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Mark Twain

amalek

I don't use broad pejoratively and I'm pretty sure it's not even a pejorative word. They have broad hips. They are broads. I'm not disrespectful. I did the typical flirtation device, i.e. start very simply with eye contact and making jokes, move on to light touching and teasing, then step it up a bit to more to-the-point things.

I'm thinkin you're right about the "something better to do" bit. She reached out to me, though, about four days ago and said that she wants to go to the new brewery with me and for me to let her know when I'm going (I had said that I'd probably be going some time this week). You can see where I'm getting confused.

thanks. Yeah, I did that since January. I'm over the ex now happily, I'm honestly just fishing around a bit for some fun.

MSD

You have one-itis. One girl at a time and you get tunnel vision and fixate on her. If you've gone out with someone twice and are getting excuses, it's not an exclusive relationship. You say you're just looking for some fun now, so find a few prospects, see if any pan out. Right now, put the ball in her court. Tell her that since stuff is always coming up for her, to give you a call when she's free and wants to do something. After a week of not hearing from her, you'll probably find she's not all that interested.

SSJTWIZTA

well now, read this.

i met my girl while she was away from her boyfriend. needless to say, shit happened.

she broke up with him and we maintained a long distance relationship for 4 fucking years. (Her, Indiana. I, Florida)

she is now my wife.

shit happens. people find other people, i suggest you do so as well.


that lack of communication is a serious issue. kins and i talked every fucking day we were apart...EVERY DAY.
take warning.

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Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out because I was not a communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for me And there was no one left to speak out for me.
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