Quote:
Originally Posted by purplelirpa
We're both only children of single mothers...*snip*
The biggest problem I face with him is that he doesn't often communicate his problems to me and I voice everything that crosses my mind. Neither is really an effective method, and I've wondered recently if writing things down (especially criticism) would be better than these crazy marathon argument sessions.... *snip*
He tells me things are going to be different now, that he's more attracted to me now. I don't know, I just think it's bullshit. It was bullshit when he told me that he couldn't give me what I wanted because HE wasn't employed, then when I wasn't employed and going to school, it was because of that. Then the car wreck, followed by the brain surgery. Then, it was because he saw me all of the time and there wasn't the same desire to see me (sort of familiarity breeds contempt). ... *snip*
It bugs me because we are on the same intellectual level, have similar senses of humor, hobbies, political views, etc. I just wish he'd take some initiative with his life and stop making excuses for everything.
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I edited the quote so I could break out the things I wanted to comment on.
1. I am also an only child, and everyone told my parents that I would grow up full of myself, and yeah, I know where I'm at and sometimes have to remind myself not to steamroller my husband. But the thing about people is, we learn and grow even after we become adults. It's just another excuse of his.
2. Yes. Write down your issues. Communicate via e-mail about things if the two of you have incompatible speaking styles. This works really well for several couples I know.
3. You're right, when he says things will be different now because of some outside factor that has changed, it is bullshit. The only thing that would change this is if HE decided, within himself, to approach your lofe lives differently - and even then, it's incredibly hard to do. Minor, external lifestyle changes aren't going to do anything; they are, as you noticed, merely excuses.
4. It sounds like you two might make better friends than lovers. I have had plenty of male friends that I thoroughly enjoyed but would never marry, not because I didn't like and respect them, but because a long-term partner is not the same as a friend or short-term lover. You need different things from them, including a future wherein the two of you continue to grow and develop as humans and as a couple, and it sounds like he's stagnating while you want to keep moving forward.
I'm sorry you came online here with your problems and everyone is telling you to break up over it. It's hard to hear and we don't know the whole story, so there's always a chance that our advice is wrong. Other people might think differently, but it sounds like you are unhappy and life is too short to waste time on people whom you don't have a future with, IMHO.